Zumio… more like ZumiOH-MY-GOD-THIS-IS-AWESOME! Like, seriously, I can’t stand how much I love this thing… since the Zumio came home with me from Las Vegas it had displaced my Doxy Wand as my current orgasm go-to toy. That’s how friggin’ amazing this weird little toy is! My Doxy has been sulking under the bed and has been plotting it’s revenge on this new member of my sex toy family, but I’m sure it’ll get over it eventually.
I have wanted to try out a Zumio from the very moment it was introduced. It is weird looking, which of course intrigued me right away… it sort of looks like an electric toothbrush that is missing it’s bristles. Or maybe like the long, creepy finger of the Aye-Aye. Or maybe its some kind of alien probing device! Whatever it looks like, I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. I wanted it so bad that I kept dropping subtle hints on twitter. “SEND ME A ZUMIO AND I’LL SHOW YOU MY BUTT!!” Okay… maybe my tweets weren’t so subtle after all… Then while checking out sex toys at Smitten Kitten I encountered my first Zumio in person and I wanted it EVEN MORE! But, things just weren’t working out in my favor… no one asked me to review it and those go I approached said they already sent out their quota of Zumios for review… NOOOooooooo… WHY!? Whhhhhhhy me! After a thorough fist shaking and ample amount of cursing of the gods, I moved on with my life… after all, I do have a seemingly endless supply of sex toys to review… who cares if my white whale got away…
Well, fast forward to January and I am at the AVN show and I see a giant sign for a Zumio. I probably freaked out a little bit and a little too loudly and caught the attention of the fellow working the booth. He asked if I’ve heard of the Zumio before… “uhh, duh, of course I have!” He then offered to send me home with not only the Zumio but also the Zumio Caress to review. OH MY GOD A DREAM COME TRUE! But the story does not end their… later that evening I was attending a press event (because I totally had press credentials for the show, hellz yeah) with various sex toy companies and I bumped into the Zumio again, this time it was a representivite from Zumio itself and they handed me yet another pair of Zumios… you know… just in case. THEN the next day I got an email from Zumio saying I had won a contest (that I forgot I entered)… so suddenly I went from no Zumios to possessing ALL THE ZUMIOS! I could swim in Zumios Scrouge McDuck style.
Right now I feel like a dragon sitting on a horde of treasure. Also, much like a dragon, I now spend my days worried that small hobbit-like creatures will steal into my room and make off with my horde of Zumios. “My teeth are swords! My claws are spears! My wings are a hurricane! My clitoris is engorged and mighty!” …That’s a quote straight out of the Hobbit, I swear.
On a somewhat related note… be on the look out for a Zumio giveaway sometime in the near future…
Okay, so backing up for a moment… that press event I went to was pretty neat and surprisingly under attended by the media… which was good for me I suppose, I got to have nice long conversations with various sex toy reps, including the gentleman representing Zumio. He had a very interested no story about the woman who designed the Zumio, about how her husband passed away but she wasn’t ready to be celibate so she designed her perfect toy (mad props to her, I would have just turned to Tinder rather than designing and producing a sex toy). The story was way better when he told it, but it really made the Zumio stand out even more to me… it made it one of the most memorable toys in the room (well, that and the Uprize that Lovehoney was showing off at their table… its a dildo that has an erection with the touch of a button).
Now that we have the Zumio’s backstory out of the way, lets talk about flaws… get the negative out of the way first. Button location isn’t my favorite. Having spoken with the Zumio rep, I understand the reasoning behind it. He likened the Zumio to holding a pencil and that you could use it to “draw” around your clit (or wherever you’re using it)… but I just can’t hold it like a pencil when I’m using it on myself, it becomes too awkward. I want to hold it much higher up on the handle… which then makes reaching the buttons a bit more problematic. It’s not the worst thing in the world… for me it’s just an annoyance but I suspect it might make it very hard to operate for some users (those with reach issues, shorter arm lengths, bigger bellies, etc). I broke my wrist as a child (like bone through the skin kind of break… it was super gross…) so my left hand gets pretty achy and uncomfortable if I hold the Zumio pencil style for too long. Also, when I do hold the Zumio the way it was shown to me my my fingers are constantly bumping up against the power button and I’m constantly turning the toy off instead of adjusting the intensity. So that is probably my greatest criticism of the Zumio. Even though I dislike the placement of the buttons, the buttons themselves are actually very nice. The smaller round button is a button dedicated solely to turning the Zumio off and on. The figure eight shaped button is used for kicking the intensity up and backing it down again. So operating the Zumio is very simple…. reaching the buttons is another matter entirely. And since we are on the topic of buttons and what they do, its probably worth mentioning that the Zumio has eight settings all of them are intensities and none of them are irritating patterns… this is a big thumbs up from me.
