Fun fact… there is such a thing as National Goof Off Day! Yeah… it’s another one of these silly micro-holiday’s that I had no idea existed until the day it was happening… but now that I know it exists, I am so here for it. According to some official record or other the first celebration of National Goof Off Day took place in 1976… any holiday that is older than I am is tots legit (according to my completely arbitrary holiday rules that are likely to change on a complete whim). To celebrate National Goof Off Day one must avoid work of any kind at all costs! Let any goofy idea pop into your head then follow through with that utterly ridiculous idea… dance in your underpants… bake cookies and eat all the dough… color pictures… or just sit around in your PJs all day binging on Netflix… do whatever you want… so long as you enjoy it and its not work! I repeat, DO NOT DO ANY WORK OF ANY KIND ON NATIONAL GOOF OFF DAY! (Oh, and by the way… National Goof Off Day is March 22… so you’ve got like a year to prepare now…)
Do you want to know how I celebrated National Goof Off Day? Go on, take a guess… this is an easy one. If you guessed I celebrated by masturbating, you would be correct. Although… is it technically goofing off if masturbating is actually my business? And is writing this blog post about masturbating continuing to go against the entire principle of Goof Off Day since it is technically my work?! Oh gosh… I better go watch the entire last season of Desperate House Wives in order to make up for my day spent hard at work on the sacred holiday of doing nothingness!
Okay, since masturbating is totally fun (even if it is also my work) I am going to give it a pass and say I did National Goof Off Day right. Now, I can tell that you are curious about what wonder of the sex toy kingdom did I spend masturbating with… Why, the Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dildek of course! So I guess… even if I did spend the day masturbating for work on a day I shouldn’t be working, I at least I did it with the goofiest dildo possible! I mean honestly, is there any dildo more glorious than this? The rest of you sex toy manufacturers can just pack it up and go home… you will never be able to top the awesomeness that is the Dildek… it just warms my geeky little heart straight down to its geeky little core. It’s amazing. Simply amazing.
A Dildek is a Dalek inspired dildo and part of Geeky Sex Toy’s Doctor Screw line of toys. For the unenlightened among us, the Daleks are one of the most feared races in the universe and are hellbent on taking everything over and getting rid of anything that isn’t a Dalek (you know… like humans… and Time Lords…) Thankfully for the universe (and us, since we reside in said universe), the Doctor is here to keep us safe from the Dalek threat. Due to wibbly wobbly timey wimey type things, the Doctor was not able to be around in this particular timeline to keep this particular Dalek from invading my particular vagina… and my vagina was thoroughly conquered by this alien race. Okay… this is getting terrible… but, I’ve got to warn you… this review is only going to go downhill from here. SAVE YOURSELF FROM BAD DOCTOR WHO JOKES, RUN! Just kidding, you should stay… we’ll have fun.
As I was saying, the Dildek is inspired by the Dalek, it shares the same distinct body shape, like… if you are at all familiar with what a Dalek is, even in passing… you’ll recognize the Dildek for what it is. Sure, it’s missing its weird arm/eye stalk thing… but that wouldn’t feel so good being inserted… UNLESS… the Dildek was turned into some kind of rabbit style vibrator… makes mental note of the best idea ever. The shaft of the Dildek is covered in round rivet looking nubs (much the same as a real Dalek) that provide a real MASSIVE texture boost to this toy. Following the rivet nubs there is a series of three ridged circles that end in a very rounded head. My particular Dalek is 7 inches in length with a circumference of 7.75 inches at its widest point and 5.25 inches at its smallest. This is a large dildo… I mean… it is literally, sized as “large” so I don’t know why I thought it would be anything other than huge. My eyes are often times bigger than my vagina. My brain is going “oh hell yes, put that inside me, fill me up daddy!” While my vagina is down there screaming “NOooo… don’t do it! We can’t handle it!” But do I listen to my vagina? Of course not, that whiner. YOU’LL TAKE WHAT I GIVE YOU AND YOU’LL LIKE IT! The Geeky Sex Toy’s Dildek does come in a size small, for any of you who are far more sensible than I am. I feel like I’m a bit of a size queen… in theory any way… I love the idea of big toys… they just don’t always agree with me. If you do opt for the small, you will get a Dildek that has an insertable length of 5.75 inches with a circumference of 6 inches at its widest point and 4.25 inches at its smallest. A far more sensibly sized dildo… I probably should have went with a small. Actually… no… I REGRET NOTHING! GO BIG OR GO HOME!
The Dildek is made from silicone (unlike the real Daleks, who are made from a bonded polycarbide material called “dalekanium”… which may or may not be a body safe material… Dalekanium is also hard to come by, so I can see why Geeky Sex Toys went with the much more available silicone), which makes it dishwasher safe, boiling water safe, 10% bleach solution safe and other assorted cleaning methods that may or may not be wholly approved for washing a real Dalek (are Daleks waterproof?). Also, its great that this toy has a lot of cleaning options… because you are going to be spending approximately 5.3 hours of your life cleaning this thing (probably an exaggeration… but it felt that way). All that sweet detailing that looks and feels amazing is also a great hoarder of vagina goo and lint. The three rings under the head are especially good at holding caked in goo… I hand washed this thing once and felt like I spent ages just trying to scrub it clean with a tooth brush. Next time I needed to clean it, I tossed it into the top rack of my dishwasher… this seemed to do the trick. Around the little rivets and around the base of the toy were also quit adept at holding onto crud… I’m just letting you know now that if you don’t have a dishwasher this Dildek is going to feel like real time commitment… but its worth it. Also… don’t let my whining about cleaning scare you off… I’m also a notoriously lazy cleaner… if I can’t just run it under some water and have it be clean… its too much work.
