You know how they say when it rains it pours? I feel that way about sex toys sometimes. Like… I can go years without ever reviewing a particular sex toy brand… and then all of a sudden the flood gates open and I suddenly have more toys from that brand than I know what to do with! This seems to be my current situation with Screaming O. In all my years of blogging about sex toys (which is like… half a decade at this point) I never owned anything from Screaming O… nothing… not even one of those cheap ass stretchy cock rings they sell in just about every novelty shop ever. Then Peepshow Toys sent me the Screaming O Toone and the Screaming O Scoop followed… and now its like the flood gates have opened, because I am suddenly tits deep in Screaming O products (so I guess, be on the lookout for those reviews sometime in the future). So… yeah… I wish this would happen with useful things, like money… or puppies… or even pizzas.

So, I didn’t mind the Screaming O Toone and I would even go so far as to say I actually liked it (as much as I can like a rabbit vibrator at any rate), but there was something about it that did leave me wanting more. Pulling the Scoop out of the box, while it is no where near as cute as the Toone (that goofy cartoony looking abstract rabbit) it did have a shape I was much more excited about. I really want to describe the shape as being similar to a Frito’s Scoop… but that is completely inaccurate… but they are one of my favorite chips… so I just really wanted the analogy to work… but it doesn’t… so I’ll keep thinking (I mean… I think Frito’s Scoop could work… if the chip wasn’t like… flat and scoopy…). Okay, so you know what it really looks like Like a really blunt dragon claw… or alligator tooth… or the fingernail of some kind of scary, yet fashionable, giant from up the beanstalk. Its shape is sort of bulbous at the bast that tapers off into a kind of blunt tip… honestly, I think  fingernail might be the closest thing I can think of to the shape. The Screaming O packaging describes the shape of the Scoop as being a “gentle curve and contoured tip” … but I think I’ve nailed it with fingernail.  Anyway, what excited me most about the shape of the Scoop versus the Toone is that the tip of the Scoop made it look like it would be much easier to direct a bit more pinpoint stimulation directly where I wanted it (which is usually my preferred way of using a vibrator).

Operating the Screaming O Scoop is pretty darn simple. To turn on, all one must do is press and hold down the power button (which is located on the front… not scooped side… of the vibrator) and wait for a few seconds until the toy vibrates to life. Tapping that same button again will cycle you through the toys functions, of which it has twenty total. That is far too many functions, nobody needs that many modes… especially when there is only one button to control them all. Sometimes I like to cycle between a lower and a higher speed on my vibrators, which is easy if you have an up and down button… but when the whole toy is controlled via a single, solitary button…it gets tedious real quick. Say I am enjoying function number 4 and I feel like I need to kick it up a notch or two so I ramp it up to 6 but then I decide “oh no, thats too much” and I need to back it down again… I have to cycle through every frickin’ mode that this toy has in order to find my way back to number 4. Its a less obnoxious feature on a vibrator that only has a few functions… but with twenty… it’s too much. If I could change one thing about the Screaming O Scoop, it would be to add a second button… give it an up/down function. And you can’t tell me “oh, no… we can’t do that… this toy is much too small for a second button!” Because I will call bullshit on that… this toy is at least palm sized… and there is plenty of unoccupied real estate for a second button. GIVE ME MY 2nd BUTTON DAMNIT!

One redeeming feature about the Scoop’s twenty functions (or FUNctions as Screaming O likes to say) is that ten of those functions are a range of constant speeds. Usually when a toy says I HAVE X NUMBER OF FUNCTIONS… it turns out it has three constant speeds and then a metric butt-ton of patterns that no one wants (okay… maybe someone wants them… but I sure don’t). So, at least with the Scoop’s twenty, I also get a wide range of intensities… and that is cool. When I first turned on the Scoop I was pleasantly surprised at how strong the initial setting was… the Scoop didn’t come here to mess around… it’s getting straight down to business! If you are the kind of person who likes to start off with a very gentle warm-up speed… this may be a little bit of a shock right off the bat… but I don’t think it’s anything too crazy high powered. The first five or six speeds, the Scoop emits a very delicious deep rumble that just turns me into butter… its very nice… but after that, things do trend more towards buzzy, and while they are excellently high powered… I don’t feel it quite as deep down as I do with those lower, more rumbly settings. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing though, often times I do like those fast and buzzy vibrations… they do often bring me to orgasm very quickly. So I use the lower settings more for savoring the experience and then pump it up to those higher pitched buzzy settings when I’m ready to just let loose. When I placed the Scoop into a friends hands, they thought it felt more rumbly down the base of the toy, rather than up at the top. We had a “agree to disagree” sort of fight about it, I really feel like the rumble does make it up and out the tip, but they were swearing up and down it was not happening. So… now I doubt everything I think and I am spiraling down into a pit of self-doubt over this. Personally, I think it rumbles… I guess that is as good as I can tell you.

The next ten settings are all patterns. As you should well know by now, patterns rarely do anything for me, I am not a fan. To orgasm (usually) I need constant contact by both the toy and the vibrations… patterns leave too much of a gap and my clit quickly loses interest in those micro seconds of nothing happening. But, if you are a person who enjoys patterns, there is a pretty nice variation for those who wish to use them. Personally, I found none of them exciting and will never use my Scoop on anything beyond the ten constant speed settings. In all honesty, I think that Screaming O would have created a better toy by stopping at six intensity modes, dropping the four most buzzy and then cutting those patterns out (or at least in half). Then this would have been a fantastically rumbly toy without all the necessary flash that was added in to impress (but does nothing for me)… simple would have been better (especially if you aren’t going to give me a second damn operating button). But… even as is, the Scoop is still a reasonably nice toy (it’s just trying to hard to get your attention).

Going back to the shape of the toy (because I’m obsessed), I love it. It is just as excellent as I thought it would be. The (somewhat) flexible, contoured tip does everything I wanted it to do and more… it is a goddamn delight to my clit. I am able to press that rounded tip right up against my clit and really direct those rumbly vibrations down deep. The tip has just enough squish to it that I’m not hurting myself as I press down hard (as I like to do), but the tip does still remain just firm enough that I’m not loosing that pinpoint stimulation. Sometimes a toy billed as “flexible” ends up being too flexible and it bends and contorts under the weight I put against it (again… I really tend to push down hard and deep…), so I appreciate it being somewhat squishy without losing its shape. I also appreciate that it is easy to hold. I have been placing the butt end of the toy in the palm of my hand, my thumb down on the underside where the toy curves and then place my pointer finger on the button, this has allowed me to control the toy with relative ease and change through the settings without having to move the toy from my clit. Rolling the Scoop over onto its side and letting the curve kind of wrap around my clit felt VERY nice… in fact, this probably worked out better than using just the tip, as I got to feel a lot more of the rumble as it traveled through the body of the toy. The Scoop was definitely handing out respectable orgasms and in a reasonable amount of time (if a toy is too weak or the vibrations too shallow, it can take me ages upon ages to orgasm… often times I just get bored and stop before orgasming if I get one of those sorts of toys).

The Screaming O Scoop is rechargeable, hooray! To charge, all you’ve got to do is channel your inner alien and perform your very best anal probing. There is a long, thin, prob-like looking end on the charger… you just take that and jam it into the little silicone butthole of the scoop. Does that sound to graphic? Here… there is a little silicone looking button on the very bottom end of the Scoop, it doesn’t look like anything will fit into it… but trust me, the probe will fit. Just push it gently, it will go all the way in. The other end of the cable is just a standard USB and can be pluged into a computer/laptop or AC Adapter (you know, like that wall cube that came with your phone). When the rid light is on, the Scoop is charging once the red light turns off it means that the Scoop is fully charged (or that you have tripped over the cable and disconnected the Scoop from the cable…). Screaming O recommends that you charge your Scoop regularly every 1 to 2 months to preserve battery life (because science or something).

The price is another really attractive feature of the Scoop. It has the kind of rumbly vibrations that I expect out of a luxury vibrator, but at a fraction of the price! Currently the Scoop retails at about $45… which I still think is the upper end of affordable… like generally I think anything under $50 can be reasonably call affordable… but to me AFFORDABLE would be like… $25/$30… but I really can’t complain, like I said it has near luxury quality vibrations without that triple digit price tag.

Do I recommend the Screaming O Scoop? I think that I do, yes. Just like the Toone, the Scoop turned out to be a surprising little powerhouse (although, I guess I shouldn’t have been all that surprised) with some nice rumble. Because of the body shape, I definitely prefer the Scoop to the Toone (but if you are a rabbit fan, you may prefer the Toone) and like that I can lay the tip down next to my clit and get that pinpoint stimulation. The silicone has a very matte feel to it which gives it a nice drag, I think this feels really good against my skin, especially with a little dash of water-based lube… it still has that grabby feeling to it, but also slides well… I really enjoy how that feels running over my body. With the exception of it only having that one button… I have no other complaints about the Scoop, it is a pretty nice little toy. So, if you are looking for a rumbly, palm sized vibrator and don’t want to break the bank on something like a We-Vibe Wish, I think you’ll like it!

Also… because Toone was spelled with an extra e at the end, I kept wanting to add one to Scoop… I typed out Scoope many, many, many times… this review is littered with the corpses of deleted e‘s. Perhaps we should take a moment of quiet reflection in honor of those lost letters.

Pick up your Screaming O Scoop from the swell folks at Peepshow Toys! And as if being able to buy something from a store as cool as Peepshow Toys wasn’t enough… I am also throwing in a 10% discount! Use it to buy yourself a Screaming O Scoop or anything else your heart desires! Just use the code KITTEN at checkout and the discount will be applied to your cart!

The Screaming O Scoop was provided to me free of charge by Peepshow Toys in exchange for my honest review. 

I can’t lie… the number one reason I asked to review the Uberrime Dr. Manhattan is so I could make an irritating number of blue penis jokes. The kind of jokes I couldn’t stop making after watching Watchman in theaters with my friends. The kinds of jokes that are no doubt the reason why no one invites me to the movies anymore… and honestly, most my jokes won’t even be that funny… just a lot of me giggling about blue balls (even though this particular version of Dr. Manhattan has no balls).

First off, did I just hear you say who is Dr. Manhattan (you should be ashamed of yourself… just kidding… or am I)? Well… in the DC Comics, he just happens to be a nuclear physicist named Dr. Jonathan Osterman who happened to survive being disintegrated in an Intrinsic Field Subtractor and then reconstructing himself (you know, as one does…) and thusly being transformed into one of the most supreme beings of the DC world… he was then given the name Doctor Manhattan (after the Manhattan project) and pressed into service by the United States Government. He then just spends a heck of a lot of time being both very naked and very blue. Like… seriously… he is almost never wearing clothes in the comics… he just rocks out with his cock out ALL THE TIME… but you can do that when you are a supreme and omnipotent being… I guess.

So, the idea in the original comic book version of Doctor Manhattan was apparently to give him “understated” genitals—like some sort of classical greek sculpture… something that the reader wouldn’t necessarily notice initially. Then the movie Watchmen with Billy Crudup playing to role of Doctor Manhattan came along…  and suddenly Doctor Manhattan was HUNG. Full frontal nudity with a big ol’ anaconda dangling between his legs (and dare I say it even looks uncircumcised)… did Billy Crudup say he would only play the role of Doctor Manhattan if he got a huge dick? I mean… thats what I would put in my contract if it were me… so I can’t blame him if he did. The Uberrime Dr. Manhattan is a whopping 9.5 inches in total length (and has 8.75 inches of insertable length)… I’m just going to go ahead and say it… there is absolutely nothing “understated” about that… so the Uberrime version is a bit more movie Manhattan dick than original comics dick… Other important dick measurements (help, I’m caught dick loop and I can’t stop saying it) is the head, measuring in with a circumference of 5.75 inches, the mid-point of the shaft with a circumference of 5 inches and the base of the shaft with a circumference of 5.66 inches. So girth-wise, I would say it is maybe slightly above average but not overly girthy and adequately filling.

Something else about Doctor Manhattan that I touched on briefly is his coloring. After his Intrinsic Field Subtractor incident (she says as if she understands any of that) Dr. Osterman (now Manhattan) returns as a blue-skinned man, glowing with a “flare of ultraviolet.” Much like his human (or super-human as the case may be) counterpart, the Uberrime Dr. Manhattan dildo also has that blue tone… well, actually I would say mine is more of a teal-ish color… maybe more of an aquamarine… the actual Doctor Manhattan is more of a blue blue but whatever… were splitting hairs here… (or should I say splitting atoms… get it… because you know… science?! I told you all of my jokes in this review would be bad). My photos aren’t really doing the color justice, it has much more of a greenish hue to it than my camera was catching (although I wish it was more true to the color of my photos… thats the kind of blue I want for my Dr. Manhattan) as I have recently suffered the loss of one of my studio lights and the overhead lights in my office just weren’t cutting it… c’est la vie.  There are also some lovely swirls of silver throughout the whole toy and of course… the all important glitter. Lots of shimmery glitter… which definitely gives this Dr. Manhattan his super-human appearance… because super heroes should glisten and glitter goddamnit! And while the Uberrime Dr. Manhattan may not have a “flare of ultraviolet” it does glow in the god damn dark! When left to charge under bright lights, the Dr. Manhattan dildo will glow blue-in-the-dark for a nearly a full half hour (assuming you’ve given it enough time to power up). Really, the only thing this version of Dr. Manhattan is missing is the hydrogen symbol embossed on it somewhere (preferably on the head). Side note… do you think that Doctor Manhattan ejaculates in some kind of ethereal blue jizz? Or is he so far beyond human needs and desires that his giant blue penis just there for decorative purposes?

Dr. Manhattan is made from wonderfully soft (shore 5) platinum silicone. In fact everything Uberrime makes is skin-safe, phthalate free silicone… because that’s how Uberrime rolls… so if you are on the hunt for a unique, amazing, and totally functional silicone dildo you really should check out all the toys Uberrime has to offer! Silicone is great because it is SO easy to clean. Normally, when I finish with my silicone toys I give them a quick rinse in the sink then let them just air dry on the counter (or in the bedroom on the nightstand) and then every so often I have a big dildo cleaning day and toss all my silicone into the dishwasher to give everyone a quick go round in the hot water (sans any dishwashing detergent). The Dr. Manhattan has minimal texturing (at least as far as nooks and crannies go), so with the exception for the ridge right under the head of the toy, there aren’t any finicky areas that need a lot of attention and scrubbing to remove lube and vag/butt goo.

The Uberrime Dr. Manhattan reminds me A LOT of the Uberrime Night King I reviewed during my Spooky Month Countdown last October. Both toys are long and perfect for waggling at people. The texture seem pretty similar to me as well, both toys have a pretty pronounced phallic head (which is the only bit of realism you are going to get with this toy… everything else is pure comic book magic) as well as a well defined second corneal ridge. The similarities don’t end there either! Both toys also have the same sort of swirling, ribbed texture that seems to emanate off a pronounced ridge that runs the length of the shaft (although the texture of the Dr. Manhattan is much less pronounced and is much softer). Which leads me to the only possible conclusion… somehow Dr. Manhattan… in his ability to be every where at all times, past, present and future… is also living in a timeline (maybe in our far future?) where Westeros is a thing and he has taken on the role of the Night King… another blue skinned dude who doesn’t really give a fuck what humans got going on. SOLVED IT. These blue dicks are the same person. Although, the Night King seems to be a bit firmer its silicone being listed as a shore 10… but if you live North of the Wall, your dick is bound to be a bit firmer… after all… its probably frozen solid. Or he’s like… some kind of magically dead (zombie-esque) being… so rigor mortis has just set in and his cock is always just a little bit firm. ANYWAY, whether or not you believe the Night King and the Dr. Manhattan to be the same (or at least sameish) toy, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I really enjoyed using the Dr. Manhattan just as much as I did the Night King. The squishiness of the Dr. Manhattan did mean I didn’t feel the textures of the toy quite as intensely as I did on the Night King, but, also… its possible that there is just somewhat less texturing over all on the Dr. Manhattan.

Okay… I was so worked up over this whole Night King/Dr. Manhattan thing that I just finally went straight to the source and bothered Marco (Mr. Uberrime himself) about the whole situation. He assures me that Dr. Manhattan and the Night King are both different toys… they just happen to be similarish. Dr. Manhattan is softer (which I said) and has less texture (which I also said… kind of) but is not the exact same toy with the Dr. Manhattan being based off an older design of the same name. So… there we go… that solves that! Thank goodness… because that was going to wear on me big time.

The base of the Dr. Manhattan makes it suitable for both anal use and harness fun. Since it is kind of on the longer side, it did droop a bit in my harness… although my harness is kind of on the cheaper side and isn’t totally adjustable… so if I could have just cinched things up a little tighter it may have stood more erect. But still, even being a little droopy, it worked just fine! Also, since I mentioned that its anal safe I just gotta say… I looooooooove putting this toy in my but. Oh man… its… magic. The softer silicone and the gentle texturing… anal perfection. I also like that its girthy but not wildly girthy, which makes it just about right for my butt. I also like the length that it has to it… while it beats up against my cervix if I go too hog wild with it thrusting vaginally… the length is perfect for kind of gently sliding into my ass and feeling just perfectly full. This is an excellent butt dildo. A+, do recommend for butt stuff.

I pretty much have to recommend you go out and buy the Dr. Manhattan dildo right away. Uberrime is such an excellent crafter of silicone toys… you need to own at least one (if not a dozen) of his toys! The silicone is top notch, the colors are frickin’ awesome, every design I’ve tested thus far has been very well thought out (and crafted by hand)… there is no reason not to own one! Although, if length is not your thing… the Dr. Manhattan may not be your thing. It is a long toy (9.5 inches remember) and I ended up with it attacking my cervix with it once or twice when I let myself get a little too crazy with the thrusting (although when I took it slow I was able to kind of massage it back behind my cervix and that felt nice). The Dr. Manhattan is a nice melding of realism and fantasy, making for a dildo that kind of looks like a human penis… but also… its very clearly not a human penis at all. Great for anyone who kind of likes the general shape of a penis, but would prefer it to not look at all human. Also, if you are planning on ever cosplaying as Dr. Manhattan… this dildo is pretty much a must. It is the perfect way to complete your stark naked, supreme blue being costume. Just put this dildo in a blue harness and you are good to go. And another thing… if you are ever short a lint roller, Dr. Manhattan has got you covered, the matte silicone has a way of finding every stray bit of lint and hair it comes in contact with. I thought I had throughly cleaned my photo table… and yet as soon as I laid it down, it found all kinds of dust and dog hair!

The Dr. Manhattan is available exclusively from SheVibe, so if you want to pick up this blue beast for yourself, you are going to have to go there! But don’t worry, they are nice people, they will share their supply of Dr. Manhattan’s with you if you ask nicely (or by just adding one to your cart)!

The Uberrime Dr. Manhattan was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.

When I got into the sex toy reviewing business there was a particular dildo that I really wanted to get my hands on, it was a fantastic pink and blue, cotton candy looking jellyfish. It was both whimsical and incredibly detailed…it was like no dildo I had ever seen before and I wanted it bad. Sadly for me, by the time I was actually in a position to purchase this magical beast the company, Whipspider Rubberworks was gone and so were my chances of finding a mythical jellyfish dildo. That is at least until Uberrime came to the rescue with the Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0, a tribute piece based on the original but with a few improvements based on feedback and reviews of the original Whipspider toy. So, at the behest of SheVibe, Jellyfish 2.0 was born… while similar to the original, Uberrime crafted this new version from scratch and put his own spin on the much beloved and much missed toy. While I am sad that I will probably never own the original Jellyfish (unless I find someone willing to part with theirs), I am super stoked to have brought home the Jellyfish 2.0 version! Not all heroes wear capes… some heroes wear nitrile gloves and play with silicone.

The Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0 ended up being much smaller than I was expecting (doesn’t this always seem to be the case? I must have a very large and very over-active imagination when it comes to dildos). It seems to be a pretty average human penis size (or at least what I’ve come to think of as average as it seems to closely match my Stunt Cock… although Stunt Cock has far fewer tentacles hanging from his penis head). Jellyfish 2.0 measures in with a total length of 6.5 inches without about 5.5 inches of that being insertable length and has a diameter of about 1.55 inches at the widest point of the shaft and 1.91 inches at the head. Just as a point of reference, the original Whipspider Jellyfish measured in at  inches total length with 6 inches being insertable and about 1.5 inches at the widest point of its shaft (according to what I read on an old review at SheVibe). So the Jellyfish 2.0 is just a tad bit shorter and just a tiny smidgen wider at its widest point. The Jellyfish 2.0’s head is pretty impressive, it is very pronounced, with the ridge extending out roughly a quarter inch from the shaft… giving it quite the ridge (I tried really hard to come up with a coherent joke referencing the mid-ocean ridge and plate tectonics here, but came up empty handed), which really gives it a super POP against the pubic bone when thrusted. I love that pop… that pop is everything. All hail the penis pop…. err, I guess it isn’t really a penis… its a simple animal with radial symmetry… but you get what I mean.

Even though it’s name is Jellyfish 2.0, I haven’t actually addressed what this dildo looks like… I mean… I assume you know that it looks like a jellyfish… but then again, dildos these days have such random and wacky names… you just never know. So, the Jellyfish 2.0 does in fact look like a jellyfish… if a jellyfish was a dildo. It has that big mushroom looking head, which would be the body of the jellyfish and the shaft is made up of long, wavy, jellyfish tendrils… tentacles… legs? Is there a name for that? I feel like google could tell me… but… who has time to google (me, I have plenty of time to do that… I am just stubbornly refusing to do so) then the base is… just a base, nothing fancy or nautical themed about that.

Now, as I understand it, the texturing on the original Jellyfish was pretty intense and is something that has been toned down in Uberrime’s version. Made from a shore 5 silicone, the Jellyfish 2.0 is a squishy soft toy with a lot of bend and flex to it. So with softer silicone and more toned down tentacle texturing, the Jellyfish 2.0 does not feel at all like an assault on the vagina. Its kind of hard to describe what it does feel like… its got all these wavy ripples flowing down the shaft… its a goddamn experience slowly dragging that against my vaginal walls… it is a texture lovers dream come true. If this is a softer, more subtle version… I would have LOVED to have experienced the original (although one blogger described it as being “abrasive”)! But, as it is… I do have to keep the Jellyfish 2.0 well lubed (I’m all about the Sutil water based lube lately), or I do start to feel that kind of “raw” feeling I get with a dry dildo or very textured dildo… so maybe toning the original texture down was a good thing.

The base of the Jellyfish is flared and acceptable for anal use… I tried to put it in my butt, but it was too much for me… while that popping head feels great vaginally, I wasn’t a huge fan of it going into my butt… it was a bit startling… and the textures a bit too much, even though they are soft. The base is also really good at sticking to my desk and other assorted flat surfaces though… I don’t think it is intended to have a suction cup, but it seems to work like one (maybe not as strong a hold as something actually designed to suction)… so I guess thats a bonus! Unlike the original Jellyfish, the base of the Jellyfish 2.0 is graded subtly, making it a more harness friendly toy. I did not get around to testing it in my harness, as a jellyfish dick is just ridiculous! Actually… I haven’t tested it out of not knowing where my harness is at the moment-ness… but I bet it would be awesome. I’d like to peg someone with my gelatinous creature from the depths…

OH! And I haven’t even mentioned the coolest part of the Jellyfish 2.0 yet! IT FUCKIN’ GLOWS IN THE MUTHA-FUCKIN DARK! I frickin’ love when a toy glows… I don’t know why… it is just such a stupidly fun bit of novelty that gets me every time. If you put the Jellyfish 2.0 in some nice, bright, intense light (I put it under my desk lamp) for awhile to charge, you can get maybe a good 20 to 25 minutes of glowing from this thing! Oh, and also… glitter is another thing that really gets me going… and the Jellyfish 2.0 also has flecks of glitter all up in its body. I think Uberrime knows that they can just hand me a pile of glowing glitter and I’ll be all “YEP! THIS GETS A GOOD REVIEW! A+! LOVE THIS TOY.” They are on to me…

Okay… to recap, the Jellyfish 2.0 starts with a solid POP as the head pushes past the pubic bone then gives way to a beautifully textured shaft and ends with a flared base that is good for both anal and harness use…  how can I not recommend the Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0? If you’ve already read my Night King and Dr. Manhattan reviews… you know that I love Uberrime, the silicone toys are really top notch and well designed, Marco does excellent work as master dildosmith (dildocraftsman…dongforger…?) and you can’t go wrong adding one of his creations to your collection. The Jellyfish 2.0 maaaaay not be the right dildo for everyone though, first off… its weird… not everyone likes weird… second, the texture, even though its been toned down from the original, may still overwhelm some folks. I could also see the very pronounced head being more then some might care for. But there is no doubt a group of us for whom the Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0 is a dream come true… those who love texture… those who have a passion for marine biology and masturbation… those who really enjoy that pubic bone pop… and those who, like me, were super bummed about missing out on the original Whipspider Rubberworks version. The price ain’t all bad either, you can get yourself a fabulously crafted silicone Jellyfish dildo for less than $100 (as of this post it’s retailing at $76)! And, if it turns out you hate it… it makes a fabulous art piece for your desk or fireplace mantle.

Can’t wait to catch an Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0? Well, you will have to swim on down to SheVibe, as the Jellyfish 2.0 is a dildo exclusive just to them! Available no where else… which means if you pick up the Jellyfish 2.0 you can join our super exclusive, super awesome club for people who went to SheVibe and bought a Jellyfish dildo, YAY!

The Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0 was provided to me free of charge by Uberrime in exchange for my honest review.

Happy Valentine’s Day! How are you celebrating? Are you celebrating?!? Frankly, I’m still trying to recover from Christmas… I don’t know how any of us can possibly be ready for another holiday so soon! I’m not a big Valentine’s person… I don’t mind the holiday or anything… in fact in theory, I love it… it’s just that it always sneaks up on me and I am NEVER prepared for it. I’m the kind of person who will buy you gas station chocolate (Milky Way or Kit Kats anyone?) on our way to some fancy-ass dinner you spent weeks planning (not because I’m cheap or anything… just because I forgot it was Valentine’s Day). I’m just bad at grand gestures of love… but I do appreciate them for sure! I’m really more of a day after Valentine’s Day discount chocolate shopper… and yes, of course I will totally share my discount chocolate with you, because I love you.

Now, even though I am bad at remembering the whole V-Day thing, I do love the whole Valentine’s Day vibe. Sugary sweets, cakes, cupcakes, hearts and adorable cartoony animals, everything in shades of pink and purple and of course all the love and sex stuff… OMG… I FUCKING LOVE IT. So OBVIOUSLY I was going to go absolutely gaga for the Blush Novelties Sweet Bunny Classic Slim Vibe and the Blush Novelties Sweet Rush Classic Slim Vibe! I mean… duh… they combine all of my favorite parts of Valentine’s Day… adorable pink things, sweets, and masturbating?! COUNT ME IN! I about DIED when I opened up a box from Peepshow Toy’s and saw these adorable vibrators staring back at me… I can not imagine two more adorably designed toys.

Body design-wise, the Sweet Bunny and Sweet Rush are nothing fancy. They are insanely simple, no-frills vibrators that do remind me an awful lot of some the cheap plastic vibes I bought when I was first exploring the whole idea of sex toys (and that I probably bought someplace horrid like a Spencer’s Gifts). But unlike those cheap plastic and oh so terribly weak vibes of yore, the Sweet Bunny and Sweet Rush Classic Slim Vibes actually feel like some thought and effort went into creating them and they aren’t just slap dash plastic jobbies thrown together to entice bachelorette party shoppers. These vibrators may be simple, but they are not at all cheap.

I gotta say though, I was super annoyed to rip into the packaging of the Sweet Bunny, ready to shove that sucker up my vagina and give myself the world’s most adorable orgasm, only to find out that this friggin’ thing needs batteries! Batteries which I, myself, must provide! What kind of person do you think I am?! Do I look like the kind of person who has their shit together and keeps packages of spare batteries tucked neatly in a drawer?! I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT THAT PERSON! Okay, I knew from scoping this toy out earlier that it required two AA batteries… but I’ve just been so spoiled lately by battery powered toys that come already equipped with the necessary batteries that I just assumed that the Sweet Bunny and Sweet Rush would be the same. But no… as the packaging clearly states “batteries not included.” So, once I realized I needed to supply my own AA’s I began that all to familiar trek around my house looking for something that was also powered by AA’s that I could steal the batteries from… now my XBOX remote has no batteries, but at least my vibrator works! I’m sure all of you are better than me and have spare batteries tucked away for just such occasions… so this really isn’t a big deal.

The body of the Sweet Bunny and the Sweet Rush (and the Sweet Cream, which I do not own but is equally as cute as the two I do own) are all made from a velvety smooth matte ABS plastic with the little design characters feeling ever so slightly raised, almost as if they were stickers placed on the body of the toy (but no, you can not peel them off… I tried). The shaft of the toy (as the name implies) rather slim, with an insertable width of just one inch (just a bit wider then my weirdly fat thumb… I know you don’t know what my thumb looks like… but the one on my left hand is all fat and goofy, who knows why). Lengthwise it’s now slouch, it is 7 inches in total length with a solid 5.5 inches of insertable length (I guess you technically could go deeper… but then you are reaching the rough lip just above the cap and that seems like it could be scratchy and less fun). The shaft of the toy tapers off near the very end of the toy to a rounded tip at the top. The bottom of the toy features a red (or pink or blue, depending on your toy design) cap that controls the toys vibration and can be removed to replace the batteries. To remove the cap, simply twist it loose and it should spring free… and I really do mean spring… there is a spring right under the cap that kind of bounces the cap free when its loosened, I was not expecting such spring loaded action and lost control of my cap when I was putting batteries in the first time.

Operating the Sweet Rush and Sweet Bunny vibes is as simple as twisting a dial. According to the packaging, these vibrators are multi-speed, although how many speeds exactly I can’t really tell… they all kind of blend together to me. I have been sitting here very carefully and very slowly turning the dial trying to sort out at what point does the vibration change to something else… and I can kind of feel maybe a very subtle shift… it all feels more or less the same to me. To control these nearly imperceptible vibrations, use the rotating dial at the very bottom of the vibrators removable cap. turning it clockwise will turn the toy on and adjust the intensity (or so I’m lead to believe) while turning it counter clockwise will do the opposite and lower the intensity down until finally powering the toy off.

The vibrations are nothing to write home about. Sure, the quality of the vibrations were a bit better than I was expecting from such a simple, battery powered toy… but there was nothing that really wowed me either. But, I’ve got to say, for a budget toy powered by a pair of AA’s it was actually pretty nice. I was really expecting it to be clit numbingly buzzy or be so weak I couldn’t really tell if it was vibrating or not… so, I’m pretty happy with what I got. The vibrations are reasonably rumbly for a battery powered toy, even if they are somewhat shallow and mostly surface level. So, not a great toy for pushing against my clit… although… it’s not terrible either, I was able to push the rounded tip against my clit and get some mild pin-point style stimulation. It was nothing that was going to bring me to orgasm anytime soon… but it still felt alright. I really do seem to prefer using this toy internally and in tandem with another vibrator. I like thrusting with this and enjoying a little internal vibration while simultaneously using a more powerful vibrator on my clit… I like the little orgasm power boost I get from having those shallow rumbles going in inside me (occasionally bumping up into my G-Spot). And because it is so smooth and simple, it is an excellent vibrator for thrusting really quickly with… I like this as well. The third way I discovered I liked using this was to insert it alongside my partner penis… so like a one hole double penitration situation… it is just slender enough that I can (with enough lube) push it on in with his penis inside and enjoy some vibrating dick action. This toy is also good for teasing and tickling a partner’s (or your own) body… I was using it to tease my Stunt Cock’s balls and twirl around his nipples… he didn’t seem to object, so I think it was working for him! And I certainly didn’t mind having it run around my inner thighs and up and down my labia… not quite hitting my clit… (what a tease)! What a simple yet fairly versatile little toy!

I’ll admit it, these classic slim vibes are not the kind of toys I would probably ever use on their own, but like I said earlier, they are great to use in tandem with something else, or perhaps even as a toy to warm up with before moving on to the big guns. And it’s certainly a whole heck of a lot better than a lot of other battery powered cheapo vibes out there! Also, Sweet Bunny and Sweet Rush’s size does make both vibrators rather portable and good for travel, a toy that could very easily be packed into an overnight bag or suitcase (I would recommend removing batteries first though as the dial does seem to twist pretty freely). Another reason I think they are great for travel is the fact that they are so inexpensive… if the airlines lost your luggage or you accidentally left one in a hotel room or friends house… it isn’t a big deal… it would be far more devastating to lose a vibrator that cost you somewhere in the triple digits though! But at about $20 a pop… these are the perfect budget vibe.

If you are on the hunt for a super simple budget vibe that also happens to be super adorable, the Blush Novelties Sweet Rush and Sweet Bunny are exactly what you need! I think these vibes would be an excellent jumping off point for someone who may be new to vibes and isn’t exactly sure what it is they are looking for or what they may want out of a vibrator. Size-wise it is not at all overwhelming and in terms of power its not all that intense (but would still be more than adequate enough for someone who prefers mild to mid-level vibrations) and it’s not too intimidating in terms of packaging either (no naked people here!). All in all it is a very sweet collection of easy to use, easy to clean, and SUPER adorable vibes! I can definitely recommend (assuming you aren’t looking for a super powerhouse of a vibrator).

Okay, this needs to be said… so the Blush Novelties Sweet Rush and Sweet Bunny are both labeled as being “Limited Edition” but I’m not sure just how limited that means…. like… is there a set end date to these and they will all just self-destruct once that date is reached or is it just an only so many were made so once they are gone once they are all gone sort of situation? I don’t know… but if you think they are as cute as I do and you know that you are going to want one, you should probably grab one now (or if you are reading this sometime far in the future and they are all gone… I’ll sell you mine for $1000 each…).

Just incase limited edition means… GET IT NOW OR ELSE… why don’t you go ahead and run on over to Peepshow Toys, and bring home the Sweet Bunny, Sweet Rush, and/or Sweet Cream vibes now! Also, be sure to use the coupon code KITTEN at checkout to take an extra 10% off your order!

The Blush Novelties Sweet Bunny and Sweet Rush Classic Slim Vibes were provided to me free of charge by Peepshow Toys in exchange for my honest review.

Is this a masturbation toy or is this just some kind of newfangled Apple product?! Okay, okay… obviously the Tenga Flip Zero is a masturbator… but that hard shelled plastic case with its minimalist white detailing honestly makes it look like it could easily be some kind of fancy-schmancy accessory that those wily rascals at the Apple Store always up-sell me on (I have a hard time saying no to sales people) when all I really wanted was for them to fix my phone (for the umpteenth time, because I’m all butterfingers). Like… it could be some kind of wireless portable speaker capsule or some kind of ultra strong space capsule phone case… or something… I don’t know. I guess what I am trying to get at is that the Tenga Flip Zero looks pretty sleek and modern and wouldn’t look at all out of place in some kind of hip high-tech electronics store.

There is no doubt about it, we are definitely Tenga people in this house. When a new Tenga product arrives at my doorstep I literally (yes, literally) have to beat my Stunt Cock away with a stick to keep him from using it before I get photos (don’t worry, it’s a sexy beating with awesome impact toys and a safe word). We have had the opportunity to review a handful of other masturbation sleeves in the past from various manufacturers, but Stunt Cock inevitably comes back to one of our Tenga toys. For him, Tenga has always been the most comfortable and most satisfying toy to masturbate with. So, when the Tenga Flip Zero arrived, I was pretty much certain I would be writing a positive review of it… and I was mostly right. He does have one or two complaints about this one, but over all he still thought it was a great toy and would use it over some of the Fleshlight toys we have laying around.

So, the Tenga Flip Zero (at least as I understand it) was designed to be a follow up to the earlier Tenga Flip Hole masturbator. It was Tenga’s idea to take the Flip Hole and go back to the drawing board with it and totally redesign it, rebuilding the toy from the ground up. Creating a toy that isn’t exactly a sequel version to the Flip Hole, but rather something different… the same… but… different…. perhaps the toy Tenga had envisioned the Flip Hole to be all along, but for what ever reason didn’t think of it at the time…  (I am just inferring all this from the promo material I read… I could be way off…). The Tenga Flip Zero was released as part of Tenga’s 10th anniversary and appears to represent 10 years of everything Tenga has learned about “pleasure.”  I think that more or less summarizes where the Flip Zero is coming from…

While I was unboxing the  Tenga Flip Zero, I had peeled a bit of the outer plastic shell off and right away the bottom dropped off and scattered its contents to the floor. I panicked,  I was pretty sure I had just broke our brand new Tenga before we even had a chance to use it! Carefully, I continued to peel away the rest of the plastic (because if I already broke it… why not keep peeling) and gave the toy a good once over… at this point, I was reasonably sure (and still am) that the small plastic tray was supposed to be removable (just maybe with more finesse and less dropping to the ground) and that it is no big deal. The little round bottom tray only contained a sample sachet of lube and the instruction manual… so nothing vital (whew). The little bottom tray also doesn’t appear to fit back onto the main body of the toy once the plastic has been peeled off either… so I guess it is the appendix of the Flip Zero, possibly useful… but ultimately unnecessary. So, if you are reading this review because you got yourself a Flip Zero and instantly broke it and googled “broken Tenga Flip Zero bottom” in a panic… I am here to tell you, don’t worry about it… you didn’t break it.

I’ve got to say, I found the Tenga Flip Zero much more confusing than any other Tenga product that I have owned to date. There seemed to be way too many steps involved in just getting the toy ready to use. My Stunt Cock however managed to figure it out with almost no problems… so he is clearly the Tenga expert at this point… I just write the pretty words. To use the Flip Zero, first you need to slide the side arms up and off the body of the Flip Zero, doing this will allow you access to the inner chamber of the toy. From here you can pop it open, lube up the insides and entrance, snap it closed and slide the arms back on and you are ready to rock and roll. It really sounds super simple when I type it out… but man did I struggle with it when it was in my hands… but maybe its just me… I have notorious butterfingers.  At first I was all “baaaaah! Why does this open up! This is so confusing! I hate it!” But the more I thought about it and played around with it… the neater that feature became. So like, in a more contained stroker (like the Fleshlight for example) it is harder to lube up the whole chamber… you can drizzle lube down the opening and hope it makes it all the way down the chamber (usually we have issues with it pooling around the opening and end up with a splashy lube mess as Stunt Cock thrusts)… and then when it comes time to clean it… well, its just a cross your fingers and hope you cleaned it all out… but with the Tenga Flip Zero, you can open up the toy and get lube everywhere you want it and more importantly you can spread it wide open when it comes time to clean it and really do some precision work, getting everything scrubbed out of all those nooks and crannies (it is a heavily textured toy, so there are a LOT of nooks and crannies). It’s really an excellent feature… even if it was confusing at first.

