“Is…is that cock waving at me?” Those are the exact words I muttered upon seeing the Lovehoney Uprize for the first time. I was attending a press event during the 2018 Adult Novelty Expo… But I was super early and not all the manufactures were set up and ready to go, so I snagged a plateful of free food (I want to say I was there for the sex toys… but we all know it was for the free food… they had an awesome spread of deserts and snacks… and of course an open bar…) and found a place to chill in the corner. It just so happened that Lovehoney was set up right across from where I was sitting, so I was watching them with interest (as I shoved free mini cookies into my face) as they arranged their little info table. I made accidental eye-contact with one of the reps who smiled and then with the click of a button made the dildo they had just finished setting up raise to complete attention. They must have seen how perplexed I looked, because then they clicked their magic little button again and made the cock deflate back down to limp dick posture… and then raised it again about part way… and sent it back down again. Yes…they was waving at me with their mechanical penis.
Well, you know me… I can’t just sit idly by while a somewhat enormous purple dick waves at me in such a come hither motions. I heaved myself up out of the booth (yes, heaved… I non-stop eat at these stupid conventions… because I can’t let free food go to waste…) and went to check out what kind of madness Lovehoney had to offer. The rep seemed utterly thrilled to get to talk to me about the Uprize… and to give it repeated erections. I had to admit, as bizarre as the whole thing was… it was a neat concept. So the Uprize, in case you haven’t quit yet worked it out, is a remote controlled, auto-erecting dildo… meaning you can make the Uprize go from flaccid to hard at the touch of a button… isn’t technology great?
While watching the Uprize demonstration, my initial thoughts were along the lines of “Is this a packer? Can I use this as a packer?” I have an Archer from New York Toy Collective and I absolutely love it… but… how awesome would it be to be able to have also erections while packing?! A packer that you can get an erection with at the touch of a button really seemed like a game changer to me. The Uprize does have a very audible whir as it moves up or down though… although, this doesn’t really dissuade me from wanting to use it as a packer… because I would like people to hear the mechanical whirring of my bionic cyborg dick as I become aroused. People would be all… “Do you hear that?” and I would be all… “Oh, that? That’s the sound of my dick.” To which they would no doubt respond with something like… “What?” and I would smoothly come back with “Babe, I promise I don’t have a 3.5 inch floppy…(because all my pick-up lines are nerdy)” Having finally gotten my hands on the Uprize (thanks to a Star Wars themed contest I won), my dreams of packing have been dashed… its much bulkier and heavier than I was anticipating (they had it bolted down into a stand and I was unable to pick it up or get a real sense of how big it actually was when I saw it at the press event) and did not fit in my Joey pouch. I mean, I actually probably could have maneuvered it into the pouch and made it work… but it has a rounded base (suction cup) that the toy sits on that doesn’t feel great (it doesn’t hurt… it just… feels like there is something obnoxious in the way of the toy sitting flat) and it is much more weighty than I personally want to carry around. Also, even when set to “flaccid” it is a significantly large package… which isn’t really my thing, so it wasn’t really working for me from that perspective either. In theory… you probably could make it work as a packer… but its not what I was hoping it to be (too big, too heavy, too bulky).
The Uprize is strap-on compatible however and there is an Uprize Universal Strap-On Harness available separately. This harness works not only for the Uprize but for other harness compatible toys as well. Lovehoney sent one of these harnesses along with my Uprize, which did help ease my packing disappointment, as I was still able to wear it and have constant erections and it was quite pleasing. I was not able to convince my current Stunt Cock to let me try pegging him with it, so I can only imagine how much fun that would be. The Harness itself isn’t anything to wildly special, its pretty basic. The waist strap adjusts to up to 63 inches, while the leg straps can adjust to 35 inches. The front panel is padded, which is super nice, makes it far more comfortable to wear for extended periods of time and since I bruise like an over-ripe peach, so it was nice not ending up with a dildo base shaped bruise on on my pubic mound (which is a weird issue I have with some of the underwear style harnesses). It has a silicone O-ring with a 2 inch opening, which should be compatible with a fairly sizable range of dildos. Like I said, its a pretty standard, basic harness. I am guessing since this harness is compatible with other dildos, is should then logically follow that the Uprize could be used in other harnesses, as long as they had a 2 inch opening… if I had the energy (which I do not, I have the worlds worst cold right now) I would dig out some of my other harnesses to test this theory out… But, if you don’t own other harnesses and you have no idea what you are even looking for in a harness and you just want something that you know will work with the Uprize, this isn’t a terrible option.