The other bit about the Zumio I’m not a fan of was during the pitch I was given about the Zumio they made the claim that the Zumio would make the user orgasm in 60 seconds. The Zumio is intense, there is no doubt about that… but every body is different. I don’t understand marketing that may make those who take longer to orgasm feel like they aren’t doing it right. The speed in which I orgasm is less important than “can it make me orgasm”… like I don’t care if it took me 20 minutes to reach the end result… what I care about is “could it make me orgasm” and was the “quality of orgasm” worth it. Sure, I like my “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” toys… but I also occasionally enjoy toys with a slower build up. This in no way effects the Zumio itself… its just a bit of marketing that made me feel a bit itchy while I was standing there listening to the whole spiel.
I feel like I should get this out of the way now… if you don’t like pin-point stimulation, you are not going to like the Zumio. The Zumio is ALLLLLL pin-point stimulation. That little ball on the end of its antenna is very adept at directing vibrations right into one pea sized spot. The tip of the Zumio is very precise, so you almost have to know exactly where “your spot” is or be okay with fumbling around and experimenting until you find it. The Zumio rep recommended drawing the alphabet with it… but… no…. I don’t have time for that. I just set the Zumio’s tip against the upper right side of my clit and wait. That’s my spot, there is no sense in messing with what works.
The main body as well as the little antenna head of the Zumio is made from ABS plastic while the button portion of the toy is covered in silicone… and as you can no doubt tell from my photos it attracts lint like thats its job. I feel like I could use the silicone portion of my Zumio as a lint roller in a pinch… actually, I feel that way about a lot of my silicone toys… reusable lint rollers that are also capable of sexual satisfaction! The hard little antenna ball is interesting… and apparently contains what the people at Zumio call Spiro Tip Technology… because reasons. What this means exactly, I don’t know… something about instead of vibrating it has a oscillating motion… I don’t know… this is probably true… but it feels exactly the same as a vibration to me… but I’m sure there is science or something to it (shrug). What I can tell you about it is that it feels pretty intense and pretty awesome… although I have given myself a few stabbing injuries by pressing the small ball into my clit at a bad angle or with to much zeal. So I suppose be gentle with yourself the Zumio is a toy not a weapon.
In use… well… I don’t think I need to spend too much time here… I think I’ve pretty much covered how much I have enjoyed this toy in use, but there is one little thing I want to touch on. So, the toy is intense… although you do have a little control over the intensity, not just via the buttons, but also by where you position it and by the amount of pressure you apply to the toy. The harder you push down (the more pressure you apply) the more the toy slows down, so I found I could really vary the sensations and really customize it to what I wanted by easing up or applying more pressure, its pretty neat.
Okay, now I think one of my favorite features of the Zumio (well… besides the awesome orgasms its given me) is the charging stand. First of all… the little cup is perfect for storing the Zumio on my nightstand when its not in use, helps keep it from rolling away from me and collecting lint and dog hair. Second of all it makes charging like literally the easiest thing ever. Just plug the USB cable into your computer or wall adapter thingy and plop the Zumio down into the cup and BAM you are charging the toy. Very clever little design and I’m a big fan. A+ from me on charging capabilities.
Do I recommend it? Hellz to the yeah I do! I’m a fan of the Zumio, I can’t deny it. It has become my number one go to toy… yes… I have been reaching for it even over my beloved Doxy Wands! I love how compact, lightweight, and easy to use the Zumio is. It also doesn’t hurt that this thing is a little powerhouse of orgasmic potential… I have never been disappointed by the Zumio! Okay… that’s not completely true… I have been disappointed a couple of times when I forgot to charge the Zumio after my last play session with it and I run it out of batteries mid-use and I have to weight to charge it back up or reach for another toy to finish the job… but other than that… zero disappointments! The Zumio is very discreet… for one, it doesn’t even look like a sex toy, you could tell me it was a specialized skin massager or zit zapper and I would 100% believe you. Also this thing is quiet… I was honestly floored by how quiet it ended up being. If you are looking for a toy with stellar pin-point capabilities, I 100% can recommend the Zumio… I honestly can’t get enough of this thing. The only thing I really wish I could change about the Zumio is the price… it does carry a hefty triple digit price tag… but if you are like me, you’ll probably get your money’s worth out of this toy and I have a feeling it will last you quite awhile (at least I haven’t burnt out the motor yet at least… and I think I’ve run this toy every day for a month straight….). BONUS INFO: So, there is another Zumio called the Caress which I will be reviewing shortly… the tip of it is softer and the antenna is a bit shorter… but I’ll get to all that in another review.
Have I convinced you that your life is just not complete without a Zumio of your own? Ready to run right out and purchase one for yourself! Well two of my very favorite places on the entire internet can hook you up! Peepshow Toys and SheVibe are both ready and waiting to fulfill your Zumio Dreams. COUPON ALERT: Use the code KITTEN at Peepshow Toys to get a cool 10% off your order!
The Zumio was provided to me free of charge by the East Coast Trading Company and Zumio in exchange for my honest opinion.