As soon as he inserted his penis, my Stunt Cock had some complaints. He thought that the plastic case was very restrictive and that it had some sharp plastic edges that really dug into his hand as he held onto it. When I held the Flip Zero, I didn’t really experience what he was talking about though, but I do see the edges on the toy that are bothering him… so his complaint is definitely valid. But maybe we have a different way of gripping it or maybe because my hands are smaller, I’m not bumping up into those sharp edges? Whatever the reason for his experiencing it and me not… its something worth being aware of, because it could happen to you. He said it wasn’t anything so terrible that he would stop using the toy in mid masturbation though… it wasn’t painful, just… rather bothersome but something that could be overlooked as he got into the swing of it all.

The texture inside the Flip Zero is absolutely wild. There is so much going on inside that inner chamber that I am not even sure how to begin to describe it. It looks like the inner workings of some kind of space ship… (I’ve been binge watching The Expanse… so I’m only going to make space references for the next week). Tenga gave the various textures names such as “Ripple Dome” (WELCOME TO THE RIPPLE DOME!!), “Triple Chain Gate” (Can you make it past the TRIPLE CHAIN GATE?!), “Layered Ridge Wall” and “Rippled End Orb” (those two names are less exciting…). The opening to all this madness is just a little hole… completely genderless, which I think makes the Tenga products super appealing… you don’t have to chose between disembodied lips, pussies, or anuses… instead you can insert your penis into a completely genderless hole (I’m not knocking Fleshlight’s orifices… I think they are neat… but not everyone wants body parts every time they masturbate and its nice to have other options). My Stunt Cock expressed a lot of delight as far as the texture went, he said it was “quite a ride” as he pushed his penis past the RIPPLE DOME (I can’t not yell that now… ) and said that he felt like every part of his cock was being catered to by the multitude of textures inside the Flip Zero. I don’t have my own penis, so I can neither confirm or deny the feelings experienced by the Flip Zero… but as someone who is always seeking out sensory/tactile experiences with my hands, I really enjoy thrusting my fingers inside.

The suction is a neat feature of the Flip Zero that we didn’t figure out until our second testing of the toy. I guess Stunt Cock was so busy with the texture and overcoming the uncomfortable grip that he didn’t even realize you could produce suction with this thing! To be fair, I didn’t know that either… because I don’t read instructions. So, as it turns out… if you squeeze the white pads on either side of the toy, you create suction! Learning this created a whole new experience with the Flip Zero the second time around. While the first use Stunt Cock was focused only on the textures, this time he was able to add suction and really create a unique experience (as he described it). The suction was apparently so good that he was able to just insert his penis and squeeze the pressure pads and orgasm from the suction alone, so that’s pretty cool!

Okay, remember how I said that this toy is easy to clean? I neglected to mention that it is a son of a bitch to dry. Its not that its hard to get it to dry… it just takes for-god-damn-ever for it to completely dry out. Which means every time we use it, I end up with a splayed open Tenga Flip Zero on either my bathroom counter or bedroom dresser for what feels like days. Like, for real… I honestly think it took three days for this toy to reach bone-dry status… water clings in those crevices like you wouldn’t believe! And unfortunately,  because of the porous materials it is made from you need to make sure it is totally dry before you close it back up and put it in storage mode, otherwise bacteria and mold can take hold and ruin your masturbator. Because of this, you need to keep an eye out for any discoloration, weird smells, rips, tears, or any other damage to the toy and discard if you see anything. We have owned many Tenga toys for years now and have yet to have any issues, so as long as you take good care of them and dry them out… you should be okay. Also… because its porous… maybe don’t share it around with your buddies. This is your Tenga Masturbator, there are many like it, but this one is yours.

When I asked Stunt Cock if he would recommend the Tenga Flip Zero to others he was a bit hesitant. He really does not like the grip and says it has sharp plastic edges that really dug into his hand. But he also really enjoyed both the texture and the suction of the toy. So I think he is on the fence with this one. We both really like Tenga and they produce quality products, so I honestly don’t think you can go totally wrong purchasing the Flip Zero… I think it is a good toy, the texture on the inside is totally cool, the toy as a whole is pretty aesthetically pleasing, it is completely genderless, and I think our overall experience with this masturbator was a positive one. Its just Stunt Cock’s complaint about the grip that keeps me from screaming “JUST BUY IT ALREADY” at you… because I don’t want anyone to injure themselves while masturbating. So I guess… take this information and do what you will, I think if you do buy the Tenga Flip Zero you will probably enjoy it… and if you find that it does cut into your hands… maybe wear protective gloves… or invest in bionic robot hands? Or if you like a little pain with your masturbation… then maybe this toy is exactly what you are looking for! Okay, okay… Stunt Cock wants me to clarify… he wouldn’t describe it as “painful”… just more of an irksome annoyance in what is otherwise a fantastic toy.

Ready to try out the Tenga Flip Zero for yourself? Pick one up at SheVibe, Lovehoney, or Stockroom!

The Tenga Flip Zero a prize in a contest hosted by Tenga and won by Kitten Boheme.

You know what folks, I’ve had it. I’ve abso-bloody-lutely had it with winter. Here in Minnesota we have yo-yoed from -50 degrees with the windchill to a pleasant 35 degrees… all within the same week. It’s becoming ridiculous! Also… don’t even get me started on the snow! We are expecting another five days of snow this week with who knows how many inches… we literally have no where else to put snow… we are out of room… sorry, but Minnesota is now closed! So… with this in mind, I’ve decided it is time to just think spring. I will will the warm weather into being with my thoughts. IT WILL BE SPRING GOD DAMMIT!

But I can’t do this alone… I am going to need your help to think spring into existence. Now I know you time is valuable and you’ve totally got a lot of other things on your mind… that is why I am bribing you with the chance to win fabulous prizes in exchange for your brain power! Trust me… it’s easy… all I need you to do is think warm thoughts and enter the contest below!

WIN ONE OF FIVE PRIZES:

• Touch Lube Warmer by Warm 
• Uberrime Golden Vivo
• Uberrime Electric Blue and Green Spiro
• Uberrime Black Amo
• Zumio

As you can see, I have collected a fabulous assortment of prizes for you to win! Choose one of the following prizes and enter to win to win below!

FOLLOW THE RULES:

• This contest will run from March 1, 2019 to March 30,  2019.
• The Zumio is open World Wide! You must live in an area where sex toys are legal to import! KittenBoheme.com is not responsible for any custom fees or other fines.
• The Touch Lube Warmer and Uberrime Dildos are US ONLY!
• You must be 18 years or older to enter.
• By entering the Think Spring Giveaway you are consenting to receive infrequent email from Kitten Boheme and KittenBoheme.com.
• Absolutely NO giveaway accounts. I check EVERY Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram account you enter with! If you only share giveaway posts, your entries will be void.
• One winner per prize will be randomly selected and contacted by me via email within seven days of the contest ending. The winner then has 48 hours to reply to me with their address otherwise another winner will be drawn. The winner agrees to provide me with their name, email, phone number and shipping address. On conclusion of the giveaway, Uberrime and Warm will ship directly to the winner, the Zumio will be shipped from Kitten Boheme.

Kitten Boheme’s Think Spring Giveaway

Why oh why do I keep doing this to myself? I want to love the Iroha toys so badly…they are so beautiful and the silicone is like masturbating with a heavenly marshmallow sent to earth by the Gods themselves… but no matter how hard I try to force myself into being in love with Iroha toys… they always end up being a disappointment. Nearly every toy from Iroha ends up being too weak for me to get any real enjoyment out of them… and this bothers me to no end… because… like I said… damn these toys are lovely.

So then, why on earth when SheVibe asked me what I wanted to review next did I quickly (almost too quickly… zero thought was put into this on my end) volunteer to take home the Iroha Rin? I think part of me is just really holding out hope that one day I’ll find another toy in their collection that I like as much as I did the Kushi (which is the only Iroha toy I’ve truly loved thus far). But, as hopeful as I was that the Iroha Rin would somehow be magically more powerful than my previous Iroha toys, it just wasn’t in the cards. It has that same pillowy soft mild vibration that I’ve come to expect from an Iroha toy. It’s not bad… it’s just not quite enough (for me at least).

Even though I continue to complain about how the Iroha toys don’t work for me… I enjoy owning them. I really enjoy the playful and out of the box designs of the Iroha toys, from the adorable little candy drop looking Mini to the traditional tea whisk design of the Zen. The designs are usually sleek, clean, with a bit of modern elegance to them. Honestly, the Iroha never fails to appease me visually… and if my eyeballs could have orgasms, Iroha toys would definitely be giving me plenty of eyeball orgasms. And the colors… geez… don’t even gertme started on those! Too late… now I’m getting started on those… the color choices are always so super fantastic and unexpected for a sex toy! There is no basic pink or boring flesh tones with terrible food names to be found in this collection. Instead you’ll find playful yellows, salmons, muted greens and soft off-whites, all with great names like “Fuji-Lemon” or “Matcha.”

Aesthetically, the Iroha toys are a feast for the eyes and the Rin is no different. I thought that its design was perhaps a nod to the Japanese Kokeshi Doll, with its similarly simple trunk and ball like head. But I have since read that the origin of the Rin might be even cooler than that! In what seems to be classic iroha style, the Rin’s inspiration is subtle, feminine, and steeped in Japanese culture and history. While the Iroha Zen was inspired by the Chasen bamboo tea whisk and the Iroha Sakura takes its shape from the cherry blossom petal, the Rin has probably the coolest inspiration of them all… Kanzashi.  What is Kanzashi? I’m glad you asked! This is something new I learned and I think it is pretty darn neat… so, Kanzashi comes from the believe that a single thin rod or stick had protective properties and had the ability to ward off evil spirits, eventually these Kanzashi began to be worn in the hair (because who doesn’t like a hands free mode of protection from evil?) and if you’ve ever seen images of Geisha or a bride in traditional Japanese garments you have likely seen these Kanzashi in their elaborate hairstyles (also, apparently a Kanzashi could also be used for actual physical protection… like pull it out of your hair and literally stab someone with it…. much like a Victorian hat pin). Okay, so we know that the Kanzashi has become a catchall term for Japanese hair ornaments… what does this have to do with the Iroha Rin? There is a type of Kanzashi called Tama which is a straight stick with a simple decorative bead at one end… this… THIS… is the inspiration for the shape of the Rin! Super fascinating! I got really lost in a rabbit hole of reading on the subject… learned all kinds of cool things today. The inspiration for the Rin’s shape isn’t the only cool part of the Rin either… its name is also pretty badass. The word “rin” is used to describe a kind of solid, bracing, deep-set inner strength; intelligence, wisdom, grace, elegance and dignity. Knowing all of this about my humble little vibrator makes me really love the whole concept of this toy… this is a fucking badass toy…

I certainly can’t deny that the Rin is an interesting toy with an interesting concept to it. Created with the tag line “just as our bodies are different, so are our senses of pleasure.” As I understand it, the Rin is meant for people to explore their bodies and discover sensations they find most pleasing, using the toy not just externally but internally as well. For me, this toy is mostly a dud when used externally. The head of the Rin is made of an absolutely dreamy ball of the softest silicone you have ever felt in your life… which while is very pleasing to my fingers (egads, how I love to squish the ball between my fingers), doesn’t work so well against my clit. I feel like vibrations really get damped by the marshmallowy head. But, if I was wanting a mild vibrator (that was mild because it seems meant to be mild, not because its cheap and shitty) then I would probably absolutely adore the Rin. Used externally, the Rin produced zero orgasm for me… I never even got close. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it… because I know that Iroha toys don’t work for me, I wasn’t expecting an orgasm, so instead I just kind of enjoyed the gentle vibrations and spent a lot of time just running it around my vulva, my inner thighs, around my nipples… just taking the time to enjoy the exploration of it all (which does seem to be what is being encouraged with the Rin).

Okay, but what about internally? Well… I’ll tell you… I felt a little weird about inserting this toy at first… I’m just not used to inserting my Iroha toys… they have all just been pretty little external vibrators. But I was pleasantly surprised by it once inserted. Somehow, I feel like the vibrations do better internally… like… they magically became more rumbly inside my vagina (it is possible that my vagina is full of evil spirits and this is the Rin fulfilling its purpose). It wasn’t anything knock-out amazing and I never actually orgasmed from it internally either, but I did enjoy pushing and pulling the Rin in and out… feeling its marshmallowy ball push against my vaginal walls, giving me squishy little silicone hugs with each thrust. Size-wise, it has a total length of 5.82 inches with 4.5 of that being insertable length, while the diameter measures in at 1.37 inches. There really didn’t seem to be anything “hardcore” about this toy, everything felt so… sweet… subtle… mild… it was really more of an experience I had to tune in to and really pay attention to each sensation… rather than when I used my heavy duty vibrators… where all I want to do is turn off my brain and orgasm by sheer force. So, while I could never use the Iroha Rin as my “main attraction” it does a great job as a little warm up toy for when I want to take things slow and easy.

The Iroha Rin is unfortunately battery powered. I would have LOVED to have seen this toy be rechargeable… I really feel like it could have harnessed a bit more power that way… maybe turning it into something I could actually truly love… but as it is, the Rin is powered by a pair of AAA batteries. When I first unpacked my Rin I was practically livid over the battery situation… first off… I hated that it was battery powered… and second… I hated that I had to go find mutha-fuckin’ batteries. AA batteries I can find… almost everything in my house that needs batteries has a pair of AA inside of them… but AAA that is a horse of a different color. After a good 15 minute search, I did finally locate a pair of AAA in my foot pumice stone skin grinder thingy. Now… after all that… imagine how pissed I was when I sat back down and discovered that there were two AAA batteries taped to the bottom of the Rin’s inner packaging (these are only tester batteries though, they are pretty short lived). BATTERIES MAKE ME SO ANGRY. Inserting the batteries is at least easier than finding the batteries. The bottom of the toy (the colored cap at the end) unscrews, revealing a chamber for the batteries to slide on in too. If you look REALLY close there is a tiny little picture depicting which way the batteries go in… or you can be like me and just try every combination of battery positioning until you get it right. Once batteries are in just screw the cap back on and you are good to go.

Operating the Rin is beyond easy. At the very base of the toy (the underside) you’ll see a pretty little flower design… that is the button… the only button… this is a one button operation my friends. Press and hold that button for a couple of seconds and the Rin will power on up. Continuing to press the button will cycle the Rin through its four vibration modes. It has three (low, medium, high) steady vibration settings and one rhythmic pulsing pattern setting. I personally only ever used it on high (and it wasn’t high enough) as the other modes were just beyond frustrating to me (like seriously… I think my iPhone has stronger vibrations when it rings than the Rin does when set on low). You have probably already figured this out by now… but press and hold the button down again when you are ready to power the Rin back down. Easy.

The Iroha Rin is waterproof which means you can use it in the shower and it also makes it pretty easy to clean! Although I have noticed I’ve got to pay special attention to the little crease between the body and the head as good does seem to like to collect in their. Also, the Rin is covered in some kind of anti-dust magic that keeps it looking pretty pristine at all times (unlike some of my other silicone toys which could pull double duty as a lint roller… Dr. Manhattan… I’m looking at you… ).

My particular Rin is the Kogané model, which is a very pale (like super pale… like so pale I thought it was white until I got a good look at it in the light) pink body with a sort of goldenrod colored base. If deep yellow isn’t really your thing, the Rin is also available in Akané, which has a more off-white body color and a deeper red colored base. Both are equally lovely in my opinion. Both toys obviously function in the exact same way, so just pick whichever color speaks to you!

So, the Iroha Rin is slightly better than expected but not nearly as good as I think it could be. This delicate little vibrator isn’t going to win over many friends from the power-house set, but if you are a person who enjoys mild, tame, and delicate… you have found yourself a wonderful toy in the Rin. If I accept the fact that the Rin will not provide me with any orgasms and just concentrate on it solely on it being a “sensation” toy… I get along with the Rin alright, the squishy ball is a dream… I enjoy running it around my body… the vibrations are nice (but nice doesn’t cut it when it comes to my orgasms)… and I don’t mind using it to sooth, tickle, or tease. The Rin really does seem to force the user to take a more subtle, exploratory approach when using it (or at least that is how it felt to me) which can really feel empowering, it is good to slow down and really key into what your body likes… sadly, what my body likes is not this thing. The Rin isn’t a bad toy, and I can definitely recommend it to someone who knows they like a more diffused, mild vibration. In the end, I love the idea of the Rin… but in practice… I’m much less enthused about it.

Want to give this adorable vibrator with the badass origin story a try? You can find the Iroha Rin (in both colors) at SheVibe!

The Iroha Rin was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.

Go home Emojibator, you’re drunk! What on earth was going through your head when you decided to turn a chicken into a sex toy? I mean… don’t get me wrong…I love you for it… but… DEAR GOD WHY?!

I really would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the planning meeting that produced the Emojibator Chickie. I can see everyone sitting around their meeting room table… brainstorming… “You know what’s hot?!” someone undoubtedly yelled out…”Suction based toys!” Everyone obviously cheered in agreement to this. “YES!” said the boss “What else?!” Everyone continued to ponder this… then someone chimed in with “Butts! Everyone loves a good butt!” Again, the room erupted in cheers at this suggestion… because it’s true, everyone does love butts. “Yes! Give me more! What else do people love!” Screamed the boss in sheer delight. “Chickens!” There was a moment of confused silence… “Well… yes… I suppose thats true…” Agrees the boss tentatively. “Chickens with huge asses.” “Umm… okay?” “I’m talking just a big ol’ badonkadonk.” The boss just stares at this person. “Right, any other ideas?” “YOU RIP THE CHICKEN’S HEAD OFF TO GET TO THE SUCTION.” “What? No, that’s not–” “AND CONTROL IT WITH ITS FEET!” No doubt, this is where the whole planning meeting just fell apart. It was complete anarchy at this point. And the person in charge of this meeting just threw up their hands and said “Fine, do whatever the fuck you want, I’m going home.”

Don’t get me wrong… I fuckin’ love this terrible idea of a toy… but not because it’s a good toy. In fact… it is a horrible toy that no one should ever use on their genitals ever. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t own one… because… well… IT’S A FUCKING CHICKEN! There is just something about this goofy eyed birb that really speaks to me… the way it’s eyes seem to point in two different directions… and yet follow me at all times. If I were to pick one sex toy that I think is undoubtedly haunted… it would be the Emojibator Chickie… there is no way that there is not some kind of demonic spirit living inside this ill-conceived birb. I’m pretty sure that this chicken shaped sex toy will show up in the next Conjuring movie.

Having reviewed nearly every Womanizer and Satisfyer under the sun (although as I typed that, I am sure both companies have released at least twelve new suction based products) I am no stranger to the idea of clitoral suction. In fact, I have even really enjoy the whole clitoral suction fad (with a few exceptions). So, I was actually pretty darn excited to hear that Emojibator (creators of the Eggplant and Chili Pepper vibrators… two other sex toys you probably don’t actually need… but absolutely must buy because… well… they are an eggplant and chili pepper… who doesn’t need that in there life?) was getting in on the suction based toy craze with their Emojibator Chickie.

