Whoa! Hey! Did you know that August 14th is Left Handers day! Do you know who is super cool and left handed?! Me. It’s me! I’m left handed!
Not only do I write with my left hand, but I masturbate with my left hand as well! And today, on this most sacred left handed day I bestowed my favor upon the Svakom Siren and masturbated, left-handedly, as is the Gods intended.
Actually, I am fairly ambidextrous when I masturbate… but I do favor my left hand most of the time. Because the left hand is the cool hand, everyone knows that.
Okay, I know it’s no longer August 14th… in fact, it’s no longer even August anymore (hello January, when did you get here? … What do you mean January is almost over? It took me an embarrassingly long time to finish this review!)… but I’m posting this as I wrote it anyway… because left handed people need more love and attention… and because I don’t waste content around here… I’m all about the three R’s (Reduce, Reuse, Recycle… and that goes for content… actually, I don’t want to reduce my content… so I guess.. two R’s… I don’t know… this is getting ridiculous and out of hand… lets move on quickly).
When this toy arrived and I unboxed it… I instantly knew I did not want to like this toy. It just doesn’t look at all like something that should be liked. It’s like… some kind of terrifying, eyeless, limbless, deep sea monstrosity rising from the deepest darkest depths to attack your clit. It’s horrifying. I’ve read a handful of other reviews of the Siren and those folks compare it to something more floral, like a tulip… but I don’t see it. It is definitely something from a nightmare… I mean… look at those mouth prongs…it has serrated teeth… do flowers have mouth prongs with serrated teeth?! I DON’T THINK SO! I almost feel like I should be saving this review and add the Svakom Siren to my 2020 Spooky Month line up (P.S. stay tuned for my Spooky Month countdown to Halloween starting on October 1st)!
I had to remind myself of that age old saying, ” you can’t judge a book by its cover.” Or in this case, you can’t judge a sex toy by it’s terrifying eyeless stare. It might turn out to be the best sex toy I’ve ever used… I won’t know unless I try it! Spoiler… turns out, it is not the best toy I’ve ever used. So, I put aside my strong feelings about the Sirens deep sea aesthetics and pressed the flesh (that doesn’t sound right) with my Siren.
OMG, y’all… so… I don’t want to keep beating a dead horse here… but, I just went to the Svakom website to look up some stats and measurements on this toy and the Siren is pictured in water with jelly fish floating around it… this does nothing to assuage the deep sea terror vibes I get from this toy. Did Svakom actually mean for it to look like a sea creature!? Were they aiming for something more majestic like a jelly fish… or even a harmless squid… but overshot the mark and land on something in between hag fish and goblin shark? I NEED ANSWERS! WHY DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THIS!
Okay, so…I was 100% confused by this thing when I pulled it out and pressed it against my clit. I was completely underwhelmed by the vibrations fluttering between the… mouth prongs… like… so underwhelmed I’m pretty sure I yawned and started thinking about what to make for lunch, instead of enjoying an orgasm (I decided on chips and guacamole… in case your curious). I tossed the toy down in frustration and figured it was a dud and I was ready to write my scathing review then and there. BUT THEN I realized I was using it wrong… whoops… even skilled sex bloggers such as myself make mistakes. I was so taken by the Sirens mouth prongs that I failed to fully comprehend what the toy really was. It is a DUAL ended toy… which means both the mouth prongs end and the more ball shaped end are usable… and both ends have their own vibrations. Apparently I only turned on the vibrations to what I assumed was only the handle… which knowing that… the vibrations actually traveled pretty well into the mouth prongs. Once I had all that sorted, I turned on the vibrations to the mouth prongs end and it was like I was holding a whole different toy! I mean… it didn’t magically turn into something I loved… but it was something I was able to masturbate with.
Once I realized it was a dual ended vibrator, I had to choose which end I was going to work with. I decided to try again with the “rabbit eared” mouth pronged end… since that is the more intriguing end of the Siren. And okay, yes… I did orgasmed with this end of the toy (twice even), but I just smashed it against my clit. The flicking prongs were set too wide to really do much to my shy little clit and it wasn’t really doing anything for me. I think this would be a lot more fun for someone with a bigger, more pronounced clit. Even using a couple of fingers to try to coax my clit out didn’t really change the outcum (tee-hee… I just miss-typed “outcome” but it’s the most perfect spelling error ever, so I’m leaving it), the flickering mouth of the nightmare creature was all bark and no bite. Smashing it against my clit was alright though, so the vibrations to have enough oomph to them to get me off… so all is not lost. I think this is just an anatomy thing, this end of the toy will probably work perfectly for someone else. The mouth prongs (I can’t stop calling them that… I’ve tried to come up with a better word, but I just can’t) did work really well for nipple stimulation though… I’ll give it that.
