Did you know that May 11th was National Eat What You Want Day? A day that is all about having that one special day a year where you get to eat with no regrets. Although… let’s be real here… that’s what Christmas is for… and Thanksgiving… and Easter… and my birthday… and my friends’ birthdays… and Labor Day… and all the Fridays… But whatever… I’m all about a day of eating with no regrets, regardless of what day that is! Although, I am trying to eat healthier these days… so instead of chowing down on Thai food and movie theater popcorn (two of my favorite things) I instead ate dick. Lots and lots of dick. I ate all the dicks. Okay… it wasn’t a real dick… it was a silicone dick… and I was practicing my blow job technique (because right now my technique is put too much dick in mouth then accidentally vomit on dick owners pants… I’m real smooth.)… silicone dicks need love too!
And just what wonder of the sex toy kingdom did I spend the day fellating and masturbating with you ask? Why, the Uberrime Maestro Suction Cup Dildo of course! Oh, quite your groaning… I told you in the review of the Splendid that I was obsessed with Uberrime’s amazing silicone pleasure hole fillers (my new fancy way of saying dildos… also… I will never refer to dildos as pleasure hole fillers again, I promise) and it should be of absolutely no surprise to you that I spent National Eat What You Want Day eating a dick from one of my favorite dildo makers. Strap in friends, I have eight… yes EIGHT glorious Uberrime toys to review after this… so you are about to get reaaaaaal familiar with how cool Uberrime is. AND AWAY WE GO!
So the Uberrime Maestro is cool because it is my first suction cup toy from Uberrime. First true suction I should say… as some of my other Uberrime dildos have had pretty amazing sticking power, but that seems like mostly a happy accident and not because they come equipped with a suction cup. Exploring the Uberrime website, it looks like it might actually be the only suction cup equipped dildo Uberrime makes. Nope, I lied. I’m a big fat liar. I just asked Uberrime if he has any other suction cup toys and there is in fact a SECOND Uberrime suction cup marvel… the Aqueous is also full of suctiony goodness. SO I STAND CORRECTED. There are TWO Uberrime dildos with suction cups (at least right now… if you are reading this in the future… things may have changed) and the Uberrime Maestro, the dildo featured in today’s review is one of them! That was an awful lot of words to say “this dildo has a suction cup…” I’m having one of those rambling kind of days.
The Maestro is also a semi-realistic, which is cool if you prefer your dildos to look less like a human penis and more… penis adjacent. Like, I can tell by looking at the Maestro that it is definitely a cock… and quite likely human… but its not all in your face screaming “I’M A FAT OL’ DICK BABY, YEAH!” the saw way that something like the Vixen VixSkin Goodfella or Number One Laboratory B.J. (but if you are looking for realistic cocks… those are a pair or excellent cocks). The Maestro is much more subtle in its penis-ness. It is a penis… but it doesn’t rub that fact in your face. Size-wise the Maestro has a total length of 7.5 inches with 6.5 inches of insertable length. Girth-wise you are looking at a shaft with a max circumference of 5 inches. It seems pretty average human penis sized (I think…my idea of what’s average has become kind of skewed because I keep buying dildos larger than I can manage… so anything I can fit in my vagina starts to feel average…). Okay, I just googled it, the average human penis is 4.7 to 6.3 inches when erect with a circumference of around 4.7 inches… so I am not totally wrong in saying the Uberrime Maestro silicone dildo is about average (okay… maybe its just a hair over average)! In keeping with this penis-like comparison, the Maestro dildo is also lightly textured with some bulging-esque veins. These veins run the length of the shaft from base to head, but are actually quite subtle for bulging veins. Another feature of the Maestro is its quite prominent coronal ridge… it has the kind of head that I gives that nice popping sensation when thrust with (although it is rather mild compared to some other dildos I have). Alright, so the TLDR version of this block of text is… the Maestro is a penis, but only subtly so…
Okay, I know we already kind of touched on it, but I wanna loop back around to that suction cup, because that is probably the most interesting feature of the Uberrime Maestro silicone suction cup dildo. So, Uberrime says that the “Maestro will stick to any smooth surface, or even to a textured wall!” But for the life of me, I couldn’t get it to stick to my ugly ass textured wall. I tried and tried and I pushed and I squished… but it was having none of it. But maybe its because the color of this wall is so ugly that it acts as literal dildo repellent. The Maestro took one look at this weird, lumpy, kind of brown… kind of tan… kind of baby poop colored wall and said “Nah, I’m outta here.” BUT on surfaces that were not my gross ass office walls, the Maestro’s suction cup worked like a dream! I’m thinking that my office walls might be too textured. For real… its like whoever was building this house liked the idea of popcorn ceilings SO MUCH that they decided to just keep going with it and extended the popcorn ceiling down into popcorn walls in this room. Its ugly and it makes no sense. On my more sensibly textured bathroom walls, the Maestro had no issues creating a strong suction. So, the Maestro may not stick firmly to every sort of textured wall… but what it does stick to, it sticks hella firm! Surfaces (other than my gross wall) I was able to get it to stick tightly too… the fridge, bed headboard, floor, desk, shower wall, bathroom mirror, desktop computer tower, windows… honestly… if its smooth(ish) and flat(ish) the Maestro will probably grip to it like its holding on for dear life. The only issue seems to be on my heavily textured wall (which of course was the first wall I tried and I was instantly furious that my dildo wasn’t sticking to it…). I had absolutely no problems sticking this dildo to both my floor and coffee table and riding it like a horny rodeo cowboy. I was also able to stick it to my bedroom wall and back into it from my hands and knees. So… even with a rocky start, the Maestro passed the suction cup test with flying colors and then went on to earn a little extra credit. I think on the right surface, this suction cup will hold up against even the most buckingiest of broncos.