Okay, I think I need to actually clarify something… while I habitually classify both the Womanizer and the Satisfyer as being suction based toys…it seems a bit more complicated than that. The Womanizer and Satisfyer operate via “pressure wave” or is it “air pulse” or maybe they’re calling it “pleasure wave” technology… whatever name they are going with these days… which means they pulse the air in the chamber, which gives the toy a kind of push and pull feeling… mimicking the actual feeling of someone sucking on your clit. The Emojibator Chickie however is just straight up one-way suction, making it much less refined than some of its more luxury counterparts (and also… this is a chicken with a huge butt… so… refinement went out the window a long time ago…) and just kind of feels like a great big practical joke that someone maybe took a little too far.

Operating the Emojibator Chickie took me some time to sort out (because who has time for instruction manuals… NOT THIS GAL), but I did eventually figure it out. So, if you flip the Chickie over the control buttons are located on its feet. Yes, on its feet. One foot is in charge of the on/off plus vibrations while the other foot controls the suction. If you look closely at the feet buttons you can see that one has that seemingly international sign for “power” on it… you know the little half circle thing with a line in it… press and hold that foot for a couple of seconds and the toy will turn on. continuing to click will cycle you through the Chickie’s eight different vibration modes. All the vibration modes are crap. I have nothing good to say about any of it. Press and hold that foot again when you want to turn it off. Now the other foot, who’s button is just a circle, is how you operate the toys suction function. The Chickie has eight different suction modes… and much like the vibrations… they are also all crap.  There is also apparently an app you can download for this toy… I didn’t even bother trying it…you are on your own on that one… but if you do download it, please let me know how it goes.

Charging the Chickie is easy. There is a little port on the side of its body (its marked with a circle and the letters “DC”), just shove the probe looking end of the charging cable into that hole (don’t worry, you won’t hurt it…) and plug the other end into a USB port. There is a little light that flashes while it is charging and it will stop flashing when it is fully charged. It claims that it will get about 40 minutes of run time on its highest speed and about 50 minutes on its lowest speed. I will probably never know… because I can’t imagine using this toy for that long or that many times… so, I’ll just take Emojibator’s word on this.

Gosh, I really wish I had something good to say about the functionality of the Chickie… I really do… I would love to be able to tell you that this stupid looking bird is amazing in bed… but its not… oh my God it’s really not. I found that the Emojibator Chickie did one of two things for me… either I felt absolutely nothing… or it made my clit bleed… these are the only two outcomes I have managed to achieve with this toy. Positioning this toy seemed nearly impossible about 95% of the time I couldn’t figure out how to get a good seal with the Chickie’s neck hole. I tried all the tips and tricks I’ve learned when using the Satisfyer/Womanizer toys, I tried a bit of lube, I pulled the skin back, nothing… I couldn’t get the Chickie to seal. When I finally did manage to achieve a good seal the suction was UNBEARABLE… because of the one-way suction it just pulled at my clit… pulled… and pulled… and it was terrible and I couldn’t even stand to wait to see if this toy could bring me to orgasm… I ripped it off as gently as I could but the damn chicken made my clit bleed! THAT SONUVABITCH!

As a sex toy, the Emojibator gets a great big NO from me. But… if you are just a collector of the completely weird and they utterly inane… like I am… maybe you’ll enjoy having it around…even if just for the pure fun of decapitating it. Price-wise… I think its ridiculous… it is currently retailing for something like $89… when I look at the Emojibator Chickie, I do not see a toy that is worth eighty-nine bucks staring back at me… no way… I would pay $25 max for this thing. And just to give you an idea the most expensive Satisfyer toy is sitting at about $69 right now… and the Satisfyer actually works and has yet to maim me in anyway! If you are looking to try suction based toys, please… just step away from the chicken… you do not want this toy… this toy is not good… this toy will make you sad… opt for one of the toys in the Satisfyer or Womanizer lines you’ll enjoy having a sex toy that doesn’t also draw blood for what I am sure is demonic blood rituals. Should you buy this to use as a sex toy. No. Should you buy this to display in your home and rip its little head off when you are feeling frustrated with life? Sure, why not!

Also, can I  just say that I would have preferred the suction to come from between its thicc butt cheeks. Like, I would have rather smashed my clit into its mighty ass cheeks while is doopy head is turned back to watch me… rather than smashing my genitals into whats left of its body after I tore its head from it.

If for SOME REASON you want to buy the Emojibator Chickie (Are you summoning spirits and need a vessel to house them in? Do you like to collect stupid things and keep them on your desk? Are you drunk and making bad decisions right now?) you can pick one up at SheVibe… but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Emojibator Chickie was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.

So, apparently today (3/18) is National Awkward Moments Day… I didn’t even know that was a thing until today… but honestly, this is my day ya’ll. My life is honestly just a long string of awkward moments with a little bit of sleep thrown in for good measure (where I of course hash over all the awkward things I did during the day). Okay, yeah… I hear you… National Awkward Moments Day is a bit of cool trivia and all,but what on Earth does that have to do with sex toys? Well… why don’t you just sit right on down and let ol’ Kitten here tell you a story.

Once upon a time I was a young, naive, and easily embarrassed eighteen year old lass who thought she knew it all and had her shit together better than most adults (HA!). And this young, smug, and yet still very easily embarrassed lass happened to be dating the boy next door (okay, it was rural Minnesota so “next door” really means someone who lives within at 20 mile radius at the very least)… and this boy next door was going to Arizona for Christmas instead of spending it with me, but before he left he dropped a gift off at my house with a note that read “open alone!” Gosh, I wish I had taken that note seriously… but, like the big sappy dope I was… I wanted my whole family to see what a super thoughtful and amazing dude my boyfriend was so I decided to disregard that note and open my gift while sitting around the Christmas three with MY WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY. Let’s just picture that for a moment… so there was me sitting in the middle of my sisters, brother, parents and yes… grandparents… everyone was there that year… God, I am mortified just thinking about this… this is a story I have buried deep down inside… I hope you appreciate that I am dredging this terribly awkward moment in my past just to entertain you on this most sacred of holidays… National Awkward Moments Day.

Okay, so there I am with the whole family and everyone is unwrapping the last of their gifts and things are starting to wind down… so I see this is my chance to get all eyes on me! “I’ve got one more gift!” I stupidly announce. “My boyfriend left it for me before he went to Arizona, isn’t he so thoughtful!” I ripped open the green and white paper and was INSTANTLY HORRIFIED… my stupid ass brain thought for sure it was going to be jewelry… or chocolate… or at the very least some kind of terrible 90’s music cd mix he made for me… but no… it was a FUCKING BULLET VIBRATOR! My Grandma was all “hold it up dear so we can all see!” AVERT YOUR EYES GRANDMA, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU! I am pretty sure I turned an incredibly deep shade of red and no doubt I was sweating like a sinner in church as I clutched that half unwrapped vibrator… I quickly excused myself and bolted for the garage ( I don’t know why… it was the only room I could think of at the time). I was so embarrassed… I ended up just burying the vibe deep down in the trash can in the garage and tried never to think about that moment again.

These days, receiving a sex toy most likely wouldn’t phase me in the slightest… you could hand me a double ended dong in the middle of a group of nuns and I would probably be able to roll with it (or at least fake confidence until I got home and collapsed in a puddle of fierce anxiety and rehashed that moment over and over and over until the whole situation is warped into something beyond recognition…).

I really wish I could remember what kind of bullet he had bought, we never spoke about it… I was just too mortified about the whole thing to ever talk about it and he never brought it up and then not long after that we broke up. But now I would like to know if my then boyfriend had good taste in vibes or if it was just some kind of shitty bullet he picked up at a Spender’s Gifts… or worse… the weird local truck stop that also inexplicably carries a wide variety of shitty sex toys. Even though I’ll probably never know what that awkward Christmas bullet was… I do have the good fortune of being able to open up plenty of other boxes filled with sex toys (and I don’t even have to wait for Christmas) like the one I recently received from Peepshow Toys which contained a most excellent selection o toys including the Blush Novelties Gaia Eco Bullet!

I’ve been super various about this vibe for a little while now. Mostly I wanted to know how the “eco” part worked… I of course had visions of the scratchy eco-friendly, recycled toilet paper my Mom buys and imagined this bullet to have the same terrible cardboardy  texture… because I guess that’s what “eco” has come to mean to me. I am happy to report that the Gaia Eco Bullet does not have a scratchy toilet paper texture to it, in fact, it’s got a wonderfully smooth, polished plastic feel to it. Blush calls this material BioFeel… which is a starch-based bioplastic… which is a polymer compound material mixed with corn starch… which basically just feels like normal plastic. Reading that it was made from corn starch immediately made me worry that this bullet would be something single use (I had visions of leaving it in my wet vagina too long and having it begin to degrade right then and there) or that it would be super delicate… as if it was made of just wet corn starch someone molded and let dry… and if you touched it… it would just crumble… none of this is true, as it turns out, it is just as tough as any other bullet vibe and even though it may sound all weird and hippy-dippy, it’s just as nonporous and nontoxic as ABS plastic. But unlike your typical ABS plastic vibe, the Gaia BioFeel material is recyclable (in select facilities) and biodegradable (in commercial compost). Blush also says that the production of this vibrator produces fewer greenhouse gasses than your average toy. A really interesting material concept and something that I hope more companies (both sex toy and mainstream manufacturers) experiment with, this climate crisis is no joke and our deep dependence on plastics aren’t helping! Okay, sure… you still need to take this vibe to a special facility and can’t just toss it into your own household composting or recycle bin… and sure, not everyone who owns the Gaia Eco Bullet will dispose of it properly… but it is at least a step in the right direction. We need a good push in the direction of sustainable plastics and need to start new conversations around the whole concept of recycling (its more than just your pop cans…). Honestly, the Gaia Eco Bullet is worth buying just to support this step towards sustainability… if sex toys can be crafted of an eco friendly material… there is no reason other products can’t follow!

Alright, I’m stepping down from my eco-warrior soap box (I grew up with Captain Planet… you can’t blame me). But there is something else we need to talk about before we go any further with this bullet review… let’s talk about price. How much do you imagine this little eco-friendly bullet costs? Surely that fancy-pants BioFeel material drives up the price? You’re thinking, “sure, it feels good to save the planet… but I don’t want to empty my wallet over it… not for a bullet vibe.” So, what are you thinking? Twenty dollars? Twenty-Five dollars? Maybe even upwards of thirty or beyond? If you guessed any of those you would be WRONG! Much to my great surprise, the Blush Novelties Gaia Eco Bullet is currently priced at a very easy on the wallet $7! Yeah… you heard me right… SEVEN DOLLARS! This is as budget as a budget vibe can get! Any cheaper and Blush would just be paying you to use it. Hot damn, I love when I find a good budget toy…

Again, I hear what your saying… “So what, it’s cheap… but does it work?” Well, in a word… YES! I honestly didn’t think I wouldn’t be this blown away by a $ bullet vibe. Maybe it’s because I set my expectations so low… but I really did end up being super impressed by this toy! It was much more powerful than I was expecting and what’s even better… it was much rumblier than expected! My general experience with cheap vibrators is that the vibrations are very weak and mostly comprised of surface level buzz that never really does anything for me… and this is kind of what I was expecting out of the Gaia Eco Bullet… but it’s strong. I mean, it’s not like Tango strong…  but for a seven dollar battery powered vibrator… it is pretty damn great! Honestly, I orgasmed easier with this $7 bullet then I did with some of my more pricey vibes (I’m looking specifically at you Iroha vibrators…)… although, it wasn’t quite the overpowering wave of OMG YES that I get from something with a lot more oomph to it (e.g. Doxy or Hitachi)… but for a bullet vibe, it’s great.

Operating the Gaia Eco Bullet is as easy as any other single button bullet vibe. Just give the button at the very bottom of the bullet a click and it starts right up then when you are finished just give it another click and off it goes. Something else I find kind of wild about the Gaia Eco Bullet is that it is single speed… and its single speed is actually a speed I enjoyed! Usually with a single speed toy the speed is set to something ridiculously unsatisfying for me. I am the kind of person who always pumps their vibes up to their top end settings, I’m rarely a bottom setting gal… so… it is pretty exception for a single speed toy to have a setting I like… I mean, that isn’t to say I wouldn’t love to feel it go higher… faster… rumblier… but since I have to work with what I got… what I got isn’t a terrible place to start!

The Blush Novelties Gaia Eco Bullet is powered by a single AAA battery (which also makes the vibrations it does have feel impressive… battery toys are often a let down, although more and more I’m finding good ones… so maybe this is something that is getting better over time) which is not included. I had to rob my Iroha Rin of one of batteries it came with. I have a whole freaking box of AA’s that I’ve found… but of course now that I have AA batteries up the wazoo, I’ll only ever need AAA… because such is life.

Color-wise, I’m a fan. I am particularly fond of my particular Eco Bullet, the color is official called “Aqua” but it really looks like a pretty robins egg blue to me, complete with the speckles one would find on a robins egg. The colors really seem pretty nature inspired to me (which would make since…if the theme of this toy is “eco”), besides the Aqua (featured in this review) the Gaia Eco Bullet also comes in a Coral (which looks more pink than coral to me… but it could also be my computer screen… its having issues displaying colors correctly… I think its time to upgrade to something more modern) and Green.

Another thing I really like about the Gaia Eco Bullet is that I think it will travel well. I think this is one of those vibrators that is perfect for tossing into a suitcase, purse, or overnight bag and not having to worry about it until you are ready to use it. Just pop the battery out and you won’t be worrying about any accidental turn ons (although, if you do live dangerously and leave the battery in while traveling, you may have your own story to share for National Awkward Moments Day next year…). Also, if you accidentally loose it… give it away to a one night stand you meet in some far away city… or break it… you aren’t out all that much money (also, I’ve done each and every one of those things with sex toys I’ve traveled with… some toys much more expensive than this… it hurts to loose a $100+ toy). Currently Peepshow Toys is carrying it for $7, but I have seen it listed for $8 and $9 in some places… but no matter where you buy it… it doesn’t seem like you will be out any more than $10 if you have an oopsie with it.

I think I can honestly recommend the Blush Novelties Gaia Eco Bullet as an excellent vibrator for anyone who is looking for a vibrator but needs to keep it under $30. The single speed vibration is reasonably strong and pretty rumbley for a battery powered vibe. As excited as I am about the vibrations from this humble bullet, I don’t want to oversell it… don’t think you have found an under $10 vibrator equal to something like FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet  but for what it is (a single speed, battery powered bullet) and how much it is, color me impressed.

Interested in trying the Blush Novelties Gaia Eco Bullet out for yourself? Pick one up at Peepshow Toys! Also… how would you like to make an already cheap toy even cheaper?! Use the code KITTEN at checkout to score a sweet 10% off!

The Blush Novelties Gaia Eco Bullet was provided to me free of charge by Peepshow Toys in exchange for my honest review.

I think it’s time I just admit it… I have become obsessed with all things Uberrime. I mean, never mind that the owner and sole dildo maestro of the operation is super awesome… he could be a complete dick and I would still have to admit (although maybe a bit more grudgingly) to loving his toys. Thankfully, he is not a dick at all and I can feel good about screaming this at the top of my lungs: I LOVE MY UBERRIME DILDOS! And just in case you have been living under a rock these last couple of months and have completely missed all of my Uberrime reviews… here is everything I have written to date and in chronological order! I started with the Night King (part of my Spooky Month Countdown) a pretty sweet Game of Thrones themed dildo, which then lead me to the Calaveras which was also part of Spooky Month (it has skulls for balls, its pretty badass), then came the Dr. Manhattan and finally I reviewed the Jellyfish 2.0 just a few weeks ago.  So as you can see, I’ve had a pretty good run of excellent Uberrime dildos. Today’s dildo doesn’t have skulls for balls… in fact it doesn’t have any balls at all, and it doesn’t tie into any fandom of any sort, and isn’t any kind of sea creature or other novelty shape… nope… the Uberrime Splendid is just a super functional, kind of vaguely penis shaped toy… and yet it is still amazing… in fact, this might be my most favorite Uberrime toy yet!

I was super-duper pleased when I received my Splendid and realized that it was one of them squish-tastic dual-density dildos! Meaning this toy has a soft exterior of squishy silicone around a core of much firmer silicone. A lot of the dual-density toys I have use it to mimic the look and feel of a real penis (for example, look at my VixSkin Goodfella), although the Splendid is only semi-realistic (unlike that aforementioned Goodfella), what with those rather exaggerated bulging veins and non-human colors. I also feel like the size and shape of this toy is pretty much perfect, it has a total length of 6 inches with 5.5 of those inches being insertable length, making it pretty average in length. Girth-wise w are looking at an average shaft diameter of 1.6 inches reaching a maximum diameter of 1.67 inches, which again feels pretty average to me (or maybe just slightly above average) for girth. The shaft of the Splended flares out to a nice wide base, making it perfectly safe for anal use (also… it’s AMAZING for anal use) and it fits into both of my harnesses. It also has a beautiful forward curve and a prominent mushroom head which really makes it perfectly suited for both g-spot and prostate stimulation. What more does a person really need out of a dildo?! I mean… if a dildo could stimulate both the g-spot, prostate AND have time to clean my house… that would be a pretty awesome dildo… but the Splendid is pretty great as is.

In use… I could hear my vagina moaning “oh Splendid, where have you been all my life…” Like for real, no joke. The very pronounced coronal ridge hits my g-spot in just the exact perfect way for me… and those bulging veins… oh baby, they add an ample amount of texture to the whole thrusting experience (but never reached the point of feeling overwhelming). The silicone has a fair amount of drag to it… which I actually really enjoy… it helps those bulgy veins really grip and makes them feel really pronounced… and it just feels like magic. The girth also ended up being excellent for just clenching around… which is often times my preferred method of using a dildo… just insert, clench, then go hog-wild with a vibrator on my clit. Clenching around the Splendid, I could kind of dig that big head right into my g-spot and that felt pretty nice, it also feels nice and full without being too much… I don’t feel like its doing any crazy stretching… but I feel more than satisfied. Also, don’t let that large head intimidate you… even though it looks really pronounced, it is pretty soft and was easy to insert and that ridge gives a very nice POP as it pushes on in. I don’t really have anything else major to report in terms of use… the Splendid is just a really well done dildo that does all the dildoy things I want a dildo to do… no weird and wild gimmicks… just… splendid dildo goodness.

Besides just the general shape of the Splendid, I am also SUPER obsessed with its color. This toy is probably in my top five favorite colored dildos… I love it that much. The two color transition is expertly executed and looks freakin’ amazing.  My Splendid is the Pearl Pink to Pearl White, which is a strongly pink head that fades out into a lovely pearl white with still just a hint of pink around the base… I can’t imagine a dildo more lovely. The whole toy gives me very strong candy vibes (specifically cotton candy) and gives me a niggling nostalgic feeling of like… some kind of strawberries and cream flavor that I can’t quite place… but must be some kind of candy I adored in my childhood. And of course, if you are not a fan of pink in your sex toys, other colors are offered. Peepshow Toys also carries two other color splits – Amethyst Purple to Pearl White and Sapphire Blue to Pearl White. Now, should you need a toy that is just a little bit easier on the wallet, the Splendid is also available in single colors (although the price difference between a split color and a single color medium is currently only like $10, which isn’t a huge savings… but hey… money is money).

Also worth noting, at the time of receiving the Uberrime Splendid, there was only one size option for the Splendid, what you see here in this review is all there was. But in the time between receiving it and writing this review Uberrime has added some size choices (who doesn’t love having more options?!)! My Splendid, the one featured in this review, would be a Medium. So you can now go a size larger or a size smaller than this one! I would TOTALLY love to get my hands on a large… because… vagina science reason.