There are two models of the Uprize available. There is both a 6 inch and an 8 inch model (for some reason, typing that made me instantly crave a sub sandwich… I’d like an 6 inch French Dip on white please…). The model I have (the one featured in this here review) is the 6 inch version in purple. In the 6 inch style the Uprize if also available in a pale fleshy color (from the photos… this color looks super unappealing and I am thankful they sent me the deep purple model). The 8 inch Uprize is available in black as well as the unappealing fleshy pink color. Both the 6 and 8 inch models feature the same girth, measuring in at 1.9 inches wide. The Uprize is covered in silicone and is waterproof (the remote however is not waterproof… so if you are using it in the shower… invite a friend over to run the controls outside the shower…). As far as texture goes, the shaft of the Uprize does have a series of ridges along it… I don’t think that this texturing is intentional, it seems to be a by-product of how the silicone bunches up as it changes positions. This kind of takes away from the realism of the toy (although, so does the dark purple skin tone of my particular dildo) it does enable the toy to change easily between flaccid and erect (I don’t think silicone has enough stretch to it for it to remain skin tight even while moving, there needs to be a bit extra to keep things moving without ripping I think). Intentional or not, the ridges when the toy was erect and inserted did provide a bit of a pleasant sensation… so, I’m not complaining. Also worth noting, even though I say “flaccid” to describe the non-erect state of the Uprize, the actual firmness of this toy never changes… the Uprize is always very firm, even when in flaccid mode.
Controlling the Uprize is fairly straightforward. So, the toy can be operated either via the remote control or on the base of the toy itself. But before I get too deep into how to operate it… I need to first touch on the travel lock… because this frustrated me to no end in the beginning. I didn’t realize it had a travel lock (because I don’t do instruction manuals) and I couldn’t get any of the buttons to respond the way I was expecting… instead of turning on the little lights around the buttons would just flash at me… I felt like they were mocking me. Having experienced mocking button flashes before with other toys, I figured “okay… this thing has a travel lock… now how do we unlock it.” I still didn’t consult the manual because… WHO HAS TIME FOR INSTRUCTIONS?! So I just started clicking the buttons in random configurations… first right than left button… then left than right button… left right left right in quick succession… what finally did it was holding down BOTH buttons on the base of the toy for a few seconds. After about 4 or 5 seconds of holding the buttons down the mocking lights flashed twice to show their submission to my superior intellect and the toy was now ready to use (you can re-lock the toy using the same method). Hooray for me!
Okay, so… as we have already established, there are two buttons at the base (the balls) of this big purple beast. The button that looks like a bunch of straight lines (I think they kind of look like an abstract dick going erect than flaccid) controls the erection function. Press it once and it’ll go erect, press it again to go back to flaccid mode. Easy enough. The other button controls the vibrations. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that this toy also VIBRATES?! The quality of the vibrations aren’t the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. They are neither very strong nor super rumbly… but… they are okay… pretty average… nothing so buzzy that I feel disgusted by it. Average vibrations are okay in this case I think, because the main attraction to the Uprize is the fact that it can get an erection and then return to flaccid at the push of a button. So the toys 10 vibrating functions are just a bonus… its a nice feature, but I would be just as excited about the toy without the vibrations. So, to turn on these vibrations just press the button with the wavy lines. Continuing to press the button will cycle you through three steady vibrations and the seven pattern modes. To turn off the vibration just press and hold the wavy line button for 2ish seconds.
