Go home Emojibator, you’re drunk! What on earth was going through your head when you decided to turn a chicken into a sex toy? I mean… don’t get me wrong…I love you for it… but… DEAR GOD WHY?!
I really would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the planning meeting that produced the Emojibator Chickie. I can see everyone sitting around their meeting room table… brainstorming… “You know what’s hot?!” someone undoubtedly yelled out…”Suction based toys!” Everyone obviously cheered in agreement to this. “YES!” said the boss “What else?!” Everyone continued to ponder this… then someone chimed in with “Butts! Everyone loves a good butt!” Again, the room erupted in cheers at this suggestion… because it’s true, everyone does love butts. “Yes! Give me more! What else do people love!” Screamed the boss in sheer delight. “Chickens!” There was a moment of confused silence… “Well… yes… I suppose thats true…” Agrees the boss tentatively. “Chickens with huge asses.” “Umm… okay?” “I’m talking just a big ol’ badonkadonk.” The boss just stares at this person. “Right, any other ideas?” “YOU RIP THE CHICKEN’S HEAD OFF TO GET TO THE SUCTION.” “What? No, that’s not–” “AND CONTROL IT WITH ITS FEET!” No doubt, this is where the whole planning meeting just fell apart. It was complete anarchy at this point. And the person in charge of this meeting just threw up their hands and said “Fine, do whatever the fuck you want, I’m going home.”
Don’t get me wrong… I fuckin’ love this terrible idea of a toy… but not because it’s a good toy. In fact… it is a horrible toy that no one should ever use on their genitals ever. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t own one… because… well… IT’S A FUCKING CHICKEN! There is just something about this goofy eyed birb that really speaks to me… the way it’s eyes seem to point in two different directions… and yet follow me at all times. If I were to pick one sex toy that I think is undoubtedly haunted… it would be the Emojibator Chickie… there is no way that there is not some kind of demonic spirit living inside this ill-conceived birb. I’m pretty sure that this chicken shaped sex toy will show up in the next Conjuring movie.
Having reviewed nearly every Womanizer and Satisfyer under the sun (although as I typed that, I am sure both companies have released at least twelve new suction based products) I am no stranger to the idea of clitoral suction. In fact, I have even really enjoy the whole clitoral suction fad (with a few exceptions). So, I was actually pretty darn excited to hear that Emojibator (creators of the Eggplant and Chili Pepper vibrators… two other sex toys you probably don’t actually need… but absolutely must buy because… well… they are an eggplant and chili pepper… who doesn’t need that in there life?) was getting in on the suction based toy craze with their Emojibator Chickie.
Okay, I think I need to actually clarify something… while I habitually classify both the Womanizer and the Satisfyer as being suction based toys…it seems a bit more complicated than that. The Womanizer and Satisfyer operate via “pressure wave” or is it “air pulse” or maybe they’re calling it “pleasure wave” technology… whatever name they are going with these days… which means they pulse the air in the chamber, which gives the toy a kind of push and pull feeling… mimicking the actual feeling of someone sucking on your clit. The Emojibator Chickie however is just straight up one-way suction, making it much less refined than some of its more luxury counterparts (and also… this is a chicken with a huge butt… so… refinement went out the window a long time ago…) and just kind of feels like a great big practical joke that someone maybe took a little too far.
Operating the Emojibator Chickie took me some time to sort out (because who has time for instruction manuals… NOT THIS GAL), but I did eventually figure it out. So, if you flip the Chickie over the control buttons are located on its feet. Yes, on its feet. One foot is in charge of the on/off plus vibrations while the other foot controls the suction. If you look closely at the feet buttons you can see that one has that seemingly international sign for “power” on it… you know the little half circle thing with a line in it… press and hold that foot for a couple of seconds and the toy will turn on. continuing to click will cycle you through the Chickie’s eight different vibration modes. All the vibration modes are crap. I have nothing good to say about any of it. Press and hold that foot again when you want to turn it off. Now the other foot, who’s button is just a circle, is how you operate the toys suction function. The Chickie has eight different suction modes… and much like the vibrations… they are also all crap. There is also apparently an app you can download for this toy… I didn’t even bother trying it…you are on your own on that one… but if you do download it, please let me know how it goes.
Charging the Chickie is easy. There is a little port on the side of its body (its marked with a circle and the letters “DC”), just shove the probe looking end of the charging cable into that hole (don’t worry, you won’t hurt it…) and plug the other end into a USB port. There is a little light that flashes while it is charging and it will stop flashing when it is fully charged. It claims that it will get about 40 minutes of run time on its highest speed and about 50 minutes on its lowest speed. I will probably never know… because I can’t imagine using this toy for that long or that many times… so, I’ll just take Emojibator’s word on this.
Gosh, I really wish I had something good to say about the functionality of the Chickie… I really do… I would love to be able to tell you that this stupid looking bird is amazing in bed… but its not… oh my God it’s really not. I found that the Emojibator Chickie did one of two things for me… either I felt absolutely nothing… or it made my clit bleed… these are the only two outcomes I have managed to achieve with this toy. Positioning this toy seemed nearly impossible about 95% of the time I couldn’t figure out how to get a good seal with the Chickie’s neck hole. I tried all the tips and tricks I’ve learned when using the Satisfyer/Womanizer toys, I tried a bit of lube, I pulled the skin back, nothing… I couldn’t get the Chickie to seal. When I finally did manage to achieve a good seal the suction was UNBEARABLE… because of the one-way suction it just pulled at my clit… pulled… and pulled… and it was terrible and I couldn’t even stand to wait to see if this toy could bring me to orgasm… I ripped it off as gently as I could but the damn chicken made my clit bleed! THAT SONUVABITCH!
As a sex toy, the Emojibator gets a great big NO from me. But… if you are just a collector of the completely weird and they utterly inane… like I am… maybe you’ll enjoy having it around…even if just for the pure fun of decapitating it. Price-wise… I think its ridiculous… it is currently retailing for something like $89… when I look at the Emojibator Chickie, I do not see a toy that is worth eighty-nine bucks staring back at me… no way… I would pay $25 max for this thing. And just to give you an idea the most expensive Satisfyer toy is sitting at about $69 right now… and the Satisfyer actually works and has yet to maim me in anyway! If you are looking to try suction based toys, please… just step away from the chicken… you do not want this toy… this toy is not good… this toy will make you sad… opt for one of the toys in the Satisfyer or Womanizer lines you’ll enjoy having a sex toy that doesn’t also draw blood for what I am sure is demonic blood rituals. Should you buy this to use as a sex toy. No. Should you buy this to display in your home and rip its little head off when you are feeling frustrated with life? Sure, why not!
Also, can I just say that I would have preferred the suction to come from between its thicc butt cheeks. Like, I would have rather smashed my clit into its mighty ass cheeks while is doopy head is turned back to watch me… rather than smashing my genitals into whats left of its body after I tore its head from it.
If for SOME REASON you want to buy the Emojibator Chickie (Are you summoning spirits and need a vessel to house them in? Do you like to collect stupid things and keep them on your desk? Are you drunk and making bad decisions right now?) you can pick one up at SheVibe… but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Emojibator Chickie was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.