The toy is made from silicone (everything Uberrime currently does is silicone) so it is easy to wash, nonporous, phthalate free… all the good stuff. The silicone also has a kind of draggy matte quality to it, it doesn’t have that extreme stickiness to it that some dildos do, but it does manage to attract every piece of stray dust in my entire house. But, because its silicone it is super easy to clean… run it under some water, toss it into the dishwasher (no soap), boil it, use a 10% bleach solution on it… whatever you want… silicone is pretty rad this way. Also, because silicone… avoid silicone based lubes to avoid the possibility of damaging your toy (I’m sure you’ve heard that bit of advice about a hundred times already). Also, since we are talking silicone, I might as well toss this little fact out there… in case anyone is SUPER interesting in knowing exactly what firmness this toy is… The soft outer layer of the Splendid is made using Ecoflex Shore 0050 while the firm inner core is Dragon Skin Shore 20. Also, because the toy is hand poured, your Splendid may vary somewhat from my Splendid… no two toys are going to be exactly the same!

The Uberrime Splendid lives up to its name… it is indeed quite splendid. I can whole heartedly recommend this dildo. If you are looking for a dual density dildo but maybe want something less realistic than say the Vixen Creation VixSkin toys or you are after a nice girthy toy I think the Splendid is exactly what you are looking for. Also, a great dildo for the texture lovers out there… those veins are seriously delightful. It also worked out very well for my in my harnesses, the flat chunky base sat really comfortably in the harness for me and the toy is firm enough that it didn’t buckle or behave oddly (I’ve got some floppy soft dicks that just don’t behave in a harness), so if you are looking for something to use in a harness… again, can’t recommend this one enough. What more can I possibly say…it is just all around a great dildo! Give the Splendid a try, I think you’ll like it.

The Uberrime Splendid is a Peepshow Toys exclusive, you won’t be seeing this on the shelves of any other sex shop! But don’t worry, they are excellent people and will get you a Splendid in no time flat! Also, if you use the code KITTEN at checkout, you’ll get an extra 10% off!

The Uberrime Splendid was provided to me free of charge by Uberrime in exchange for my honest review.

Much like Pokémon, the CalExotic Mini Marvels have turned into a bit of an obsession for me… I’VE GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL (I feel like I’ve been referencing Pokémon a lot in recent reviews…in my defense though, I’ve been playing a lot of Pokémon Go lately…)! I really have come to adore the brightly colored, palm-sized wonders. Right now I own the Eggciter, the Teaser, and thanks to a meet and great I had with the CalExotic folks at the ANE 2018 show, I own the CalExotic Mini Marvels Marvelous Flicker! Now I just need to get my hands on the Bunny, the Massager and the Lover and I will have the complete set (and I will have the complete set… so help me… they will be mine…!)

I really was pretty enthused about giving the Marvelous Flicker a go, I was incredibly excited to see if I would love it as much as I did the Teaser or if the Flicker would turn out to be a dud, much like the Eggciter was. I am really rooting for the Mini Marvels collection to be awesome, I think the designs are super cute, the colors are fun and the packaging is hands down some of neatest toy packaging I have encountered in all my years as a sex toy reviewer (the only toys with better packaging is the Zalo Line… I mean look at how this Baby Heart arrived)! So as I was opening up the Flicker to test it for the first time I crossed my fingers and toes for good luck and said a little prayer to the deity in charge of sex toys and hoped it would live up to the hype I was building up in my own mind.

So, the Eggciter looked a lot like an egg and the Teaser was very reminiscent of a leaf (or alien space pod)… can you guess what the Flicker reminds me of? The name of the toy should kind of provide a hint… it rhymes with sprung… come on… you’ve got this… TONGUE! when I look at the bright pink Marvelous Flicker a wet, sloppy tongue springs instantly to mind. Although no human tongue should ever be this vibrantly bright pink… unless maybe you’ve been drinking some kind wildly bright pink slushie. Historically, tongue shaped toys have done absolutely nothing for me… other than creep me the fuck out. They are usually absolutely terrible… with their weird imitation licking movements or weak vibrations… I really can’t think of a single tongue inspired vibrator that I’ve enjoyed (granted, I’ve mostly avoided them… because of a couple of terrible toys). But the Flicker… it manages to not be completely terrible. In fact… I may even go so far as to say it’s quite nice!

Operating the Flicker is no big deal. At the bulbous base of this disembodied tongue are two control buttons. Press and hold the top button (the one closest to the top of the toy) to power the Flicker on, repeat this step to turn it off again. Once turned on you use the bottom button (closest to the base) to cycle through the Flickers 10 functions. Three of those functions are a constant vibration setting in varying intensities (low, medium, and high if you will) while the other seven are all patterns. The patterns aren’t the worst, there are maybe one or two that don’t totally disgust me… but I’m not a pattern person, it’s hard for me to like them, my clit feels teased and confused if it doesn’t feel the vibrations working it’s magic constantly.

Okay, so in use it doesn’t feel at all like oral sex (not that it was at all advertised that it did, but the tongue-like shape might give you unrealistic expectations… okay, okay… it gave me unrealistic expectations…) but even still it did have a sort of tongue-like flicker to it. Like…it was the kind of fluttering a tongue might make if it could move at super hero like fast speeds. So, I guess this might be like if you were having oral sex with like the Flash or something… this is Flash’s tongue… enjoy it.

I found that I enjoyed the Marvelous Flicker in a few different ways. I either liked to slick it up with lube and drag the broad side of the tongue up and down my entire vulva area like a sloppy wet tongue. Rolling the Flicker over onto its side and resting the edge of the toy against the side of my clit allowed me to press down and enjoy the rumble of the toy deeper in my clit, this was another excellent way I enjoyed this toy. Or I liked to just tease my clit with the very tip of the Flicker, letting it flick away at my bean. In general though… I think I was the biggest fan of just pressing it flat against my clit (or up next to it) while enjoying the rumbliness of the vibrations. In theory, you could also use it for some shallow vaginal penetration, I did try this but wasn’t at all wowed or impressed by it… it was too short to hit anything useful for me and just felt like a bit of an annoyance more than anything.

The CalExotics Marvelous Flicker is rechargeable, finding the charge port is a bit like a game of hide and seek. There is a tiny little hole at the very base of the Flicker, while it may just look like a defect in the silicone… it is in fact the charge port. The charge port is a sealed hole (making this toy waterproof) so you will have to give the little probe end of your charger a good push to get it through the silicone. Once you’ve got the probe end plugged into the Flicker, just pop the USB end into the nearest USB computer port or wall adapter and you are ready to rumble (okay… you are ready to charge… THEN you’ll be ready to rumble).

So in the end I think that the CalExotics Mini Marvels Marvelous Flicker is way better than the Eggciter and possibly even just a hair better than the Teaser (although that one is a close race). I can definitely recommend the Flicker, even though I find the shape a kinda weird and almost a little repulsive after awhile (at first I was all… “HAHA it looks like a tongue, cool!” But then I over thought it and now I’m all “Ew… it looks like it was ripped out of someones mouth, gross!”). But, weird or not, the shape does seem to work well with sliding right up against my clit and delivering the vibrating goods… and the flicking sensation at the tip of the toy is also pretty fun (it doesn’t flap wildly like porno-tongue, so don’t build yourself up for anything unrealistic… like me… but it is great for those fans of the more pin-point vibration). The Flicker has some nice, strong, rumbly vibes and is priced at under $50, which is awesome. I’m always a fan of finding toys that don’t completely suck and are reasonably affordable! Do you need me to make the decision for you? I say buy it. Just do it. You’ll probably like it.

Ready to take the CalExotics Mini Marvels Marvelous Flicker for a spin? It is available at many of my favorite online retailers, including:  SheVibe, Vibrant (use code KITTEN for 10% off), Betty’s Toy Box and Lovehoney!

The CalExotics Mini Marvels Marvelous Flicker was provided to me free of charge by CalExotics in exchange for my honest review.

From the moment Zalo hit my radar, I have really enjoyed watching the products they release. They have such a gorgeously feminine aesthetic and I find all of their toys to beautifully understated and lovely. Even though the Zalo Baby Heart wasn’t exactly the perfect toy for me (it is a very gentle vibrator), I absolutely loved it because of how it looked. Since then I have been hoping for the chance to review other toys in the Zalo product line-up, so when SheVibe emailed and announced they would be carrying Zalo’s toys I was super excited! Then when they gave me the opportunity to review something from Zalo, I was all in! I ended up asking for two toys, the Zalo Queen, which I will be reviewing later and the Zalo Rosalie Rabbit Vibrator.

Part of me is kicking myself for asking for the rabbit… I know I dislike rabbit vibrators more often than not… I don’t know what possessed me to ask for this one… especially given the spectacular line up of other non-rabbit toys Zalo carries. Sometimes my eyes take control and demand things it finds pleasing to look at even when my vagina and clit are screaming in unison “NO, DON’T DO IT!” If I was thinking clearly, I would have asked for the Zalo Marie, which looks to be essentially the same as the Rosalie… only without the clitoral arm and swoopy curve. But I wasn’t thinking… and now here we are… with a rabbit vibrator. But maybe it won’t be all that bad, after all  I’ve been surprised by rabbit vibrators before… so maybe I’ll like this one too! Or maybe I won’t and I’ll just be grumpy at myself for voluntarily inflicting a rabbit vibe on myself for no reason whatsoever. WHO KNOWS?! I GUESS WE’LL SEE HOW IT GOES!

Regardless of how the Rosalie rabbit actually works, just holding the packaging makes me feel 100% more classy than I actually am. While gently stroking this beautiful box I really can imagine myself to be a doomed French royal who really doesn’t understand why they can’t all just eat cake (cake is delicious, we should all just be eating it… forget bread). Like, straight up… this box is probably the nicest thing in my house… the kind of thing I’ll put prominently in my living room so people can see what a classy bitch I really am. The Rosalie arrives in a beautiful powder blue box adorned with a beautiful floral spray and fancy gold scrolling… it is all very Versailles. The packaging is definitely something you are going to want to keep (heck, if the toy ever breaks… I’ll toss that but still keep this box), not only is it lovely to look at, it makes perfect permanent storage for the Rosalie and its accessories (and it sits inconspicuously on a shelf… well.. unless people are as smitten with this box as I am and demand to know what you keep in such a work of art… in which case you say its the shriveled heart of the last person who asked what you kept in your box and that should stop any further questions…). Lifting the lid to this box reveals the first layer to the Zalo Rosalie packaging, this layer contains the charging cable, the warranty card, handy storage bag (if you want to travel with your Zalo but don’t want to lug the entire box with you), and the instruction manual all packed neatly on the tray. Lifting this tray by its little ribbon handle will then reveal the Rosalie itself resting underneath and a luxurious foam nest.

Other than looking utterly lovely, there isn’t anything all to innovative about Rosalie’s shape. Pretty classic shaft with clitoral arm sort of set up. The head of the toy is much more bulbous than the rest of the toy and is angled with a bit of an upward sweep (hello g-spot). It has a total length of 7.9 inches with 4.33 inches of that being insertable length. Girth-wise the Rosalie is 1.2 inches at its widest insertable point. The handle of the toy is freakin’ gorgeous. It has cream colored enameled metal cap with some fancy-pantsy decorative scrolling made of 24 karat gold plating it and a long gold chain with a gold medallion (not sure that the chain and medallion are actual gold) at the end with the words “Zalo De Rosalie” written on it. IT’S SO FUCKING FANCY I CAN HARDLY HANDLE IT.

Figuring out how to charge the Rosalie took me an embarrassingly long time. As the seconds ticked by I could hear the little voice in my head nagging at me, telling me to “just look at the instruction manual!” But by the two minute mark, I was too deeply invested in figuring this situation out on my own… I would not go running to the manual… I am a strong, independent woman and I can figure out how to charge a sex toy without help damnit! After maybe about three to four minutes (I shit you not… it really did take me an EMBARRASSINGLY LONG TIME to sort this out) of continually turning this toy over and over around in my hands, I finally had an AH-HA moment and realized I could unscrew the long gold chain from the bottom of the toy… which then revealed the charge port. SEE, I told you I could do this on my own… Once I figured out WHERE to plug the cable in, the rest of the charging process was a breeze. Just take the included USB charging cable and plug the long pointy end into the bottom of the Rosalie and plug USB end into a computer or adapter and you are good to go. I had to charge my Zalo Rosalie right out of the box… which annoyed me, I like when a toy comes with a bit of charge so I can give it a quick test right away (because I have zero chill like that)… but the Rosalie was dead as a door-nail on arrival. This may have been because when it arrived from SheVibe the box sat outside in absolutely freezing temperatures for a good 12 hours and this may have zapped the batteries. I know when I sit in a negative 50 degrees with the windchill my batteries are completely zapped (or is that called hypothermia in people?). It took about an hour and change for my Rosalie to full charge (light flickers while charging and the light will remain constant when finished charging).  Also, worth noting… the Rosalie does arrive travel locked (which I checked the manual for to make sure that wasn’t my issue rather than a dead battery), so if you also have a “dead” toy right out of the packaging but yours didn’t sit in temperatures colder than the arctic, its probably just travel locked. To unlock press and hold the up and down buttons simultaneously for 3 seconds until  the light blinks on. Do this again until the light blinks off and your toy is back in travel lock position. You can also just plug the Rosalie in and this will unlock it as well (if you like to take the easy way out).

I found operating the Zalo Rosalie to be slightly confusing at first. What I would expect to be the up button was actually the down button and vice versa. But it actually does make more sense this way… the buttons are orientated as if you are operating the controls while the toy is inserted (which is probably how you are using it) so now the up button is the button closest to the handle (up and away from you) while the down button is the button closest to your body. This sounds like utter nonsense, I know… but just know that when I first held the Rosalie to mess with the buttons it was while holding it upright in my hands in front of my face, and when held this way… the buttons where not where I thought they would be. Don’t worry… it’ll make more sense when you actually have the toy in your hands, its not complicated. The other thing that confused me at first about the Rosalie was “standby mode.” So, to turn the toy on you have to click the “mode” button (the middle button) once… and this puts it in stand by, you’ll have to price this button against to activate the vibrations. Continuing to press this middle button will cycle you through a sequence of eight patterns all of which can have their intensity levels adjusted by using the up and down arrows. I really love this about the Rosalie… I hate patterns… but mostly I hate patterns because they are often times too weak and completely non-adjustable. But I definitely hate patterns much less when I can crank up the intensity of them to something closer to my liking! The vibrations themselves aren’t too bad, I’d say they are moderately strong vibrations… not as powerful as my corded behemoths (Doxy, Magic Wand, I’m looking at you…) but for a small, cordless rechargeable vibrator it’s no slouch! When I hold just the head of the toy against my clit, I was able to reach an orgasm without too much fussing and fighting with it. There is a small amount of rumble to the toy, although it was nothing real deep and penetrating (and I can feel an underlying buzz to it), but it was perfectly enjoyable!

There is also an app you can download called Zalo Remote that turns your smartphone into a bluetooth remote control. This app also gives you access to more patterns, a music mode (which I couldn’t get to work because I don’t have any music downloaded to iTunes since all I listen to is Spotify), and probably the most interesting feature, Tease Mode. Tease Mode brings up this square on the screen and when you tap the square the toy vibrates… if you run your finger from bottom to top it starts at the lowest intensity and ramps up to the highest… so you can kind of rub your phone to created new patterns on the fly. The app isn’t all that amazing… so if you aren’t someone who likes to pair their phones with their sex toys… don’t worry, you aren’t missing out on much.

Usually, when it comes to these clitoral arms they are either the wrong size/shape or they are very rigid and impossible to move into position. The Zalo Rosalie has a very flexible arm which did mean I could position the arm right on top of my clit and it did work pretty well. I wasn’t really wowed by it though… but honestly, that was to be expected… I’m not a rabbit vibe person, I really never have been (and probably never will be…). But, the fact that the arm made contact with my clit is huge… that doesn’t always happen with rabbit vibrators… so I’m kind of stoked about that! The vibrations through the clit arm were doing almost nothing for me though, while I could feel the vibrations coming through the shaft loud and clear when inserted, the clit vibes got lost. For a rabbit vibe to work for me, I need the whole thing to be POWERFUL, because having a strong shaft vibration but weak clit (or vice versa) kind of just causes me… confusion… like… my body isn’t really sure where it wants to focus its attention and neither end up feeling all to great. I know that sounds weird… but it seems to be how my body works. I can’t handle a whole lot of competing stimuli… so I need both the internal and external vibrations to be somewhat equal in strength and if I am going to orgasm from it…I need it to be strong (unless I have the ability to really thrust the internal part… than the strength of the external part matters a bit less… confusing, I know). But as far as rabbit vibes go, I don’t actually hate this one… I have definitely used much worse! I actually really like the shaft portion of the toy and I kind of wish I could just lob off that external arm and just enjoy the shaft! I love the curve, hits me in the g-spot just right. The girth also feels about right, it isn’t alarmingly big (although… sometimes I really like that in a toy) but it isn’t so small that I don’t notice its there… it feels nice, it feels just filling enough.

Overall, I am rather pleased with the Zalo Rosalie Rabbit… as far as rabbit vibrators go, this wasn’t the worst thing I’ve experienced. While it didn’t unseat the Greedy Girl or the Nova in the “my favorite rabbit” rankings… it currently sits at a comfortable number three… and that’s not shabby, considering I’m pretty harsh on most rabbit style toys! I love the aesthetics of the Zalo and think that the Rosalie would make an excellent gift (for your self or someone else) and makes the whole toy seem pretty and creates a more luxurious experience (I feel like the fucking Queen of fucking France when I pop this in my puss). The vibrator itself isn’t bad, the shaft gets the job done for me… I just wish I could feel the vibrations through the external arm a little clearer. Typically I like a high powered clit vibrations and don’t really orgasm with anything that isn’t basically a jet engine, however internally, my vagina is much more forgiving and can work with almost any level of vibration its given (so long as the shape of the toy is working for me)… so I still orgasmed with this toy and I still enjoyed it… and I think I would have been better off getting a toy without the external arm… but I’m also not mad that I gave it a try. If you are a person who enjoys rabbit vibes, I think I can recommend the Zalo Rosalie Rabbit as being a good candidate!

Are you convinced that you too need the fanciest fucking vibrator you’ve ever seen in your life? You can find the Zalo Rosalie Rabbit Vibrator (and the rest of the Versailles series) at SheVibe!

The Zalo Rosalie Rabbit Vibrator was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.

Okay, okay… you folks got me… this was an April Fools prank… but maybe there can be a Kitten Boheme signature dildo in the future… just maybe one that is a bit less… shitty…

When I started KittenBoheme.com those many years ago, I had a goal in mind… I wanted to build my brand up to the point where I could have my own line of sex toys. A line of sex toys that people could be excited about… like… really excited. I guess what blogger doesn’t have that dream? I mean… when you see a dildo being produced with your name on it… it’s kind of like “wow… I’ve really made it…”

About four or five months ago I was approached by the amazing indie toy maker Uberrime (you’ll recognize the name from such reviews as the Splendid, Dr. Manhattan, or Night King) and he wanted to know if I was up for a collaboration project. Uhh.. Does the Pope Pray?! HECK YEAH I’M UP FOR IT! So we spent several grueling months on the phone, Skype video chats, faxing designs back and forth… trying to come up with everything it meant to be Kitten Boheme. Honestly… we spent so much time on this project I’m pretty sure Marco is sick of me… I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it… but I’m extremely demanding and a huge perfectionist… I have made him re-sculpt this dildo probably half a dozen times… I’m actually surprised he is still talking to me.

