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It’s gettin’ hot in herrrrre (so hot), so take off all your clothes. I am, gettin’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off!
That song has been permanently stuck in my head since high school. Its also the first thing that comes to mind when I start thinking about the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration. Because my brain works in song lyrics… which makes having conversations with people hard sometimes… because they will end a sentence with a word that triggers a song lyric for me and I have to bite my tongue and stop myself from just busing out into song. For example… “Look over there!” and my response wants to be something like… “There is a castle on a cloud…” I’m a strange person, but its cool… who wants to be normal?
ANYWAY…
Satisfyer has really been churning out the toys lately, holy-moly! So a month or two (or three or five… I don’t know… I have a hard time processing the passage of time) ago I received a box full of Satisfyer toys… like 7 or 8 toys… a whole mess of insertsble vibrators (which I will get around to reviewing once I’ve caught up on other work… I am buried under an avalanche of sex toys). But while I love myself a good vibrator… what I was actually hoping for in that box of Satisfyer goodies was some of their penis toys. Not long ago I had my Stunt Cock test out the Satisfyer Men and he has some mixed feelings about it… it wasn’t a total bomb, but he definitely had some strong opinions on some of it’s features. Shortly after I posted that review I saw that Satisfyer had introduced the Satisfyer Men Vibration and the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration… the shapes were different (and the shape of the Satisfyer Men was one of Stunt Cocks issues) and… well… the whole heat thing was pretty intriguing… and I just really like dabbling in penis toys… they are weirdly exciting for me… even though I am without a penis myself. It must be that whole “the grass is always greener” deal… because I can’t personally use a penis toy… they are that much more alluring. So, yeah… I was bummed that I had a box full of vibrators and not a single penis toy among them… but sensing my sadness (or maybe just the fact that I requested this toy specifically from them), SheVibe sent along their own box containing a Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibrations… HOORAY! My heroes!
Before we go any further though… I just want to say this: Not all men have penises and not all penises belong to men. I just need to throw that out there. I don’t really understand the needless gendering of these masturbators. I feel like this kind of marketing is going to make Trans and non-binary feel excluded or invisible. So, please know that every time I have to type out Satisfyer Men, I do so with a heavy eye roll. If you have a Penis, man or not… this toy is for you… even with its dumb name. And maybe… eventually… if we say this enough… Satisfyer (and other companies) will jump on board and do away with gendered sex toy names.
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Okay, so, I thought the Satisfyer Men (the clunky black and blue version I reviewed earlier) was pretty sporty looking, but the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration is like of the sporty Satisfyer Men got a makeover and bought a well-fitting suit. I think that it is much more modern looking, dare I say even classy, and I’m into it. It’s maybe not as beautifully minimalist as the Tenga masturbators… but it’s coming in a solid second in the my masturbator beauty contest. Maybe I could have scored it higher if it didn’t look so much like a travel coffee mug to me. I do appreciate that it is far less clunky that the previous Satisfyer Men and Fleshlights… heck… even some of the Tenga toys get a little awkward to hold (like the Flip Zero). The Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration is compact, easy to hold (again… to me it feels like I’m holding a travel coffee mug) and reasonably light weight.
So the outer shell of the travel coffee mug… err… I mean Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration is made from ABS plastic while the inner… penis chamber (Fuck hole? Dick door? Cock cavity?) is made from squishy, velvety silicone. That is one thing the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration has going for it that both Tenga and Fleshlight masturbators don’t have… silicone innards. Size wise this is about a 12 oz coffee mug. But don’t put coffee in it… because it’s not a coffee mug… although… with the heat feature… it would be the world’s best travel mug. But it’s a sex toy, so it’s sex toy measurements are in inches… not ounces… although now I want to know how many ounces of cum this toy will hold. The whole toy measures in at 5.5 inches long (see, its about the size of a coffee mug) and about 10 inches around (I found it pretty easy to grip). This is definitely not a toy for someone who likes deep penetration, as it has just about 2.75 inches worth of penetrable depth. The mouth of the toy (or entrance if you prefer) is roughly 1.5 inches wide. According to my Stunt Cock, he thinks this will work best for either people with smaller penises and people who prefer to keep their stimulation up near the head and care less about having the whole shaft stimulated during masturbation.
So the heat function is what really drew me to this toy… sure, I don’t have a penis of my own to enjoy it with… so I had to enlist a Stunt Cock to let me know if it’s as cool as I really want it to be. The Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration has three heat levels, topping out at 104 degrees Fahrenheit (so just a bit warmer than body temperature…like… a high-grade fever…). It took me a few tries to sort out how to turn on the heat… because who has time for instruction manuals? I did figure it out though… and its not at all complicated… unless you are doing it in the dark while watching Schitts Creek like I was. So, on the body of the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration is a control panel with four buttons set into it. The very bottom of these buttons (or I suppose the top button, if you have the toy on your penis and are looking down at it) is the temp control button (it looks like a thermometer). I found that it was kind of hard to tell if the heating function was actually on or not… I was imagining that the button would light up to indicated that it was doing its job… but the temp button just flashed red at me and my instinct is that when a light is flashing red at me… something is going very wrong. I kept clicking the button… thinking that the flashing light must mean that its somehow on standby or something… but it just kept blinking… so I waited… and waited… then actually forgot what I was doing… then remembered… and when I looked back down at the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration I noticed that the light had gone solid. So, using my Sherlockian powers of deduction, I have concluded that it blinks while it is heating… then goes solid red when its reached the desired temperature.. So… if the red light is blinking at you… don’t panic… apparently it is supposed to do that… just be patient. I feel like that could have been designed better. I also can’t really discern if there is a way to tell which of the three temperatures you are set to. Also the (+) blinks red with the temp button… so I can’t tell if somehow that button is also involved in controlling the heat… or if its just caught up in the whole thing… an innocent bystander. The instructions are also super unclear about all this… because all the instructions contain are some pictures… which don’t really explain whats going on here. As near as I can figure… continuing to press the temperature button must somehow increase the heat… but I’m not sure how you can tell. Also… when you are done with the toy, you have to remember to also turn off the heat function. We turned off the power button and just assumed the whole toy was off… I wandered about the house for a bit doing this and that… then returned to the bedroom to see that the red light was still on… it was still hot… whoops. I don’t know if it has any kind of fail-safe function… if it reaches a point where the toy says “hey… I’ve been on a really long time… I bet these bozos forgot to turn me off” and then it turns itself off. Or if it will just continue heating until it burns your whole house down. So… just to be safe… when you are done with the toy… remember to check that the heating function is also off.
