Have you ever felt so underwhelmed by a toy that you just sit there, staring at it, questioning its existence? Questioning your own existence? That is how I am currently feeling about the Bodywand Mini Massager. I am in the throes of an existential crisis brought on by a vibrator no bigger than my finger.
Why are you here? Why don’t you work they way I want you to? What is your purpose?
I bought the Mini Massager on a whim while visiting Intimate Treasures in fabulous Downtown Minneapolis. I grabbed it because it was small, affordable, and I am a sucker for things that glitter. An impulse buy that I half regret. The other half of me is screaming YOLO as I purchase every sex toy that crosses my path… because I’m an addict and I need help.
Design wise, I love it. I really do. Measuring in at a very petite 4 inches, the Bodywand Mini Massager is compact enough to fit in a purse, an overnight bag, or if you are like me – a desk drawer. I really love the idea of tiny and discreet toys! Toys that are both adorable and functional are my dream toy… the Bodywand Mini is at least one of those things… (I’ll give you a hint which one… it’s not functional).
The base of the handle is covered in two rows of tiny faux diamonds, shiiiiiiiiiny. I was briefly a little concerned about the quality of the Bodywand, I worried the gems would fall out as soon as I got the wand home. So of course, what did I do? I dug my fingernails and tried to pick those little suckers out… but they held fast. So no worries there! And just in case the little gems weren’t enough for you, the handle of this particular wand is covered in tiny white hearts. Some may call it tacky, but I personally find it bizarrely amazing. The display at Intimate Treasure had Mini Massagers in just about any color you could ask for – red, white, polka-dots, neon green, red lips… plenty to choose from.
So, I Initially thought I was totally going to love this thing (because you know, tiny and adorable…). When I gave the tester a try, I cranked it up to full speed and thought “wow, this little thing packs a punch!” I even did that stupid thing where you hold it against your nose and pretend like you know what your doing all while ignoring the fact that you are just a weirdo with a vibrator smashed against your face in public. I was momentarily impressed and hoped I had found a mini wand with big wand power. But now, as I hold the Bodywand Mini in my hand, while it still feels like there is some power in it, as soon as I put it against my clit… hello? Anyone there? Crank it up to full speed and… I feel mostly just annoyed, like I have a horsefly trapped in my pants. Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy. It’s the kind of terrible vibrations that lead to a numb vulva if left in place for too long.
The soft, rounded head of the Bodywand is mounted on a flexible neck. The neck of the Bodywand Mini Massager is super flexible. Which is both awesome and terrible all at the same time. On the one hand, it is really easy to maneuver it into position, but on the other hand, it makes it hard for those of us who like to put strong pressure down on our clits… as soon as I push down, the neck flexes away from where I put it.
Bodywand Mini Massager head is made from TPE. Not my favorite material for a sex toy. TPE (or if you are feeling all Bill Nye the Science guy – thermoplastic elastomers) while usually nontoxic, are porous enough to harbor mold and bacteria (uh, gross). Also, this type of material can break down over time, so always examine your toy before use and discard it if you notice any rips, black spots, or bad smells emitting from the toy. Luckily, the Bodywand Mini Massager is pretty budget friendly, so if for some reason you simply can not live without this thing, you can always purchase another one after discarding the offending wand.
The Bodywand Mini Massager is battery powered, 
it runs on six LR44 watch batteries, all of which are included with the wand when purchased. I kind of hate this, because who has watch batteries just laying around? I have a drawer full of AA and AAA, but if my Mini Massager was to run out of juice… I’d have to actually put pants on and trudge to Target. THE HORROR. Oh, and it is probably worth mentioning… when you first open up your Bodywand, be sure to unscrew the base of the handle and remove the bit of plastic that covers the batteries. Don’t be like me and instantly rage that your wand is broken. I’M AN EMOTIONAL PERSON OKAY?!?
If you have dreams of using your sparkly new Mini Massager in the bathtub… prepare to be disappointed. The Bodywand Mini Massager is not waterproof, don’t go submerging it in the tub, sorry to burst your bubble. However, good news, it is completely splash-proof. So you can go ahead and give it a splash with some water to clean it! But remember, because it is made from that TPE material, you will never be able to fully sanitize the Bodywand Mini, no matter how hard you try. Which makes this a one owner sort of toy, no sharing.
The wand is pretty easy to operate, I can even do it one handed! To turn on the Mini Massager just twist the bottom, which also acts as a dial that also controls the speed, of which there appears to be five settings. I am impressed at how intense the top speed is for a battery powered toy, I just wish that it wasn’t so blasé once I got it onto my clit. JUST WORK HOW I WANT YOU TO WORK DAMMIT!
However, it isn’t all bad news for the Bodywand Mini Massager, I have enjoyed this buzzy little toy on my nipples and it isn’t the worst toy for warming things up (not the best either.). So maybe if sensation play and teasing is your thing, you could get some enjoyment out of this toy. I think the most useful thing I have used the Bodywand Mini for is easing a charlie horse cramp in my calf, which it actually worked wonders for! Honestly, I think I’m just going to keep the Mini around for muscle soothing. Forget sex toy.
My recommendation? Boy… I don’t know. It has that TPE head, and I hate to recommend it knowing you can find a wand made from a better material. But at the same time, finding something this size and at this price might be tough. It’s a cute little wand, maybe a fun gift for someone who has expressed an interest in vibrators, but doesn’t know where to start? Although, I wouldn’t wish these sad vibrations on my worst enemy. The Vibrations are intense, I’ll give it that, but they are surface level and very buzzy. I’ve seen some reviewers recommending the Bodywand Mini as a beginners toy, and maybe I would agree with that, if you were a beginner on a budget who didn’t know what you liked yet… but odds are, you probably won’t like this. Honestly, I think all the Bodywand Mini Massager has going for it is its looks… again, tiny and adorable (have I said that already?). It doesn’t look threatening, like a huge wand. In fact I don’t think it looks super obviously like a sex toy, so if discretion is your thing and you accidentally leave it out for someone to find, I’m sure you could totally convince them it was just the latest new makeup brush from Sephora or something. It is super portable, easy to toss into a purse or overnight bag, travel friendly (remove the batteries to avoid having it turn on in transit), so I can see the appeal there. The flexible neck is a nice feature and works pretty well during penis in vagina sex, doesn’t get in the way like a bigger wand would. Is the Bodywand Mini a bad toy? Not necessarily… but it certainly isn’t my toy of choice.
Thinking you want to picking up a Bodywand Mini Massager for yourself? It is available in a multitude of colors and is stocked at some of my favorite shops: Lovehoney, JouJou (For the Australians), and Shevibe!