Okay, the wilder side of the Siren wasn’t a big winner for me, but remember… it’s double sided! So The Siren gets a second chance to impress me! This end of the toy, the “handle” end as I’ve been calling it consists of a bulbous… uh… bulb. This end can be inserted or used as an external vibrator. I wasn’t really wowed by it, but I have no complaints about it either. It did the trick for me, pushed it against my clit, cranked up the vibrations, and off I went to orgasm town.
The silicone of the Siren is soft and smooth, which made for comfortable insertion of the toy. I don’t have a whole lot to say about how it felt inserted, it’s smaller than I normally like and there isn’t a whole lot of useable length so I didn’t really do much more than some shallow thrusting. I had zero orgasms with it inserted, so for me the Siren is a purely external toy. But it didn’t feel terrible… so I have no doubt there is someone out there who will really enjoy the insertion of the bulby end.
The Svakom Siren has dual motors (a motor for each end), which can be operated simultaneously or one at a time. There are two buttons on the shaft of the toy, one button for each end. This is something I didn’t realize at first… I press and held what I thought was the power button and the toy sprang to life so I figured the second button must control the vibrations… but no… this is not how it works. How the Siren actually works is that the two buttons on the shaft of the toy each operate one of the toys two motors. So the button closest to the bulbed end controls the vibrations for that end of the toy, while the button closest to the monster tongue flaps controls those… that should be relatively easy to remember. When you turn the toy on they begin at their middle intensity setting… which is weird… but that’s cool… I’m just used to toys starting on their lowest setting and you can adjust upwards from there. To adjust the intensities of either end you just click their respective buttons until you have found the setting you are after. The bulb end has five vibration intensities and if you double click the button you can access its five pattern modes and each of these five patterns can be adjusted to any of the five intensity levels (giving you 25 choices on this end of the vibrator). The flappy tongue end is somewhat less impressive and only has three vibration intensities and does not have a pattern function mode.
The color of the Svakom is actually more or an orangey color… maybe even kind of coral… I feel like my photos make it look far more red than it is. I don’t know what happened… yes I do… bad lighting… because I bent over and my fat ass knocked over my umbrella lights and I shattered the bulb… so… until I am able to get a new bulb to replace the one I broke… I fear my photos will have wonky lighting for a bit… or I’ll just be doing a whole lot of outdoor photos for awhile (good news… since writing this review… an awesome person sent me new light bulbs… so maybe I’ll get around to updating this photos with something more color accurate…).
With a name like Siren, I’d like to get more magical mermaid vibes and less it came from the black lagoon vibes. I appreciate the innovation and the willingness to go outside the box… and I like the versatile two-in-one design, but at the end of the day the Svakom Siren is just not a home run for me. I’m not sure if this is due to the design of the toy itself or if its due mostly to my own anatomy. While the vibrations aren’t amazing (and a little buzzy) they are reasonably strong – they did get me off after all (but if you like your vibrations Hitachi powerful you will be sorely disappointed). I also don’t really like the flickering tongue thing… that is a gimmick that just never thrills me, it lacks the kind of pin-point stimulation I really crave and rarely does vibration carry through the flickering enough to really wow me. Then it had the added bonus (curse?) of having those flickering flaps be kind of rabbit eared… which also never work for me… so it was just a double whammy of things I don’t like. The bulbed end seemed pretty promising, but I wish it was longer, or the bulb fatter, or that there was enough of a curve to send the bulb up into my g-spot… the short and shallow insertion really didn’t do much for me either. But I am positive somewhere out there is a person who loves all the things I hate… in which case… you might like this toy! Maybe you are just a collector of the weird and unique… in which case the Svakom Siren would be right at home in your collection of masturbatory oddities! Overall, it is an interesting style of vibrator and I really like that it has a dual motor set-up (just wish it had a bit more oomph to it)… while it’s not my toy (I could see myself actually enjoying this toy with maybe a few tweaks… so its alllllllmost there), I am confident there must be someone who will actually enjoy this sea creature–err, vibrator.
You can pick up the Svakom Siren direct from Svakom!
The Svakom Siren was provided to my free of charge by Svakom in exchange for my honest review.
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