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The Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration also has the ability to… vibrate (duh). The vibrations are controlled on that same control panel we just discussed above. There is a power button (that looks just as you would expect a power button to look), you press and hold that and the toy will start vibrating. Using the (+) and (-) buttons will raise and lower the intensity of the vibrations. The Satisfyer website boasts that the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration has 70 vibration patterns… which sounded like a crazy large number of patterns and I could tell you immedietly I would have no patience for clicking through them all. After handling the toy… I see what they mean… what is actually happening is that there are 7 intensities and 10 different pattern modes. You can set each of the 10 patterns to each of the 7 intensities… and assuming my math is correct (which I know it is… I used a calculator just be be sure… because I don’t trust myself… even when multiplying by 10) 7 x 10 = 70. So even though 70 sounds super impressive… its really not as impressive when you realize what it means. BUT having said that, it is cool that you can find a pattern you like then set it to an intensity you like. More often than not, the reason I hate many patterns on vibrators is that they tend to be weak… if I had the option to ramp up the intensity on patterns I find tolerable, I might enjoy patterns slightly more. When I insert my fingers into the toy, I would say that the vibrations are pretty mid-range, and I feel like the vibrations are more buzzy than anything. Buzzy isn’t always a bad thing… more of a preference thing. If you are looking for a masturbator with a strong, rumble… this is not it.
One more thing, while we are talking about the Satisfyers two man features. It is possible to enjoy the heat without adding the vibration (or the vibrations without the heat). Or maybe you are the kind of person who likes to plan ahead, you can turn on the temp button and have the toy warming before you are ready to masturbate. It seems to heat up to full temperature in about five-ish minutes or so, so you don’t have too long to wait for a warm toy. ALSO… I just had a brilliant idea… you could pair the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration with the
Also, while we are still kind of on the topic of buttons… I don’t like the buttons on this toy. They are smooth and flat… I like my buttons to be raised up so I can feel them. When I am fumbling around with my toy either in the dark or while attending to other things… I like to be able to just run my fingers along the buttons and feel where each button is. You can’t do that with this toy. You have to physically look down at it to sort the button situation out. Not a great feature, especially if any of your users are visually impaired. They are also kind of hard to press, I end up having to dig my nails into the buttons, they just seem really stiff. So, I really think the button panel should be readdressed if any future models of this toy were to come out. Touch Lube Warmer and have yourself the toastiest masturbation session ever. Perfect for the dead of winter. Just think how pampered your penis could be… heated lube… headed toy… as someone who is always cold… I am already pretty jealous of these theoretically warmed and pampered penises.
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So, the big question… how did my Stunt Cock like it? Well… he didn’t… not really. His first big issue with the toy is that he has just a slightly above average penis as far as girth goes… so inserting himself into the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration was not easy. It took a lot of lube (lots and lots) and a little bit of force to get himself inside… which didn’t make it the most comfortable experience for him. Even with the super plushness of the inner silicone, there just wasn’t enough give for him to comfortably get his penis all the way inside. He also kept accidentally turning the toy off, because he couldn’t feel where the buttons where and he would end up gripping the buttons and turning it off… or changing the vibration setting… so as I said above… that button panel needs some serious revamping. He was pretty “meh” about the vibrations as well… my Stunt Cock isn’t the biggest fan of vibrating toys, but occasionally he will find one that really does it for him… this wasn’t it though. He didn’t hate the vibrations, but he wasn’t wowed by them either. They were neither adding nor taking away from his masturbatory experience. One thing he didn’t mind though was the heating feature, he said it was nice and that he might really enjoy it on a cold day. Sadly, zero orgasms where achieved using this toy though, after a good 20 minutes of cramming himself into it he gave up and finished off using Rosie Palm and her five sisters.
At this point, I just don’t think that I can recommend the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration. My Stunt Cock doesn’t exactly hate it… but he didn’t really have a whole lot of good to say about it either. He was really pretty non-committal about a lot of it… which just doesn’t make it sound like a winning toy in my book. I am super bummed about this, I really wanted him to love this toy… because I love Satisfyer… and I want Satisfyer to make toys that penis users love just as much as I love my suction based (or I guess I should say Air Pressure Wave) toys! Despite what my Stunt Cock says, I really do think this masturbator could work for a very specific set of people. I think if your penis was exactly the right size for this toy you might have a very different experience. So if you believe you penis to have a smaller than average girth, you might be alright giving this toy a try and you might just love it. But so far, in this house, we are 0 for 2 on the Satisfyer Men products… and I can pretty much already tell you what the verdict will be on the Satisfyer Men Vibration I picked up as well (hint: it will pretty much be this review minus the heating feature… but maybe we will be pleasantly surprised…).
Still think you want to give the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration a try? You can pick one up from the very awesome people at SheVibe! Or you can pick up any number of other Satisfyer products… ones that work better than this masturbator!
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The Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.