The Maestro is also great for g-spot and prostate play, due to that exaggerated head. Because of its super soft silicone, mildly textured body, and more average size girth I actually ended up enjoying this dildo far more as an anal toy than I did vaginally (I mean, it did also feel good being thrust into my vagina… but my butt was way more into it). The Maestro is also harness compatible and I feel like this would be an excellent dildo for pegging, what with being relatively smooth, non-intimidating, rather average dildo (as I said and will continue to say over and over and over again)… but my Stunt Cock is a little pegging shy… so I have yet to be able to test this theory of mine out yet. But, I did slip it into my new harness from Sportsheets and it fit wonderfully! It was fabulous to wear around, even though it felt like I was all dressed up with no place to go.
Besides just crafting excellent dildos, Uberrime also excels at pouring exciting colored dildos. I have yet to receive a dildo in a color I hate… they have all just been supremely fantastic (especially this cotton candy pink looking Splendid… I just want to eat it up). My particular Maestro is one of the made-to-order marble colored dildos. With the made-to-order option you get your choice of two colors swirled together to form a beautifully marbled color… its frickin’ fantastic. The Maestro featured in this review is the Rose Gold and Lavender color option. Its pretty gorgeous… beyond how well these colors marble together… this Maestro also features shiny flecks of glitter… that does it for me… if there is glitter in a dildo, I am all in. The two color marbling option is currently the more expensive option, if you are the kind of person who doesn’t really care what color is being shoved up your ass or pussy… or you are just a human of simple tastes or smaller budget… there is a slightly cheaper option to be had. If you want to save a bit of dough you can opt for a single color Maestro… which to be honest, seem to look every bit as good as the two color versions (judging by the website photos).
Okay, I’m not really all that great at sports metaphors, but I think I would be correct in saying that Uberrime has hit a home run once again with the Maestro suction cup dildo. I think this is a pretty aptly named dildo, considering Uberrime is becoming quite the distinguished figure in the dildo making scene. The Maestro is especially great if you are someone who has been searching high and low for a suction cup that can actually hold firm to a surface (unless that surface is a near popcorn quality wall… like mind). Overall, I think the Maestro is yet another solid dildo creation from Uberrime… I feel like I need to find an Uberrime toy I hate… just so ya’ll don’t think I’m bias… or that Uberrime is giving under the table blowies in exchange for great review (which they are not… unfortunately). If you are in the market for a silicone dildo with a pretty friendly, only a hair above average (according to one google search) size, a reasonably affordable price, (possible to obtain for around $60) with a suction cup and fun colors… I can 100% recommend this toy! Or, if you are all “yeah… this sounds great… but I want something with more length to it” may I suggest you take a quick look at the Uberrime Dr. Manhattan… it is also penis-like, has a somewhat average girth, but tops out at a whopping 9.5 inches in length!
Ready to enjoy some Uberrime in your own holes? You can pick up the Uberrime Maestro Suction Cup Dildo directly from Uberrime themselves! And remember, you have the option for a made-to-order two color or the slightly cheaper single color!
The Uberrime Maestro Suction Cup Dildo was provided to me free of charge by Uberrime in exchange for my honest review.