Did you know that today, November 11th, is Singles Day? Yeah… I had no idea either… I honestly had no idea there was such a holiday, but there is and it’s today! Singles Day is the anti-Valentine’s Day movement that was started among college students in 1993 (oh those crazy 90’s kids) and it has steadily picked up steam since then. Any why did they pick November 11th you ask? Because it is a date comprised of all ones… 11/11. But, Singles Day is NOT a day to feel sorry for yourself… oh woe is my… I don’t have a significant other… whine whine whine… NOPE. Today is a day to TREAT YO’ SELF! You don’t need to wait until Valentine’s Day to come around and home that you have someone in your life to shower you with gifts… fuck that… you can do that for yourself… because you are an awesome person who loves who you are. So again I say… TREAT YO’ SELF!
And honestly… what better way is there to treat yourself than with a fancy-schmancy lube warmer? Yeah, that’s right… I said lube warmer! I’m telling you, you haven’t even begun to live until you have had freshly warmed lube dispensed automatically (auto-MAGICALLY) into the palm of your awaiting hand. The Touch Automated Lube and Massage Oil Warmer by Warm is pretty much the ultimate way to spoil yourself this Singles Day (and every day after that)… and even if you aren’t reading this day on 11/11… don’t sweat it… you still deserve to treat yourself… you’ve got my permission to go ahead and buy yourself something nice (like you need my permission…)!
The Touch Automated Lube and Massage Oil Warmer by Warm is an automated dispensing system that warms up your personal lubricants and massage oils (just as the name implies) and is compatible with all liquid lubes and oils. The key word here is definitely liquid… do not try to fill the Touch with creams or thicker lube products (e.g. The Butters Lube or Sliquid Organics Natural Gel)… stick with the liquid lubes and you’ll be fine. The chunkier lubes aren’t going to work right, they will just gunk up inside the machine and cause the machine to not work as intended. Luckily, the Touch is capable of being cleaned out (consult the included instruction manual for how to do that, its pretty easy, but it has a few steps), so if you do make a mistake and a lube is thicker than you thought it would be, you will be able to clean everything out and try again with a new lube. The Touch holds 4 ounces of lube at a time (which is about the double the size of most lube bottles I purchase… I’m a 2 ounce gal because I’m not 4 or 8 ounce bottle rich…I’m also not fill the gas tank up all the way rich either…) and has three (yes three) different dispense settings so you can control your ideal amount of lube… whether just a little dab’ll do ya… or you want ALL THE LUBE.
Another perk about the Touch (as if you needed more reasons beyond warm lube) is that its a far more fun and attractive storage solution for those bottles of lube. Because lets face it… not all lubes come in fancy, beautiful, display-worthy bottles (like Überlube or Sliquid Silver)… and some of my lubes have terribly descriptive names (like Back Door Anal Glide)… and sometimes its just nice to not look like you keep enormous bottles of lube right next to your bed (although, honestly, I have various lubes scattered all over my house, because I use lubes like The Butters more for lotion than for actual sex purposes). Sometimes I want to pretend I am a classy mother-fuckin’ bitch, okay?! And this is what makes the Touch so nice… I can pour my lube into the dispenser and toss the bottle… and TA-DA I now have some fancy ass looking lube storage. Bonus: It looks totally modern and space age. Like, I’m pretty sure this is how lube would be dispensed on the Enterprise… “Computer, Sliquid, Hot.” Also… I’m not convinced that this is not some kind of miniature Stargate and I am waiting for a tiny Richard Dean Anderson to come leaping out at any moment… the Warm dispenses a dollop of silicone lube and transports the SG-1 team in one easy to use device! Also, adding to the futuristic feel of the Touch are its super awesome purple lights… which are both functional and super cool. There is an inner ring of lights that work to guide your hand in while using the Touch in the dark… that way you aren’t fumbling around looking for the dispenser… there is also a little light to let you know “hey, I’m turned on” and three indicator lights to let you know which lube dispensing setting your have chosen. There is also a purple light up Warm logo that serves absolutely no function at all… but it looks neat.