While we are on the topic of silicone… the Dildek is also quite firm, there isn’t a whole lot of give to the Dildek when squeezed (although… this is to be expected, as Daleks aren’t really known for their squishy softness), which does make it feel kind of unyielding when inserted… it is a no nonsense dildo (but again… what else do you expect from a Dalek?). It does have a little bend to it… like I can almost force the head of the toy to bend and touch the bottom of the shaft… but it is hard… and also… why do you even care if it can? That is just a little factoid you know now about this dildo, unnecessary information. The silicone also has a heck of a lot of drag to it, which is something I always kind of like… I kind of hate when I lube a toy up and its so slick and slippery there isn’t any resistance at all… I kind of like to feel a toy dragging against my vaginal walls… (not like a dry toy drag that feels like rug burn…but the nice, matte silicone sort of drag) and this toy does that nicely.
MASTURBATE! MASTURBAAAATE! The Dildek is much less concerned about extermination than its Dalek counterpart… I guess that makes the Dildek a lover not a fighter. Although with its size and all that texture… it’s a bit more of an aggressive lover… which I guess if Daleks could love, I’d imagine them to be aggressive lovers. But who doesn’t like it rough every now and then? Mmm baby, hit me with your eyestalk and EJACULATE, EJACULAAAAATE all over my face! Did things just get weird? It got a little weird…sorry (not sorry).
Anyway, masturbating with the Dildek was a wild trip. There is just so much going on with the Dildek both my vagina and my brain were struggling to process the whole experience! But I loved it, I loved everything about it! Inserting the Dildek reminded me a lot of the Tantus Amsterdam, there is almost no taper to the head… its just round and demanding to be inserted. When I have a dildo with a more tapered head (ones that look more traditionally like a penis head) I can start inserting them with just a little lube and no warm up… this is not the case with the Dildek (or the Amsterdam)… those blunt round heads require a little more finesse to work in. So if you are looking for a dildo you can shove in, get off, and get out… might not be the Dildek. When inserted, the Dildek was filling… like… I felt a little stretched out and satisfyingly full! I did quickly realize that I didn’t enjoy thrusting with this toy though… the size made it a little difficult for me to begin with, but even as I added more lube and became more comfortable with the size, I realized I just didn’t really like all that texture moving around to much or too quickly… thrusting with all those nubby rivets almost made my vagina feel like it was in danger of being rubbed raw (even though it wasn’t actually happening, the Dildek never actually hurt me)… I was not a fan of that (I also have to wonder if the smaller sized Dildek might have made a better thrusting companion). BUT I absolutely LOVED using the Dildek as a squeezing dildo! The size… shape… texture… everything about this toy felt perfect for just inserting and squeezing around while I used a vibrator on my clit. I don’t squirt often and it takes a pretty special toy to accomplish that… but I totally did squirt while using the Dildek… it possesses some kind of Dalek magic, clearly. Okay… Daleks don’t have magic… so… uh… some kind of superior Dalek engineering (or I am just sexually imprinted on Daleks because Doctor Who was a favorite show growing up)? I don’t know… whatever the reason, the Dildek was an overwhelming success as far as I’m concerned. If you don’t like texture though… you will not enjoy the Dildek… this is not the dildo for you. I LOVE a good textured dildo and even I was shocked by how this felt upon insertion. Size was also much more overwhelming than I thought it was going to be, although with lube and determination I was able to insert the entire thing comfortably… luckily, if you like Daleks but don’t like big toys, that small version is an option for you.
Another neat feature of the Dildek… the suction cup! It isn’t the strongest dildo suction I’ve encountered in all my years of dildoing it up… but it is a solid, working suction cup. I was able to stick it to the floor and ride it (well… kind of ride it… more like… sit on it and bounce ever so gently) without it coming loose. But it doesn’t seem to want to stick to my wall or headboard, so backing into it from my hands and knees has not been an option (which is sad, because this is my favorite way to use a suction cup dildo).
Do I recommend the Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dalek dildo? Yes, I absolutely do. I recommend it if you are a collector of Doctor Who memorabilia (who else in your fan club is going to have a Dalek inspired dildo? No one… certainly not Brenda, the snarky member who thinks she has everything and it constantly one upping everyone). I recommend it if you are just a collector of weird and wild sex toys. And I 100% recommend it if you are looking for a large and highly textured dildo! It is a well made silicone sex toy with a quirky twist! Also… if a gold Dildek is not your thing… don’t worry, it’s also available in black.
Now, there is one more thing you should know about the Dildek. When you order from Geeky Sex Toys, your toy is shipped directly from Australia. Yes, Australia… the country where the population is made up of only about 20 actual people, and the rest of the population is made up of 2,459,9980 giant tarantulas in trench coats. So, getting your toy may take a little extra time (having a work force made up of mostly tarantulas in trench coats slows things down… as you can well imagine) but it is so worth it. I’ve yet to find anyone state side who is making such perfectly geeky sex toys… especially not Doctor Who themed (although if you know of anyone, I would like to know). Don’t worry though, even though international shipping takes a little bit longer, it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. Geeky Sex Toys has a sweet deal in place, they offer free shipping on orders of $100 or more or a $15 flat rate standard shipping on any order. Not a bad deal. And where else are you going to get a Dalek themed dildo made by tarantulas in trench coats?
Are you a Doctor Who fan? Would you like to become a Doctor Screw fan? Pick up your Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dildek silicone dildo directly from Geeky Sex Toys! They are super friendly (for tarantulas) and will hook you right up!
The Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dildek was provided to me free of charge by Geeky Sex Toys in exchange for my honest review.