Okay, so… while designing this toy I really thought long and hard about all the toys I have loved over the years… compiling a list of features my signature dildo just had to have:

• Girth. This dildo had to be girthy… you know how much I enjoy a good toy to clench around while using a vibrator on my clit.
• Texture. I am a texture FIEND. My dildos need to be a god damn experience… if my vaginal walls can’t feel every inch of the toy.. what good is it?
• Aesthetically Pleasing. Any toy with my name on it needed to be BEAUTIFUL. If a dildo is ugly… why would I want to own it?
• Versatile. This is a big one for me. A dildo needs to be able to wear many hats (so to speak… because dildo’s don’t actually wear hats… although that is a fantastic idea… I’m making mental note of that…), which means it needs to be able to hit my g-spot, be anal safe and fit in a harness!
• Mean Something. If I was going to design a dildo, I wanted it to have an important life message attached to it. I wasn’t going to produce another vapid dildo… mine was going to mean something.

So, with that list in mind and Uberrime’s careful guidance and amazing depth of knowledge in the art of crafting dildos… my signature toy was born… and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED! Even though the sculpting process isn’t yet complete… Uberrime agreed that I could finally announce our collaborative project… I feel like I need a drum roll. Quick, someone… make drum noises!

Here we go… your first sneak peek at the Kitten Boheme Signature Dildo from Uberrime….

FUCK THIS SHIT

When I dug down deep and really thought about what I wanted… I thought… “Fuck This Shit.”

The Fuck This Shit has everything, and I mean everything I want in a dildo! First of all… DAMN does this thing have some girth! When I used this anally, I thought “Dang! This does feel like I’m taking the world’s most satisfying poop!”

Which brings me to my next dildo feature… it is anal safe! You can safely put this poop right up your poop chute… it’s also harness compatible, so you can fling your poop into your BFF’s poop chute!

This toy is aesthetically pleasing! Look at that delicate swirling pattern in the head! This took MONTHS to perfect… you should see all the hand sculpted models that didn’t make the cut. Right now, we are only planning on offering the Fuck this Shit in Healthy Brown, but we have discussed adding more color options as time goes on. Maybe a limited edition green or mustard yellow!

Next… texture… I wanted texture and Uberrime really came through for me on this one! The original concept had a completely smooth shaft… but who wants that? We then tried adding in seeds, nuts, and even flecks of undigested carrot… but where we hit a real winner was CORN. That’s right… the shaft of the Fuck this Shift is covered with undigested corn for texture. It is AMAZING!

And best of all… my shit don’t stink! That’s right, the Fuck this Shit is made from 100% silicone, so there are no unpleasant odors like you get with a toxic jelly toy.

Lastly, I want every toy I create to have a message to it. Something that you can really take to heart. Sure, its just a dildo… but that doesn’t mean it can’t impart a little wisdom. When using this dildo I just wanted everyone to remember, shit happens, so fuck it.

So, please welcome, from my backdoor to yours, the Kitten Boheme Fuck this Shit… the first in what I hope to be a long line of collaboration projects with Uberrime!

Poop jokes are pretty funny, they aren’t my favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid #2

Well, it looks like I’m on a tongue shaped vibrator kick around here! Last review it was the CalExotics Mini Marvels Marvelous Flicker and today I’ve got the Blush Novelties Aria Hot Tongue… because why review just one disembodied tongue, when you can review TWO disembodied tongues?!

The Aria Hot Tongue comes from the same line up of toys as the Mi Vibe and the Buzz Bunny I reviewed last year. Essentially, these Aria toys are kits that contain one sleeve and one bullet vibrator and you can choose to use just the bullet vibe on its own or you can slid it inside the sleeve and create a whole new experience. I really enjoyed the Mi Vibe but I wasn’t so hot on the Buzz Bunny… but in both cases… the bullet vibe really shines! So, knowing that I already love the included bullet, this whole review hinged on whether or not I was going to enjoy the tongue like sleeve… SO MUCH PRESSURE!

Okay, actually… lets back up here and talk about that itty bitty little vibe again for a second. Though it be small… this little bullet is MIGHTY! I was honestly floored by what a powerhouse this tiny thing turned out to be! Its powerful, its rumbly… its just really an excellent bullet! I’ve actually ended up separating the bullet that came with the Buzz Bunny sleeve and have been using it on its own when I need a quick orgasm without the hassle of pulling out and plugging in my Doxy or similarly hefty orgasm device. The little bullet sits in an empty pill bottle in my night stand. I actually didn’t intend to keep it in a pill bottle… I just happened to have an empty pill bottle with its lid off rattling around in my night stand drawer and somehow the bottle and the bullet combined forces… and who am I to tear them apart? So not the bullet lives in the pill bottle and that is just how it is. Anyway… my point being, the bullet is small, it’s discreet, its easy to store, and its powerful… so if you decide you hate the sleeve… the bullet is still worth keeping around!

Operating the Aria Hot Tongue is super easy. There is a single button at the base of the bullet. To turn the bullet on just press and hold the button until the Hot Tongue turns on and repeat this same step to turn the vibe back off. While on, continuing to push the button will cycle you through the Hot Tongue’s 10 settings. There are five constant vibrations that increase in intensity, as it starts to hit those top end spends things do start to trend towards the buzzier side, so if you like pure rumble, you’ll want to keep it down on the lower settings. I’ve found I like the bounce between three and four the most (which is obnoxious… since it’s a one button operation I have to cycle through all the freaking patterns just to get back to three from four…). The patterns are nothing to write home about… they do nothing for me… they seem pretty damn basic and I wish I could just remove them from my toy. Just banish them off to vibration pattern hell or something.

So the Hot Tongue sleeve, as we have already covered, is tongue shaped… and I’ve gotta say, it is definitely a more attractive looking tongue than the Flicker (if disembodied tongues can be attractive). It has some sexier curves going on and what I find to be a more appealing design to it. It is also shaped in such a way that it sits beautifully against my body. Its like its giving my clit and surrounding labia a big ol’ hug. It was pretty good for kind of grinding against… although grinding isn’t generally my preferred method of masturbation, so I didn’t do a whole lot of this… but I did notice I could… so I figured its worth a quick mention. The way I ended up using the Hot Tongue the most was pushing the tongues tip down against my clit. Holy cow… the vibrations transfer through the tip in a most surprising way! I was really expecting the silicone to do a lot more to dampen the vibrations, but it really doesn’t cause the bullet to lose much of its power at all, the tip really does a good job at harnessing the vibrations and transferring it down into my clit! I was hoping that the sleeve would also dampen the buzzy nature of the upper end intensities… but it doesn’t do much for that either. It still gets buzzy as you push it into those top end modes. It isn’t a terrible buzz though, I’m able to roll with it and still some reasonably satisfying orgasms with the Hot Tongue and had a lot of fun teasing my Stunt Cock with it. The tongue shape did lend itself well to using it for foreplay, using it to “lick” my partners body… running the tip up and down the shaft of his penis, around his balls, tickle the taint… well… I think you get the idea. So, personally… even though I did enjoy the Hot Tongue, I think its less a toy I would pull out for any solo play and more of a toy I would use with a partner. Especially a partner (like my Stunt Cock) who is a little vibration shy… having the lower end rumbly vibrations and the dampening quality of the silicone made it more of a subtle and indirect experience for him.

The Blush Novelties Aria Hot Tongue is rechargeable (or more specifically, the bullet is rechargeable… the Hot Tongue is just the silicone sleeve… but who has time for semantics…) via the included magnetic charging cable. The contact points are at the base of the bullet (on either side of the control button), just pop the little cap end of the charging cable onto the base and plug the other end into a USB port of one kind or another and you are good to go! There is an indicator light to let you know that the Hot Tongue is charging properly (it will emit a white glow), when it is finished charging the light will turn off. Blush recommends charging the bullet for a full two hours before your first use (I didn’t do this… I am terrible at following directions… my toy died on me about eight minutes into masturbating…). Once my toy was fully charged, I think I got about an hour or play time out of it, give or take a few minutes.

Like I said above, I like the Blush Novelties Aria Hot Tongue, but personally I would use it more for a partner toy… something to play with as a warm up or for sensation play and teasing. It isn’t the kind of toy I would pull out when I am alone and looking to masturbate… it just doesn’t quite have the oomph to it that I’m looking for (the bullet on its own however is another story… I will use the bullet on its own). Also, the Hot Tongue should definitely get bonus points for being quiet, its a pretty discreet little thing. Prise-wise, the Hot Tongue sits solidly in that under $50 range, which means it a nice toy that is within reach for those of us with champagne tastes but still on those beer budgets. Do I recommend the Hot Tongue? You bet!

The Blush Novelties Aria Hot Tongue is available at Peepshow Toys! Be sure to use the coupon code KITTEN for 10% off your order (of this or any toy)!

The Blush Novelties Aria Hot Tongue was provided to me free of charge by Peepshow Toys in exchange for my honest review.

Coming from Satisfyer, I was REALLY expecting the Satisfyer Men to do something really cool… like have some kind of weird and wild air pulse component like all my other Satisfyer toys… or at the very least I figured it would do something mildly exciting… like vibrate… but not… it’s just another masturbation sleeve… just something to stick your dick in. There are no amazing bells and whistles… no unique gimmicks… and I am really weirdly disappointed by that. I WANTED THERE TO BE SOMETHING COOL.

After all, in my experience Satisfyer does one thing and they do it well… they make excellent suction based toys (or air pulse… or whatever the technical term they use is). Although they do seem to be branching out into more “traditional” sex toy territory lately… just the other day I got a box full (and I do mean full) of new Satisfyer vibrators… but I’ll get to those in another review… I’m getting off topic here. What I’m trying to say is… WHAT THE HECK SATISFYER?! THIS IS JUST A REGULAR SLEEVE?!?!

Okay, now that I got my initial feelings of disappointment out of the way… Even without the bells and whistles I really thought that the Satisfyer Men was going to be an excellent Masturbator. I was pretty excited to have my Stunt Cock come over to give it a try, he hears me gush about my Satisfyer Pro Travel enough, I wanted him to also have an “OMG SATISFYER” moment as well. Sadly… this didn’t seem to happen and now I’m extra bummed out about the Satisfyer Men.

Now, I can’t speak for how it feels in comparison, but I can say that the Satisfyer Men does seem more substantial than a Tenga Cup and looks far more attractive, modern, and streamlined than a Fleshlight. Now, these are really neither good nor bad things… just my observation and it really just comes down to your personal preferences on masturbation sleeve aesthetics. I also thought that the Cyberskin TPE material felt super plush and I did enjoy giving the sleeve a good finger banging… I also attempted to smash my clit against it… because… why not, and even though it did feel soft and I was able to work myself up a little bit thinking about it being a real pussy it never actually got me anywhere, so it seems without a penis, that’s really as much as I’m qualified to say about the toy.

Thankfully, my Stunt Cock is fully qualified to give me an opinion on how the Satisfyer Men feels and as of right now he has it ranked it above a Fleshlight but below the Tenga (with the exception of the Flip Zero, he said its better than that one). He seemed to have two major issues with the sleeve (or “love tunnel” as Satisfyer calls it), the first being the size (or I guess I should say girth) of the toy and also the pressure panels on toy’s casing.

The Satisfyer Men was much larger than I was expecting… probably mostly due to how dainty all of my other Satisfyer toys are… I just had the silly expectation that this toy would be equally small and dainty… but its not. There is nothing dainty about the Satisfyer Men, it is a fairly hefty toy. While I thought the recently reviewed Tenga Flip Zero looked like something straight out of an Apple Store, the Satisfyer Men looks far more sporty… like something someone who drives a Subaru with a RocketBox always attached to the roof would own. You know, like, someone who is always hauling their bike around on the back of their car… but you have never actually seen them riding it… like… yes… we get it… you are so sporty… that’s how looking at the Satisfyer Men makes me feel. The case itself measures in at 10 inches in length and is 9.5 inches around at its widest point (for comparison the standard Fleshlight also measures in at 10 inches long, so its sized much like a Fleshlight… only much more streamlined… as I said above). But the inner girth seemed to be an issue for Stunt Cock, he said the whole thing just felt too tight. I’ve always been of the opinion that his penis was of average girth, so I’m always surly when he reports back to me that a sleeve was too tight… but maybe I have a warped idea of what average is and he is actually above average (might be time to bust out a tape measurer)… or maybe his penis is just claustrophobic and doesn’t like snug fitting spaces. Either way, he wasn’t a fan in the toys size department.

The Satisfyer Men is less anatomical looking than a Fleshlight, but the opening does still suggest a vulva and the “love tunnel” is a vagina to me, so if you are looking for something completely void of anything suggesting the vulva/vagina Tenga might be the sleeve for you. Stunt Cock had no issues in this department, he thinks it’s a visually appealing toy. He agrees with my earlier observation of it looking sporty and adds that it feels pretty masculine to him.

On either side of the toy are softish silicone panels, these are supposed to build the pressure inside the toy by pumping them. According to the manual the “love tunnel” (I just can’t get over them calling it a love tunnel”) should become more narrow as you pump. Both Stunt Cock and I agreed that these panels were really hard to push… which is less than ideal. Also, pumping them didn’t seem to result in any kind of suction or pressure or narrowing or nothin’. It seemed like we had to of been doing something wrong… but we followed the instructions to the letter (well…to the picture…it shows how to operate the toy on an illustrated card) and we just could make any kind of strong suction. After Stunt Cock had his way with the toy I decided to see if I could make the suction thing work. I grabbed my trust Pleasure Works Maven and gave it a go… I managed to get it to make some kind of squeaky suction noises, but it took a lot of force and effort on those panels… and even then, it didn’t feel like it made the toy any tighter. Is our toy a dud? Are we just too dumb to create suction? Is it just a terrible design over all? I DON’T KNOW, YOU TELL ME!

Had we been able to make the suction work (or as Satisfyer calls it… “narrowing of the love tunnel) the bottom of the toy has the ability to unscrew, allowing you to release the pressure and loosen the toy back up. No amount of twisting or fiddling seemed to make any particular difference for us though. But its a neat idea… if it works…

The inner walls of the sleeve do have a bit of a ribbed texture to them. Stunt Cock said he could feel the texture but thought it felt pretty subtle. I wasn’t aware of it at the time I asked to review this particular product, but apparently there are other sleeves with various textures available for the Satisfyer Men. These come as sleeve only, so you would already need to own the Satisfyer Men (what is featured in this review). This is actually kind of nice, because you don’t need to spend a ton of money buying full case/sleeve combos if you want multiple textures on hand. At the time of this review these sleeves are only around $12 and the Satisfyer Men is around $39, so owning multiple textures doesn’t seem unreasonable and certainly wouldn’t break the bank.

Cleaning this thing sucks giant balls. I guess we’ve been spoiled by some of our latest Tenga products that just open up wide to allow for cleaning. Drying this thing sucks even more than washing it. We used ours a good 24 hours ago and it is still wet inside… I don’t know how to help it dry any faster. I’ve left both the bottom and top caps off hoping that would help speed the drying process… but no such luck… its still weirdly moist and gross inside the sleeve. Also, this thing is a PITA to put back into its case once you’ve pulled it out. I spent what felt like ages trying to coax and cram this slippery bit of Cyberskin back into its hidey-hole… in the end I just passed it back to Stunt Cock in frustration and said “here, you deal with it.” Which, to his credit he did a marvelous job at… he whipped it around wildly until sheer force drove it back into its opening… it was impressive and a bit aggressive looking. So… caring for this toy is less than idea in my book and since Stunt Cock didn’t really enjoy the toy anyway… not really worth the effort.

I am actually really sad that the Satisfyer Men didn’t blow my Stunt Cock’s mind. I really wanted this to be an amazing experience and a sleeve he would be excited to use! At this point I don’t really think I can recommend the Satisfyer Men… just with how hard it is to care for, the fact that we couldn’t get the suction feature to work, and that my Stunt Cock wasn’t at all impressed with it (he did orgasm… but the look on his face made me think it was more of a chore than something he was actually enjoying)… I think you’ll have better luck with a Tenga or the Fleshlight Quickshot. While the budget friendly price of the Satisfyer Men and its textured sleeves are attractive… the toy just seems to be a complete let down overall. I’m kind of hoping that our toy was some how just busted and that somewhere out there is a penis that is really enjoying the suction feature… which works absolutely flawlessly for them… but it was a no-go on our end. If you are looking for a masturbation sleeve, I would gently push you into another direction… I think there are some kinks to be worked out in this particular toy. Also… I’m not a huge fan of the name. Despite what it says, you do not actually have to be a man to use this masturbation toy. It is a toy for penises… so if you have something penis in nature, this stroker is made for you (but don’t buy it… you deserve something better). When I asked Stunt Cock for his closing thoughts on the Satisfyer Men he said “It’s certainly not the worst thing we’ve used… but we’ve seen better.” So there you have it… if its something you want to try, I won’t stop you (because there really are worse things out there… so in the grand scheme of things… its not all that bad)… but just know we didn’t have the greatest luck with it.

If you think I am just full of hot air and think you can make the suction feature work for you (and if you can, please drop me a comment below), you can pick up a Satisfyer Men from the wonderful folks at SheVibe!

The Satisfyer Men was provided to me free of charge by Shevibe in exchange for my honest review.

“Is…is that cock waving at me?” Those are the exact words I muttered upon seeing the Lovehoney Uprize for the first time. I was attending a press event during the 2018 Adult Novelty Expo… But I was super early and not all the manufactures were set up and ready to go, so I snagged a plateful of free food (I want to say I was there for the sex toys… but we all know it was for the free food… they had an awesome spread of deserts and snacks… and of course an open bar…) and found a place to chill in the corner. It just so happened that Lovehoney was set up right across from where I was sitting, so I was watching them with interest (as I shoved free mini cookies into my face) as they arranged their little info table. I made accidental eye-contact with one of the reps who smiled and then with the click of a button made the dildo they had just finished setting up raise to complete attention. They must have seen how perplexed I looked, because then they clicked their magic little button again and made the cock deflate back down to limp dick posture… and then raised it again about part way… and sent it back down again. Yes…they was waving at me with their mechanical penis.

Well, you know me… I can’t just sit idly by while a somewhat enormous purple dick waves at me in such a come hither motions. I heaved myself up out of the booth (yes, heaved… I non-stop eat at these stupid conventions… because I can’t let free food go to waste…) and went to check out what kind of madness Lovehoney had to offer. The rep seemed utterly thrilled to get to talk to me about the Uprize… and to give it repeated erections. I had to admit, as bizarre as the whole thing was… it was a neat concept. So the Uprize, in case you haven’t quit yet worked it out, is a remote controlled, auto-erecting dildo… meaning you can make the Uprize go from flaccid to hard  at the touch of a button… isn’t technology great?