Even though the Touch looks all space age, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to get it up and running once you’ve unboxed it. After removing the Touch from its packaging, plug it in. Next remove the reservoir cap and set it someplace safe… somewhere that you wont lose it while we fill the Touch up… look, I can feel you rolling your eyes at me… but believe me, I have been known to lose things instantaneously… especially when putting things like IKEA furniture together… “I swear I just that screw… where did it go?” Now is the time to fill up the Touch lube tank with your most favorite (or just most handy) lube or massage oil. Okay, once you’ve got the Touch brimming with lubricated goodness press and hold the dispense button (it’s the button above the power button) for 5 seconds (this will dispense a steady stream of lube/oil), after you’ve finished panicking that you broke the machine because lube started streaming out just press the power button and replace that cap that you hopefully didn’t lose while freaking out. And thus will end the pre-use setup and you are now primed and ready to use the Touch as you see fit. Don’t worry, you don’t have to go through this every time you use the Touch, once you’ve done the pre-use setup all you need to do is turn the Touch on, wait for about two minutes for the lube to warm up and there you go… you’re set up. Then just reach through the Stargate (the circular opening) and watch the lube magically dispense into your hand! Should you finish using the Touch and forget to power it back down, no worries… the Touch has a one-hour safety auto-off feature… so you probably won’t burn the house down in an embarrassing lube fire (probably…).
It is also worth mentioning that we are quickly approaching the holiday season here… a time when many of us will be scrambling for gifts (like me… I’m a last minute scrambler)… and in some cases you may be thinking a sexy NSFW gift is the way to go (I know I sure appreciate a good dildo in my stocking…). But, if you are thinking you want to get your sexy someone a sexy gift may I point you in the direction of the Touch… because its still super sexy and will help put everyone in the mood for some holiday lovin’ but it also isn’t something that requires you to know exactly what kind of sex toy a partner might enjoy. If you don’t know 100% everything about what your partner enjoys (or they haven’t expressed an interest in any particular toy), you may buy a vibrator when a butt plug is what they actually want and enjoy… but with a lube warmer and dispenser… you don’t have to find the perfect toy and can avoid any awkward… “oh… thanks… I guess this nice…” moments with that double ended dong you thought would be perfect! A lube warmer is appropriate for everyone (except maybe… newly animated snowmen or other ice dependent creature who my melt when doused in warm lube)!
I highly recommend that you get yourself (or a friend) a Touch Automated Lube and Massage Oil Warmer by Warm. Okay sure, you don’t need a lube warming dispenser… you can keep living your life with room temperature… or worse… cold lube…and there is nothing I can do about it, but why would you now that you know the Touch exists?! Come one, today is a great day to treat yourself… and what better way is there to do that then by buying yourself something that is totally impractically practical! Just think how awesome you’ll look when you bring that special (or just available) someone home and you can offer them WARM lube… you’ll forever be known as that fucking heroic magician who made warm lube appear. Imagine how much more comfortable those cold winter night masturbation sessions will be if you can hold your hand out for a squirt of cozy warm lube… I mean seriously… doesn’t that sound nice? Warm lube is like a hug for your genitals. The choice is yours… you can continue living life with lube that remains room temp at best… or you can join me here in the year 3018 with my automatically dispensing warmed up lube. The Touch is super user-friendly and not at all complicated… even though it feels pretty high tech (although I still thing flip phones are pretty high tech… so I may or may not be the best judge of technology). Also, I am sure after reading this review you are all asking the same question, so let me go ahead and address that right now… “Can this be used as a makeshift bedroom nacho cheese dispenser?” No. I’m sorry, it cannot. I was disappointed as well.
Ready to TREAT YO’ SELF?! You can pick up the Touch Automated Lube and Massage Oil Warmer by Warm at several of my favorite online retailers: Peepshow Toys (use code KITTEN for 10% off), SheVibe, Betty’s Toy Box, and Luvoqa.
The Touch Automated Lube and Massage Oil Warmer by Warm was a prize in a contest hosted by the Sex Talk With My Mom Podcast and won by Kitten Boheme.