Next, you can control the Uprize via a remote. Personally, I am a fan of the remote control method of… control. Especially if I’m using the Uprize on myself, I find using the remote far easier than trying to reach between my legs to mess with buttons on the toy itself. First off, the pair the dildo with the remote, first press the vibration button on the toy once ( The little oblong remote has three buttons and are organized in a shape that makes me think of a propeller. So, the center button (the middle of the propeller) there is a button that looks like a small circle inside of a larger circle, that button is your erection button. On top of that button is a (+) and (-) button, which control the toys vibration. Pressing the (+) will start the vibration and cycle through the patterns upwards to back down through the vibrations use the (-), if you back down far enough you will eventually turn the vibrations off. It’s pretty easy. I probably didn’t actually need to write this much about how to control it, you look like a smart person who could have figured it out on your own.
This review already feels super long and I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet! Okay, so in use… I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. First off, I was already pretty aroused by just watching the toy achieve an erection… that really satisfied a visual part of me that doesn’t seem to get enough attention when it comes to using toys… usually I just close my eyes and go for it… but it was nice to just sit back and watch this thing gain an erection between my legs before penetration. As I said before, it is a super firm toy… which made the toy feel very large when inserted… I really felt like I was being filled up by a rock hard erect penis… (I’m drooling thinking about it). Those ridges (as I also mentioned before) felt pretty good, they kind of bump,bump, bumped against my g-spot as I thrust with the toy. I also (kind of accidentally, because I forgot which button was which) experimented with the toy going flaccid while inserted… the toy just kind of whirred angrily because it didn’t have room to move… so there was nothing exciting there. Overall, I really enjoyed using this dildo… and coupled with a secondary vibrator against my clit… well, I was in orgasm heaven. Also, the suction cup on this puppy is pretty excellent, I was able to stick it firmly to my headboard and back into it… as well as sticking it firmly to the floor and riding it… both were fantastic experiences.
Just one more thing, real quick… because this review is getting super long and I need to wrap it up before ya’ll fall asleep on me… the Uprize is rechargeable To charge, simply plug the USB charger (included) into your computer or a USB wall adapter and the other end into the port at the base of the toy and off you go. The buttons will blink while it is charging and remain solid when the toy has finished its charge. It takes about 150 minutes to fully charge and should net you about 60 minutes of play time.
I’ve gotta say, I really do like the concept of “erections on demand.” It’s fun, its playful, its quirky, it’s visually appealing and its new. I really appreciate when sex toy companies try something new… sure… not every new product is a winner… but at least new things are being tried, I would hate to live in a world where sex toy creation becomes stagnant and we just see the same toy model produced again and again and again.. THE HORROR. I think overall, the Uprize in a winner. There are definitely some things I would love to see improved in later versions of this toy… such as a better quality of vibration, or maybe the possibility of stopping the toy in multiple states of erection to find “your perfect erection” or how about making it from a dual density material so the toy has a bit more squish to the outside while still maintaining that more realistic firm core. I would also love it if it could be less bulky… because as I said before… I really wanted to use it as a packer, but that suction cup really gets in the way. But, as a dildo or a pegging toy… it is pretty great. I have enjoyed each and every play session I had with the Uprize and have enjoyed wearing it around in my pants telling my Stunt Cock to bow before his new bionic overlord. The novelty of this toy has really captured my heart… what can I say.
Ready to bring home your own bionic dick? You can pick up the Lovehoney Uprize from these fine folks: Lovehoney, SheVibe, Betty’s Toy Box and Peepshow Toys (use the Code KITTEN at Peepshow to take 10% off your order).
The Lovehoney Uprize was a prize in a contest hosted by Lovehoney and won by Kitten Boheme.