While watching the Uprize demonstration, my initial thoughts were along the lines of “Is this a packer? Can I use this as a packer?” I have an Archer from New York Toy Collective and I absolutely love it… but… how awesome would it be to be able to have also erections while packing?! A packer that you can get an erection with at the touch of a button really seemed like a game changer to me. The Uprize does have a very audible whir as it moves up or down though… although, this doesn’t really dissuade me from wanting to use it as a packer… because I would like people to hear the mechanical whirring of my bionic cyborg dick as I become aroused. People would be all… “Do you hear that?” and I would be all… “Oh, that? That’s the sound of my dick.” To which they would no doubt respond with something like… “What?” and I would smoothly come back with “Babe, I promise I don’t have a 3.5 inch floppy…(because all my pick-up lines are nerdy)” Having finally gotten my hands on the Uprize (thanks to a Star Wars themed contest I won), my dreams of packing have been dashed… its much bulkier and heavier than I was anticipating (they had it bolted down into a stand and I was unable to pick it up or get a real sense of how big it actually was when I saw it at the press event) and did not fit in my Joey pouch. I mean, I actually probably could have maneuvered it into the pouch and made it work… but it has a rounded base (suction cup) that the toy sits on that doesn’t feel great (it doesn’t hurt… it just… feels like there is something obnoxious in the way of the toy sitting flat) and it is much more weighty than I personally want to carry around. Also, even when set to “flaccid” it is a significantly large package… which isn’t really my thing, so it wasn’t really working for me from that perspective either. In theory… you probably could make it work as a packer… but its not what I was hoping it to be (too big, too heavy, too bulky).

The Uprize is strap-on compatible however and there is an Uprize Universal Strap-On Harness available separately. This harness works not only for the Uprize but for other harness compatible toys as well.  Lovehoney sent one of these harnesses along with my Uprize, which did help ease my packing disappointment, as I was still able to wear it and have constant erections and it was quite pleasing. I was not able to convince my current Stunt Cock to let me try pegging him with it, so I can only imagine how much fun that would be. The Harness itself isn’t anything to wildly special, its pretty basic. The waist strap adjusts to up to 63 inches, while the leg straps can adjust to 35 inches. The front panel is padded, which is super nice, makes it far more comfortable to wear for extended periods of time and since I bruise like an over-ripe peach, so it was nice not ending up with a dildo base shaped bruise on on my pubic mound (which is a weird issue I have with some of the underwear style harnesses). It has a silicone O-ring with a 2 inch opening, which should be compatible with a fairly sizable range of dildos. Like I said, its a pretty standard, basic harness. I am guessing since this harness is compatible with other dildos, is should then logically follow that the Uprize could be used in other harnesses, as long as they had a 2 inch opening… if I had the energy (which I do not, I have the worlds worst cold right now) I would dig out some of my other harnesses to test this theory out… But, if you don’t own other harnesses and you have no idea what you are even looking for in a harness and you just want something that you know will work with the Uprize, this isn’t a terrible option.

There are two models of the Uprize available. There is both a 6 inch and an 8 inch model (for some reason, typing that made me instantly crave a sub sandwich… I’d like an 6 inch French Dip on white please…). The model I have (the one featured in this here review) is the 6 inch version in purple. In the 6 inch style the Uprize if also available in a pale fleshy color (from the photos… this color looks super unappealing and I am thankful they sent me the deep purple model). The 8 inch Uprize is available in black as well as the unappealing fleshy pink color. Both the 6 and 8 inch models feature the same girth, measuring in at 1.9 inches wide. The Uprize is covered in silicone and is waterproof (the remote however is not waterproof… so if you are using it in the shower… invite a friend over to run the controls outside the shower…). As far as texture goes, the shaft of the Uprize does have a series of ridges along it… I don’t think that this texturing is intentional, it seems to be a by-product of how the silicone bunches up as it changes positions. This kind of takes away from the realism of the toy (although, so does the dark purple skin tone of my particular dildo) it does enable the toy to change easily between flaccid and erect (I don’t think silicone has enough stretch to it for it to remain skin tight even while moving, there needs to be a bit extra to keep things moving without ripping I think).  Intentional or not, the ridges when the toy was erect and inserted did provide a bit of a pleasant sensation… so, I’m not complaining. Also worth noting, even though I say “flaccid” to describe the non-erect state of the Uprize, the actual firmness of this toy never changes… the Uprize is always very firm, even when in flaccid mode.

Controlling the Uprize is fairly straightforward. So, the toy can be operated either via the remote control or on the base of the toy itself. But before I get too deep into how to operate it… I need to first touch on the travel lock… because this frustrated me to no end in the beginning. I didn’t realize it had a travel lock (because I don’t do instruction manuals) and I couldn’t get any of the buttons to respond the way I was expecting… instead of turning on the little lights around the buttons would just flash at me… I felt like they were mocking me. Having experienced mocking button flashes before with other toys, I figured “okay… this thing has a travel lock… now how do we unlock it.” I still didn’t consult the manual because… WHO HAS TIME FOR INSTRUCTIONS?! So I just started clicking the buttons in random configurations… first right than left button… then left than right button… left right left right in quick succession… what finally did it was holding down BOTH buttons on the base of the toy for a few seconds. After about 4 or 5 seconds of holding the buttons down the mocking lights flashed twice to show their submission to my superior intellect and the toy was now ready to use (you can re-lock the toy using the same method). Hooray for me!

Okay, so… as we have already established, there are two buttons at the base (the balls) of this big purple beast. The button that looks like a bunch of straight lines (I think they kind of look like an abstract dick going erect than flaccid) controls the erection function. Press it once and it’ll go erect, press it again to go back to flaccid mode. Easy enough. The other button controls the vibrations. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that this toy also VIBRATES?! The quality of the vibrations aren’t the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. They are neither very strong nor super rumbly… but… they are okay… pretty average… nothing so buzzy that I feel disgusted by it. Average vibrations are okay in this case I think, because the main attraction to the Uprize is the fact that it can get an erection and then return to flaccid at the push of a button. So the toys 10 vibrating functions are just a bonus… its a nice feature, but I would be just as excited about the toy without the vibrations. So, to turn on these vibrations just press the button with the wavy lines. Continuing to press the button will cycle you through three steady vibrations and the seven pattern modes. To turn off the vibration just press and hold the wavy line button for 2ish seconds.

Next, you can control the Uprize via a remote. Personally, I am a fan of the remote control method of… control. Especially if I’m using the Uprize on myself, I find using the remote far easier than trying to reach between my legs to mess with buttons on the toy itself. First off, the pair the dildo with the remote, first press the vibration button on the toy once ( The little oblong remote has three buttons and are organized in a shape that makes me think of a propeller. So, the center button (the middle of the propeller) there is a button that looks like a small circle inside of a larger circle, that button is your erection button. On top of that button is a (+) and (-) button, which control the toys vibration. Pressing the (+) will start the vibration and cycle through the patterns upwards to back down through the vibrations use the (-), if you back down far enough you will eventually turn the vibrations off. It’s pretty easy. I probably didn’t actually need to write this much about how to control it, you look like a smart person who could have figured it out on your own.

This review already feels super long and I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet! Okay, so in use… I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. First off, I was already pretty aroused by just watching the toy achieve an erection… that really satisfied a visual part of me that doesn’t seem to get enough attention when it comes to using toys… usually I just close my eyes and go for it… but it was nice to just sit back and watch this thing gain an erection between my legs before penetration. As I said before, it is a super firm toy… which made the toy feel very large when inserted… I really felt like I was being filled up by a rock hard erect penis… (I’m drooling thinking about it). Those ridges (as I also mentioned before) felt pretty good, they kind of bump,bump, bumped against my g-spot as I thrust with the toy. I also (kind of accidentally, because I forgot which button was which) experimented with the toy going flaccid while inserted… the toy just kind of whirred angrily because it didn’t have room to move… so there was nothing exciting there. Overall, I really enjoyed using this dildo… and coupled with a secondary vibrator against my clit… well, I was in orgasm heaven. Also, the suction cup on this puppy is pretty excellent, I was able to stick it firmly to my headboard and back into it… as well as sticking it firmly to the floor and riding it… both were fantastic experiences.

Just one more thing, real quick… because this review is getting super long and I need to wrap it up before ya’ll fall asleep on me… the Uprize is rechargeable  To charge, simply plug the USB charger (included) into your computer or a USB wall adapter and the other end into the port at the base of the toy and off you go. The buttons will blink while it is charging and remain solid when the toy has finished its charge. It takes about 150 minutes to fully charge and should net you about 60 minutes of play time.

I’ve gotta say, I really do like the concept of “erections on demand.” It’s fun, its playful, its quirky, it’s visually appealing and its new. I really appreciate when sex toy companies try something new… sure… not every new product is a winner… but at least new things are being tried, I would hate to live in a world where sex toy creation becomes stagnant and we just see the same toy model produced again and again and again.. THE HORROR. I think overall, the Uprize in a winner. There are definitely some things I would love to see improved in later versions of this toy… such as a better quality of vibration, or maybe the possibility of stopping the toy in multiple states of erection to find “your perfect erection” or how about making it from a dual density material so the toy has a bit more squish to the outside while still maintaining that more realistic firm core. I would also love it if it could be less bulky… because as I said before… I really wanted to use it as a packer, but that suction cup really gets in the way. But, as a dildo or a pegging toy… it is pretty great. I have enjoyed each and every play session I had with the Uprize and have enjoyed wearing it around in my pants telling my Stunt Cock to bow before his new bionic overlord. The novelty of this toy has really captured my heart… what can I say.

Ready to bring home your own bionic dick? You can pick up the Lovehoney Uprize from these fine folks: Lovehoney, SheVibe, Betty’s Toy Box and Peepshow Toys (use the Code KITTEN at Peepshow to take 10% off your order).

The Lovehoney Uprize was a prize in a contest hosted by Lovehoney and won by Kitten Boheme.

Guess what? It’s finally Masturbation May! Well… okay… technically it’s been Masturbation May for a couple of weeks… I’m just completely unorganized and a wee bit scatter brained. BUT… better late than never right? Besides… I’m sure you’ll forgive my tardiness when you see what I’ve got for you to win this month…

So, last month I ran my “Think Spring” giveaway and so many… SO MANY… of you entered to win the Zumio… judging by number of entries, the Zumio is one of the more popular toys I’ve given away to date! Sadly, I only had one Zumio to send out and I had to disappoint so many people… this made me sad… since I don’t like to disappoint y’all I’ve organized a SECOND CHANCE! That’s right… right here, right now… you have another opportunity to win a Zumio! Hooray!

The last giveaway featured the Zumio X, this time I’ve got the Zumio S on hand to give away! The Zumio S (formerly the caress) is a much less intense version of the Zumio, but in my experience is equally as amazing!

Not yet familiar with the Zumio? No worries! You can check out my review of the Zumio X (its kind of like the Zumio S… with a few differences, but you’ll get the idea) and catch up with the rest of us!

Be sure to bookmark this page and visit it daily for more entries!

WHAT YOU’LL WIN:

The Zumio S!

Join the Pleasure Revolution – Zumio S excites your pleasure zone with slightly less intensity than the original.

A quickie, mind-blowing multiple orgasms, or hours of delicious exploration. What’s your pleasure?

We’ve always known, that often the best way to pleasure the clitoris is with the circular motion of a fingertip. Zumio S makes that proven motion even better, so you can experience a wide variety of new, wonderful sensations.

Concentrated, deeply-satisfying pleasure pulses. Zumio S SpiroTIP whirls around in tiny circles, applying wonderfully unique pulses of pleasure to one small area at a time.

Each sensory zone around, near, and right on your clitoris has a unique pleasure sensation and Zumio lets you zoom in to experience each one. By comparison, the larger heads and buzz of traditional vibrators do not always allow for differing sensations.

• 8 speed settings to adjust intensity
• Slender ergonomic design for comfort
• Quiet operation, vibration free handle
• Designed for solo or partner play
• Made from medical grade silicone & ABS plastic
• Safe for use with water-based lubricant
• Long lasting, USB rechargeable battery
• 1 year warranty
• Charging Method: Electrical Induction
• USB Input Power 5VDC, 450mA
• Battery Charge Time: 16 hours from low battery to full charge. Battery is charged while inside the appliance.
• Usage time from a full charge: 4 hours – may vary depending upon usage patterns.
• Waterproof: Yes, to IP67 – submerge up to 1.7 feet (0.5 meters)

FOLLOW THE RULES:

• This contest will run from May 18, 2019 to May 31,  2019.
• The contest is open to World Wide! You must live in an area where sex toys are legal to import! KittenBoheme.com is not responsible for any custom fees or other fines.
• You must be 18 years or older to enter.
• Absolutely NO giveaway accounts. I check EVERY Twitter and Tumblr account, if you only share giveaway posts, your entriesf will be void.
• One winner will be randomly selected and contacted by me via email within seven days of the contest ending. The winner then has 48 hours to reply to me with their address otherwise another winner will be drawn. The winner agrees to provide me with their name, email, phone number and shipping address. On conclusion of the giveaway, Kitten Boheme will ship directly to the winner.

Fun fact… there is such a thing as  National Goof Off Day! Yeah… it’s another one of these silly micro-holiday’s that I had no idea existed until the day it was happening… but now that I know it exists, I am so here for it. According to some official record or other the first celebration of National Goof Off Day took place in 1976… any holiday that is older than I am is tots legit (according to my completely arbitrary holiday rules that are likely to change on a complete whim). To celebrate National Goof Off Day one must avoid work of any kind at all costs! Let any goofy idea pop into your head then follow through with that utterly ridiculous idea… dance in your underpants… bake cookies and eat all the dough… color pictures… or just sit around in your PJs all day binging on Netflix… do whatever you want… so long as you enjoy it and its not work! I repeat, DO NOT DO ANY WORK OF ANY KIND ON NATIONAL GOOF OFF DAY!  (Oh, and by the way… National Goof Off Day is March 22… so you’ve got like a year to prepare now…)

Do you want to know how I celebrated National Goof Off Day? Go on, take a guess… this is an easy one. If you guessed I celebrated by masturbating, you would be correct. Although… is it technically goofing off if masturbating is actually my business? And is writing this blog post about masturbating continuing to go against the entire principle of Goof Off Day since it is technically my work?! Oh gosh… I better go watch the entire last season of Desperate House Wives in order to make up for my day spent hard at work on the sacred holiday of doing nothingness!

Okay, since masturbating is totally fun (even if it is also my work) I am going to give it a pass and say I did National Goof Off Day right. Now, I can tell that you are curious about what wonder of the sex toy kingdom did I spend masturbating with… Why, the Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dildek of course! So I guess… even if I did spend the day masturbating for work on a day I shouldn’t be working, I at least I did it with the goofiest dildo possible! I mean honestly, is there any dildo more glorious than this? The rest of you sex toy manufacturers can just pack it up and go home… you will never be able to top the awesomeness that is the Dildek… it just warms my geeky little heart straight down to its geeky little core. It’s amazing. Simply amazing.

A Dildek is a Dalek inspired dildo and part of Geeky Sex Toy’s Doctor Screw line of toys. For the unenlightened among us, the Daleks are one of the most feared races in the universe and are hellbent on taking everything over and getting rid of anything that isn’t a Dalek (you know… like humans… and Time Lords…) Thankfully for the universe (and us, since we reside in said universe), the Doctor is here to keep us safe from the Dalek threat. Due to wibbly wobbly timey wimey type things, the Doctor was not able to be around in this particular timeline to keep this particular Dalek from invading my particular vagina… and my vagina was thoroughly conquered by this alien race. Okay… this is getting terrible… but, I’ve got to warn you… this review is only going to go downhill from here. SAVE YOURSELF FROM BAD DOCTOR WHO JOKES, RUN! Just kidding, you should stay… we’ll have fun.

As I was saying, the Dildek is inspired by the Dalek, it shares the same distinct body shape, like… if you are at all familiar with what a Dalek is, even in passing… you’ll recognize the Dildek for what it is. Sure, it’s missing its weird arm/eye stalk thing… but that wouldn’t feel so good being inserted… UNLESS… the Dildek was turned into some kind of rabbit style vibrator… makes mental note of the best idea ever. The shaft of the Dildek is covered in round rivet looking nubs (much the same as a real Dalek) that provide a real MASSIVE texture boost to this toy. Following the rivet nubs there is a series of three ridged circles that end in a very rounded head. My particular Dalek is 7 inches in length with a circumference of 7.75 inches at its widest point and 5.25 inches at its smallest. This is a large dildo… I mean… it is literally, sized as “large” so I don’t know why I thought it would be anything other than huge. My eyes are often times bigger than my vagina. My brain is going “oh hell yes, put that inside me, fill me up daddy!” While my vagina is down there screaming “NOooo… don’t do it! We can’t handle it!” But do I listen to my vagina? Of course not, that whiner. YOU’LL TAKE WHAT I GIVE YOU AND YOU’LL LIKE IT! The Geeky Sex Toy’s Dildek does come in a size small, for any of you who are far more sensible than I am. I feel like I’m a bit of a size queen… in theory any way… I love the idea of big toys… they just don’t always agree with me. If you do opt for the small, you will get a Dildek that has an insertable length of 5.75 inches with a circumference of 6 inches at its widest point and 4.25 inches at its smallest. A far more sensibly sized dildo… I probably should have went with a small. Actually… no… I REGRET NOTHING! GO BIG OR GO HOME!

The Dildek is made from silicone (unlike the real Daleks, who are made from a bonded polycarbide material called “dalekanium”… which may or may not be a body safe material… Dalekanium is also hard to come by, so I can see why Geeky Sex Toys went with the much more available silicone), which makes it dishwasher safe, boiling water safe, 10% bleach solution safe and other assorted cleaning methods that may or may not be wholly approved for washing a real Dalek (are Daleks waterproof?). Also, its great that this toy has a lot of cleaning options… because you are going to be spending approximately 5.3 hours of your life cleaning this thing (probably an exaggeration… but it felt that way). All that sweet detailing that looks and feels amazing is also a great hoarder of vagina goo and lint. The three rings under the head are especially good at holding caked in goo… I hand washed this thing once and felt like I spent ages just trying to scrub it clean with a tooth brush. Next time I needed to clean it, I tossed it into the top rack of my dishwasher… this seemed to do the trick. Around the little rivets and around the base of the toy were also quit adept at holding onto crud… I’m just letting you know now that if you don’t have a dishwasher this Dildek is going to feel like real time commitment… but its worth it. Also… don’t let my whining about cleaning scare you off… I’m also a notoriously lazy cleaner… if I can’t just run it under some water and have it be clean… its too much work.

While we are on the topic of silicone… the Dildek is also quite firm, there isn’t a whole lot of give to the Dildek when squeezed (although… this is to be expected, as Daleks aren’t really known for their squishy softness), which does make it feel kind of unyielding when inserted… it is a no nonsense dildo (but again… what else do you expect from a Dalek?). It does have a little bend to it… like I can almost force the head of the toy to bend and touch the bottom of the shaft… but it is hard… and also… why do you even care if it can?  That is just a little factoid you know now about this dildo, unnecessary information. The silicone also has a heck of a lot of drag to it, which is something I always kind of like… I kind of hate when I lube a toy up and its so slick and slippery there isn’t any resistance at all… I kind of like to feel a toy dragging against my vaginal walls…  (not like a dry toy drag that feels like rug burn…but the nice, matte silicone sort of drag) and this toy does that nicely.

MASTURBATE! MASTURBAAAATE! The Dildek is much less concerned about extermination than its Dalek counterpart… I guess that makes the Dildek a lover not a fighter. Although with its size and all that texture… it’s a bit more of an aggressive lover… which I guess if Daleks could love, I’d imagine them to be aggressive lovers. But who doesn’t like it rough every now and then? Mmm baby, hit me with your eyestalk and EJACULATE, EJACULAAAAATE all over my face! Did things just get weird? It got a little weird…sorry (not sorry).

Anyway, masturbating with the Dildek was a wild trip. There is just so much going on with the Dildek both my vagina and my brain were struggling to process the whole experience! But I loved it, I loved everything about it! Inserting the Dildek reminded me a lot of the Tantus Amsterdam, there is almost no taper to the head… its just round and demanding to be inserted. When I have a dildo with a more tapered head (ones that look more traditionally like a penis head) I can start inserting them with just a little lube and no warm up… this is not the case with the Dildek (or the Amsterdam)… those blunt round heads require a little more finesse to work in. So if you are looking for a dildo you can shove in, get off, and get out… might not be the Dildek. When inserted, the Dildek was filling… like… I felt a little stretched out and satisfyingly full! I did quickly realize that I didn’t enjoy thrusting with this toy though… the size made it a little difficult for me to begin with, but even as I added more lube and became more comfortable with the size, I realized I just didn’t really like all that texture moving around to much or too quickly… thrusting with all those nubby rivets almost made my vagina feel like it was in danger of being rubbed raw (even though it wasn’t actually happening, the Dildek never actually hurt me)… I was not a fan of that (I also have to wonder if the smaller sized Dildek might have made a better thrusting companion). BUT I absolutely LOVED using the Dildek as a squeezing dildo! The size… shape… texture… everything about this toy felt perfect for just inserting and squeezing around while I used a vibrator on my clit. I don’t squirt often and it takes a pretty special toy to accomplish that… but I totally did squirt while using the Dildek… it possesses some kind of Dalek magic, clearly. Okay… Daleks don’t have magic… so… uh… some kind of superior Dalek engineering (or I am just sexually imprinted on Daleks because Doctor Who was a favorite show growing up)? I don’t know… whatever the reason, the Dildek was an overwhelming success as far as I’m concerned. If you don’t like texture though… you will not enjoy the Dildek… this is not the dildo for you. I LOVE a good textured dildo and even I was shocked by how this felt upon insertion. Size was also much more overwhelming than I thought it was going to be, although with lube and determination I was able to insert the entire thing comfortably… luckily, if you like Daleks but don’t like big toys, that small version is an option for you.

Another neat feature of the Dildek… the suction cup! It isn’t the strongest dildo suction I’ve encountered in all my years of dildoing it up… but it is a solid, working suction cup. I was able to stick it to the floor and ride it (well… kind of ride it… more like… sit on it and bounce ever so gently) without it coming loose. But it doesn’t seem to want to stick to my wall or headboard, so backing into it from my hands and knees has not been an option (which is sad, because this is my favorite way to use a suction cup dildo).

Do I recommend the Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dalek dildo? Yes, I absolutely do. I recommend it if you are a collector of Doctor Who memorabilia (who else in your fan club is going to have a Dalek inspired dildo? No one… certainly not Brenda, the snarky member who thinks she has everything and it constantly one upping everyone). I recommend it if you are just a collector of weird and wild sex toys. And I 100% recommend it if you are looking for a large and highly textured dildo! It is a well made silicone sex toy with a quirky twist! Also… if a gold Dildek is not your thing… don’t worry, it’s also available in black.

Now, there is one more thing you should know about the Dildek. When you order from Geeky Sex Toys, your toy is shipped directly from Australia. Yes, Australia… the country where the population is made up of only about 20 actual people, and the rest of the population is made up of 2,459,9980 giant tarantulas in trench coats. So, getting your toy may take a little extra time (having a work force made up of mostly tarantulas in trench coats slows things down… as you can well imagine) but it is so worth it. I’ve yet to find anyone state side who is making such perfectly geeky sex toys… especially not Doctor Who themed (although if you know of anyone, I would like to know). Don’t worry though, even though international shipping takes a little bit longer, it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. Geeky Sex Toys has a sweet deal in place, they offer free shipping on orders of $100 or more or a $15 flat rate standard shipping on any order. Not a bad deal. And where else are you going to get a Dalek themed dildo made by tarantulas in trench coats?

Are you a Doctor Who fan? Would you like to become a Doctor Screw fan? Pick up your Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dildek silicone dildo directly from Geeky Sex Toys! They are super friendly (for tarantulas) and will hook you right up!

The Geeky Sex Toys Doctor Screw Dildek was provided to me free of charge by Geeky Sex Toys in exchange for my honest review.

Did you know that May 11th was National Eat What You Want Day? A day that is all about having that one special day a year where you get to eat with no regrets. Although… let’s be real here… that’s what Christmas is for… and Thanksgiving… and Easter… and my birthday… and my friends’ birthdays… and Labor Day… and all the Fridays… But whatever… I’m all about a day of eating with no regrets, regardless of what day that is! Although, I am trying to eat healthier these days… so instead of chowing down on Thai food and movie theater popcorn (two of my favorite things) I instead ate dick. Lots and lots of dick. I ate all the dicks. Okay… it wasn’t a real dick… it was a silicone dick… and I was practicing my blow job technique (because right now my technique is put too much dick in mouth then accidentally vomit on dick owners pants… I’m real smooth.)… silicone dicks need love too!

And just what wonder of the sex toy kingdom did I spend the day fellating and masturbating with you ask? Why, the Uberrime Maestro Suction Cup Dildo of course! Oh, quite your groaning… I told you in the review of the Splendid that I was obsessed with Uberrime’s amazing silicone pleasure hole fillers (my new fancy way of saying dildos… also… I will never refer to dildos as pleasure hole fillers again, I promise) and it should be of absolutely no surprise to you that I spent National Eat What You Want Day eating a dick from one of my favorite dildo makers. Strap in friends, I have eight… yes EIGHT glorious Uberrime toys to review after this… so you are about to get reaaaaaal familiar with how cool Uberrime is. AND AWAY WE GO!

So the Uberrime Maestro is cool because it is my first suction cup toy from Uberrime. First true suction I should say… as some of my other Uberrime dildos have had pretty amazing sticking power, but that seems like mostly a happy accident and not because they come equipped with a suction cup. Exploring the Uberrime website, it looks like it might actually be the only suction cup equipped dildo Uberrime makes. Nope, I lied. I’m a big fat liar. I just asked Uberrime if he has any other suction cup toys and there is in fact a SECOND Uberrime suction cup marvel… the Aqueous is also full of suctiony goodness. SO I STAND CORRECTED.  There are TWO Uberrime dildos with suction cups (at least right now… if you are reading this in the future… things may have changed) and the Uberrime Maestro, the dildo featured in today’s review is one of them! That was an awful lot of words to say “this dildo has a suction cup…” I’m having one of those rambling kind of days.

The Maestro is also a semi-realistic, which is cool if you prefer your dildos to look less like a human penis and more… penis adjacent. Like, I can tell by looking at the Maestro that it is definitely a cock… and quite likely human… but its not all in your face screaming “I’M A FAT OL’ DICK BABY, YEAH!” the saw way that something like the Vixen VixSkin Goodfella or Number One Laboratory B.J. (but if you are looking for realistic cocks… those are a pair or excellent cocks). The Maestro is much more subtle in its penis-ness. It is a penis… but it doesn’t rub that fact in your face. Size-wise the Maestro has a total length of 7.5 inches with 6.5 inches of insertable length. Girth-wise you are looking at a shaft with a max circumference of 5 inches. It seems pretty average human penis sized (I think…my idea of what’s average has become kind of skewed because I keep buying dildos larger than I can manage… so anything I can fit in my vagina starts to feel average…). Okay, I just googled it, the average human penis is 4.7 to 6.3 inches when erect with a circumference of around 4.7 inches… so I am not totally wrong in saying the Uberrime Maestro silicone dildo is about average (okay… maybe its just a hair over average)! In keeping with this penis-like comparison, the Maestro dildo is also lightly textured with some bulging-esque veins. These veins run the length of the shaft from base to head, but are actually quite subtle for bulging veins. Another feature of the Maestro is its quite prominent coronal ridge… it has the kind of head that I gives that nice popping sensation when thrust with (although it is rather mild compared to some other dildos I have). Alright,  so the TLDR version of this block of text is… the Maestro is a penis, but only subtly so…

Okay, I know we already kind of touched on it, but I wanna loop back around to that suction cup, because that is probably the most interesting feature of the Uberrime Maestro silicone suction cup dildo. So, Uberrime says that the “Maestro will stick to any smooth surface, or even to a textured wall!” But for the life of me, I couldn’t get it to stick to my ugly ass textured wall. I tried and tried and I pushed and I squished… but it was having none of it. But maybe its because the color of this wall is so ugly that it acts as literal dildo repellent. The Maestro took one look at this weird, lumpy, kind of brown… kind of tan… kind of baby poop colored wall and said “Nah, I’m outta here.” BUT on surfaces that were not my gross ass office walls, the Maestro’s suction cup worked like a dream! I’m thinking that my office walls might be too textured. For real… its like whoever was building this house liked the idea of popcorn ceilings SO MUCH that they decided to just keep going with it and extended the popcorn ceiling down into popcorn walls in this room. Its ugly and it makes no sense. On my more sensibly textured bathroom walls, the Maestro had no issues creating a strong suction. So, the Maestro may not stick firmly to every sort of textured wall… but what it does stick to, it sticks hella firm! Surfaces (other than my gross wall) I was able to get it to stick tightly too… the fridge, bed headboard, floor, desk, shower wall, bathroom mirror, desktop computer tower, windows… honestly… if its smooth(ish) and flat(ish) the Maestro will probably grip to it like its holding on for dear life. The only issue seems to be on my heavily textured wall (which of course was the first wall I tried and I was instantly furious that my dildo wasn’t sticking to it…). I had absolutely no problems sticking this dildo to both my floor and coffee table and riding it like a horny rodeo cowboy. I was also able to stick it to my bedroom wall and back into it from my hands and knees. So… even with a rocky start, the Maestro passed the suction cup test with flying colors and then went on to earn a little extra credit. I think on the right surface, this suction cup will hold up against even the most buckingiest of broncos.

The Maestro is also great for g-spot and prostate play, due to that exaggerated head. Because of its super soft silicone, mildly textured body, and more average size girth I actually ended up enjoying this dildo far more as an anal toy than I did vaginally (I mean, it did also feel good being thrust into my vagina… but my butt was way more into it). The Maestro is also harness compatible and I feel like this would be an excellent dildo for pegging, what with being relatively smooth, non-intimidating, rather average dildo (as I said and will continue to say over and over and over again)… but my Stunt Cock is a little pegging shy… so I have yet to be able to test this theory of mine out yet. But, I did slip it into my new harness from Sportsheets and it fit wonderfully! It was fabulous to wear around, even though it felt like I was all dressed up with no place to go.

Besides just crafting excellent dildos, Uberrime also excels at pouring exciting colored dildos. I have yet to receive a dildo in a color I hate… they have all just been supremely fantastic (especially this cotton candy pink looking Splendid… I just want to eat it up). My particular Maestro is one of the made-to-order marble colored dildos. With the made-to-order option you get your choice of two colors swirled together to form a beautifully marbled color… its frickin’ fantastic. The Maestro featured in this review is the Rose Gold and Lavender color option. Its pretty gorgeous… beyond how well these colors marble together… this Maestro also features shiny flecks of glitter… that does it for me… if there is glitter in a dildo, I am all in. The two color marbling option is currently the more expensive option, if you are the kind of person who doesn’t really care what color is being shoved up your ass or pussy… or you are just a human of simple tastes or smaller budget… there is a slightly cheaper option to be had. If you want to save a bit of dough you can opt for a single color Maestro… which to be honest, seem to look every bit as good as the two color versions (judging by the website photos).

Okay, I’m not really all that great at sports metaphors, but I think I would be correct in saying that Uberrime has hit a home run once again with the Maestro suction cup dildo. I think this is a pretty aptly named dildo, considering Uberrime is becoming quite the distinguished figure in the dildo making scene. The Maestro is especially great if you are someone who has been searching high and low for a suction cup that can actually hold firm to a surface (unless that surface is a near popcorn quality wall… like mind). Overall, I think the Maestro is yet another solid dildo creation from Uberrime… I feel like I need to find an Uberrime toy I hate… just so ya’ll don’t think I’m bias… or that Uberrime is giving under the table blowies in exchange for great review (which they are not… unfortunately). If you are in the market for a silicone dildo with a pretty friendly, only a hair above average (according to one google search) size, a reasonably affordable price, (possible to obtain for around $60) with a suction cup and fun colors… I can 100% recommend this toy! Or, if you are all “yeah… this sounds great… but I want something with more length to it” may I suggest you take a quick look at the Uberrime Dr. Manhattan… it is also penis-like, has a somewhat average girth, but tops out at a whopping 9.5 inches in length!

Ready to enjoy some Uberrime in your own holes? You can pick up the Uberrime Maestro Suction Cup Dildo directly from Uberrime themselves! And remember, you have the option for a made-to-order two color or the slightly cheaper single color!

The Uberrime Maestro Suction Cup Dildo was provided to me free of charge by Uberrime in exchange for my honest review.

I want to be the very best,
Like no one ever was.
To fuck them is my real test,
To bone them is my cause!

Pokémoan!
Gotta catch em’ all!

Okay… raise your hand if you have spent more time on Pokémon Go (or any other Pokémon related game for that matter…) than a reasonable adult probably should… oh, in case you can’t see it… my hand is raised… both of my hands are raised… really high. I’m obsessed with this game (much like I was obsessed with Pokémon Red and Blue as a young nerdling in the nest). I eat, sleep and breath Pokémon. And now… thanks to the Geeky Sex Toys Pokémoan Bulby you can say that I eat, sleep, breath and fuck Pokémon. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!

Also, since we are on the topic of my child-like obsession with Pokémon… guess where I am RIGHT NOW… go on, guess! If you guessed Cerulean City, I’m afraid you are incorrect. If you guessed Pokémon Go Fest in Chicago… then that is both correct… and a weirdly specific and accurate guess! For one gloriously long weekend I will be catching Pokémon all day long (I know it’s my destiny)… and then retiring to my hotel room to… fuck Pokémon all night long… oh yes… I will be Pokémoaning alllll night long… so… I guess this is my preemptive apology if your hotel room happens to be next to mine…but should you hear my moans, do not be alarmed… its just that my Bulby used Growth… and it was super effective.

In case it isn’t obvious (I don’t know, maybe you live under a rock or something), the Geeky Sex Toys Pokémoan line are all fashioned after the starter Pokémon available in the Pokémon video games. This means as a fledgling trainer you can choose between Bulby, Charmy, Squirty or Piky. And much the same as I have done in almost every Pokémon game I’ve played, I have chosen Bulbasaur as my starter cumpanion… because I always feel bad for ol’ plant butt… he doesn’t seem to get as much love as Pikachu or Charmander… even dopey old Squirtal sees more action than Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur is the Hufflepuff of the Pokémon world (but that’s okay… I’m a bit of a Hufflepuff myself). So naturally, when Geeky Sex Toys gave me the option of picking any of their Pokémoan critters I wanted… my instincts kicked in and without even thinking, I selected Bulby (okay, I also brought home the Piky plug for good measure).

Bulby is a pretty clever (yet simple) little nod to the seed based Pokémon Bulbasaur. Only, instead of a mushroom head (like your typical penis-esque dildo), this dildo features an adorable little seed pod, much like the seed found growing on Bulbasuars back. This bulbous head really makes Bulby shine… I love the fat little head, it feels great being inserted and I like the gentle popping sensation I get as I thrust in and out with it. The chubby little head is also excellent for clenching around while using a vibrator on my clit. I do wish that shaft of the Bulby was just a wee bite longer though. I want just a little bit more room to thrust with… I feel like just as I was really getting into the thrust… I ran out of dildo… which was a bit disheartening at times. It’s not a deal breaker though, the Geeky Sex Toys Bulby is still an excellent toy, especially if you enjoy chonky friends to clench around.

According to the Pokédex,  Bulby has an overall length of 6.5 inches with roughly 4.5 of those inches being insertable length. The shaft or “stem” of this grass type Pokémoan has a circumference of 4.25 inches while the seed pod is a respectable 6 inches around. The stem of the seems to be spouting up from… balls? They look like balls to me. A pair of cute, chubby-wubby little balls. Or maybe its supposed to be another seed pod? No… no… they definitely look like balls to me. Bulby comes equipped with an adorably small pair of translucent green balls. It’s as if Bulby is saying to us “Hey, do you wanna battle? Because my balls are at the ready!” That was a terrible joke, why did you let me use that? Well… it’s too late now, whats said is said.

Being made from silicone, cleaning is a breeze (at least in theory it is…). I get kind of hung up on the lip where the seed pod meets the toys shaft… there is just enough of a ledge for goo and gunk to build up and its… irritating. Its not so bad if you are the kind of responsible person who washes their toys immediately after use and you can just rinse the goo away. I am not a responsible person. I am the kind of person who masturbates with a toy, tosses it aside, then finds it under the bed a few weeks later covered in dust bunnies and crusty vag goo. I do have a dedicated dildo toothbrush though, so I was able to brush away the crust from around the rim of the toy and out of the little shallow dip in the tip.

There isn’t really much to this toy… its super simple… which makes for a pretty quick and simple review. But its fun and who needs all the bells and whistles when you have good ol’ fashioned fun on your side? Also… I’m in a hurry… I’ve got Pokémon to get out and catch! ALL THE SHINIES WILL BE MINE!

Do I recommend the Geeky Sex Toys Pokémoan? Well… just like Bulbasaur the Bulby is #001 in my heart (haha… Pokédex humor). It’s an interesting dildo, the seed pod at the top is neat and not something you usually find on top of your average dildo… it doesn’t feel quite the same as inserting with a more penis-headed dildo… its more… top heavy? Front loaded? I’m not sure how to describe it… like… all the fun is right up front with the first thrust, because there is no texture along the shaft at all (and the shaft is on the shorter side). The Bulby is also excellent if you are a collector of all the weird and nerdy things the world has to offer. AND… if you really do need to catch them all… you’re in luck, because there is a full collection of Pokémoans to collect! This toy is just nerdy enough… quirky enough… that its one of those things that I think would want to own just so I could display it… imagine the conversation you could start with your house guests. If they ask if that’s a dildo you can look shocked and say its a modern art interpretation of the cultural sensation that is Bulbasaur. Also… yes, its a dildo and its fantastic… you should give it a try.

Are you like me, do you have a soft spot for the happiest cabbage frog? You can pick up the Geeky Sex Toys Pokémoan Bulby directly from Geeky Sex Toys! BONUS: As of right now you can use the code KITTEN for a 5% discount… I’m not sure how long this discount lasts… it may last only as long as I’m in Chicago!

A brief note though, Geeky Sex Toys is based in Australia. So after you order your sex toy it first has to pass Kangaroo inspection. Each dildo is lovingly placed inside the pouch of a Kangaroo (or Wallabies, if you pay extra) and it is hopped around Australia for exactly 14 days…it is during this hop around that the dildos truely age and mature and this is what makes dildos from Geeky Sex Toys different, Kangaroo hopped dildos have a quality you won’t find anywhere else (this is 100% true…okay, 85% true… okay… there is a .01% chance that this is true). Also, being from Australia, shipping takes slightly longer (but its worth it… you won’t find toys this Geeky anywhere else) but even though your package is coming from the other side of the world, shipping is more reasonable than you would think… if you spend $100 shipping is free (and its easy to spend over $100… just take a look… you’re gunna want one of everything) or a flat $15 if you spend less than $100. So go ahead, go catch ’em all!

The Geeky Sex Toys Pokémoan Bulby was provided to me free of charge by Geeky Sex Toys in exchange for my honest review.